Darkness 2.0

TW: Contains Depression, Anxiety, and Overthinking. (Vent)

(Based on true feelings as told by victim of these things)

“It’s like drowning,”

But no, drownings too simple, too easy to say

Too.. Immediate 

“Then it’s like being numb?”

But that’s just the thing, not always

There’s moments when you’re in your head and watch things from the inside

When in the back of your mind, it screams somethings wrong

Off, not right, missing.,

So you get overwhelmed and nervous

You tend to zone out no matter where you go,

Time slows down and everything blurs 

It’s too loud, it’s too bright, there’s too much happening!

You feel you've been left out from everything happening because you can't comprehend it

“Is it anxiety?”

No, yet there is a constant worry but the worry is small

Perpetual, 

Always happening, but small, small worry of being cut off from what you have left

You watch yourself in third person picking at every mistake, and worry to make it again

You watch and analyze and think and plan, everything down to the minute or second

You overthink, way too much, you know it’s a problem but can’t come to find help

“Freak.”

What a word, I’ve heard it too many times, and yet it’s fitting

I think and I think and I think, 

Everything, Everything must be thought of

Thoughts must be smooth and remembered or you’re unorganized

If you miss something or are left out in the crowd you're unpopular

If you feel you're cut off your just 'overreacting'

because 'it's not that bad' and 'you're lucky you don't deal with this'

Just because I’m not part of something you’re doing doesn’t mean I don’t have problems

So Yet again I may be drowning but refuse to say it.

I refuse to say it because others have it worse

I refuse to say it because it’s unimportant to other people

I refuse to say it because my thoughts keep me from speaking

And my speaking keeps me from thinking as I should

It's an awful feeling to have this problem

Sometimes I think I should actually drown, then maybe it'll all go away!

“What if it is like drowning, but in thoughts.?”

Yet when you think you drown in your own thoughts and when you drown you think to save yourself

So tell me, is it swimming to drown, or drowning to swim? 

Is it thinking so that you can forget yourself again and again? 

Or is it forgetting yourself to finally think? 

“Why are you so weird? Just give it up already and stop talking!” 

The second I stop talking, 

The second I stop telling 

Is the second I start thinking

It’s the second I start to crumble 

The second the pressure finally gets to me

When these walls finally start to break

If I let someone in they soften like jello

You can break them like that

But with the right people,

They are fortified

I am fortified, 

And yet I cannot open up to just anyone

I speak my words and I make my jokes 

But I joke about my words until I nearly choke 

When pressure sinks in, so does the land 

The land starts to morph and erode 

So that it may grow and become stronger

But when this grows and when this erodes only the strongest in left standing

The strongest left standing though, still need the weakest 

Without the weak they would not be considered strong

Without the strong many would not be considered weak

So why the standards? Why the expectations what if we were equal? 

Instead of being cut out then we’d be unified

But since I am cut out I will never be unified

All of you may be strong together but there is always the weak link-

“Stop it, just go play hangman with the rest of the class”

Such a funny thing, has anyone here ever thought of what hangman may mean?

What happens underneath that simple game that everyone loves?

Where a small letter can kill a man?

“What are you saying?”

Hangman teaches us that saying the wrong thing can end somebody’s life.

The more you play the more it happens, 

The more you act blind to somebody’s hurting the sooner it happens

In hangman you take clues from already found letters of the puzzle

In real life you take clues from already broken pieces 

Where you see for that one second that they are not ok, 

Why would they be ok? 

Nothing is ever ok!

No matter how hard you try to convince yourself it is, it’s not, and it’ll never be

So I try to convince myself even so that I am fine, even when I'm not

I tell myself and you

That I have seen nothing, yet I have seen everything

That you will get no information out of me, but I want to say anything

That I cut myself out from the world, but the world has cut me off

That the world cuts me off, it burns hot and acutely, 

Harsh and like fire 

That I will never fit in

That I don't belong no matter how much I try,

That the darkness finally grabs me and pulls me in,

And even still.,

That I am Fine.

But I'm tired of pretending I am,

Yet I still do because,

I have faced trauma after trauma,

I have been stung by death over 10 times,

I have looked in the mirror and wanted to shatter it,

I have memories that make me cry day after day,

So now I will stand up and finally admit that,

I am broken and I refuse to hide it anymore., 

Yet I still will smile brightly and say.,

"Hello, I'm Lunar, Welcome to my life." 

Though sometimes I feel I could smile at you and assure you that I am fine, sometimes even the most ‘perfect’ person in the world has problems, look on the inside and watch for signs, be careful and help them when they need it. Some people will not ask for help so when you get the chance do everything you can to.