I Had Nearly Forgotten His Name

I hadn't thought about him in about a year when the letter arrived. It was a rare occasion that I received a hand-written letter, so it caught my eye immediately when I pulled it from the box. The name seemed familiar, but I had to take a pause before it occurred to me it was him. Once I realized who he was, my heart began to race.

After we ended 10 years ago, I cut him off completely. If I hadn't, the cycle would just keep going. We weren't ever friends... it was always something just a little north or south of that. We'd break up, something would go sideways in his life, and he'd come back because I was the only stability he’d ever known. I'd let him stay, and he'd call me his for a bit. But he'd only do that in private-he'd tell everyone else we weren't together, he didn't love me, and it was just convenience. Soon after that, he'd break it off with me, crushing me in the process. I knew the only way to stop it from happening again was to cut him out of my life completely.

He didn't really try too hard to stay in touch, honestly. He stopped by a few times, called once or twice; but once he realized I wasn't going to answer, he stopped. I would hear about him occasionally through mutual friends, but that was about it. It took me a long time to recover from him, but I did.

So why was I looking at a hand-written envelope addressed to me? Had something happened? I felt myself begin to tremble a little as I opened it; all those walls coming down unconsciously as I did. As soon as saw my name in his handwriting, my eyes began to tear up.

Hi Melissa,

Bet you didn't expect a letter from me. I guess I never expected to write one either, but there's a lot of things I never thought I'd do before I lost you.

I think about you a lot, wonder how you are, if you're happy, or just how things turned out for you. I don't even know if this will get to you; I hope so though.

I'm just going to go ahead and say it-I made a mistake. Not a little one either. You asked me...more than a few times...if I was sure this was what I wanted, because I'd never see you again. I guess I didn't believe you. You were always there; I figured after a while you'd call or something...but you didn't.

I didn't think it would be a big deal, but... damn, Melissa, when it hit me, it hit me hard. You were really gone. You did exactly what you said you were going to do; you disappeared.

I heard about you a little here and there, but not a lot. Heard you finished school and went into psychology; just like you said you would. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, you always did what you said you were going to do.

I'm ok, I guess. I'm still sober and I'm going to retire soon. I bet you won't be surprised to hear that I never got married or settled down, but it's not for the reasons you probably thought. I don't even think I realized until 2 or 3 years ago what those reasons were.

I'm sure this is all a little too late; I'm pretty sure it won't make a difference either, but believe it or not, changing your mind isn't my intention. I just thought that after all that happened, you should know. I mean, you probably think I never thought about us or you again, but that's not the case. I don't want you to think it was that easy for me. After everything, you deserve to know how it destroyed me, because it has.

I spent a lot of time refusing to dwell on it, but eventually I ran out of things to distract myself. Eventually, there was nothing but me and my head. When it hit, it hit hard. You are never coming back. I'd never hear your voice, touch your skin, look into your eyes... you were gone forever-and it was all my fault. I realized how lonely I made you feel all the time. When I was busy running away from you, you stayed. When I came back, you were always right there, waiting with a smile.

I'm not running from anything anymore, Melissa. But just like you said, when I turned around, you weren't there, and I broke. There has never been anyone-before or after you- that has made me feel whole. Those four years I was with you; that was it. I was so busy being my biggest fan that it never occurred to me that the only reason I was that guy I was obsessed with was because of you. You saw something great in me that I didn't; something that I'm ashamed to say I never was able to show you. I realize just how deeply I hurt you and it kills me. You showed me I mattered; that I was good enough. In exchange for that, I showed you didn't and made you think you weren't. I destroyed the only person on this Earth that had my back and believed in me. Like you said, that made me a monster. I didn't even tell you I had checked out when I did, I just dropped on you like a bomb.

I know now what that feels like. I woke up one morning and you didn't love me anymore. It may have been years later, but from where I was standing, it came out of nowhere and it knocked me to my knees, and I haven't been able to tell up from down since.

I guess what I'm trying to say, Melissa... I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't understand. You were right. I run, it's what I do. I ended up running so far from myself that I lost you. You made me who I am, Melissa. I would have never become the man I am today if I hadn't loved you. The fact that I viewed you as a launch point and not a destination back then is something I'll regret as long as I live. You deserve the world, baby, and I hope to God you got it.

I don't know what else to say... Whether or not I'm sorry makes no difference, really. I just really wanted you to know that I was careless and dismissive of you; I see that now. I sat back and did nothing as the greatest love of my life walked away because I was weak and scared. I'll never forgive myself for that.

Melissa, I hope you are happy. I hope you have found joy and contentment. I hope you have built a beautiful life and found the love you deserve. I'm sorry I was too afraid to be what you needed.

Thank you for loving me when I didn't love myself. I will love you for the rest of my life,

Cory

Tears were falling from my eyes uncontrollably by the time I finished reading. The hurt returned as if he had just left me again. What was he hoping to accomplish by sending this? It certainly did not make me feel better. All the anguish, the brokenness, the confusion- all of it - came straight back to the surface. This was for my sake?

I crumbled up the letter and threw it as far as I could. No. This was for his sake, like it always had been. Sending this and taking responsibility out his guilt at ease. In doing so, he tore me open once more. No, I hadn't moved on. I didn't create a 'life of beauty'. I got bitter and resentful; unable to forgive. He, somehow, has managed to cut my deep a decade later without even having to see my face.

Maybe it's time to move.