Dear diary,

DATE: Friday, June 4 

Time: 9:15 AM

Dear diary,

Hey, this is my first time writing in you, never thought I'd use you though. I wanted to talk to someone about Maya, mom and dad are on a business trip so am left with you.

I remember that first day of school clearly. We were all in class talking about our vacation when the knock came. Everybody turn to look at who it was, I among them, and there she was, standing by the door looking all tall, with a brown skin and big brown eyes scanning us, you could tell she was nervous because she kept on rubbing her palm against her dyed blue jeans. When our eyes met, the first thought that came to my mind was ‘she has to be the one, my best friend’ it was a crazy thought I know but that was how I felt. She picked a sit, the one next me and sat

“hi” she said. I checked to make sure she was talking to me

“hi back” I replied. She smiled and I offered her one too.

The teacher called everybody to her attention and ask the new student to introduce herself.

She stood up “hey everyone, my name is Maya”

It’s been five years since that happened and up until now we have been friends. We actually became best friends through a piece of paper. We were passing notes back and forth when she wrote

“you have been a good friend to me and I really like you. I think we have a connection. Best friends?”

Feeling excited once I read it. I replied

“best friends” I confirmed. That was it, done.

We don’t have a lot in common, we are as different as chalk and cheese but somehow we just clicked and got along. Am not going to say our relationship is perfect, we do make up to break up just to kiss and make up again, nothing serious cause at the end its still us, “we”. One thing among many of our differences, is our love for music. I feel like music totally understands me like no one does and easier to express my feelings, which she agrees on, we like using quotes from song lyrics and our favorite artist is NF. His songs come from a real place.

 Maya has a problem, starting with a hard childhood, being her dad dead and her mom turning into a drug addict. Most of her depression comes from there and I see it is hard for her to open up. Every time she does I try my best to understand where she is coming from, I really do. I try my best to be patient with her. But it seems like whatever is eating her up is doing a good job at it. One afternoon I decided to go visit her plus she seems to be avoiding me for three days already I tried calling her and texting but she never replies. The house was empty so I made my way upstairs to her bedroom.

“ Maya” I called out

“I’m in taking a shower give me like ten minutes” she yelled from the bathroom.

I went to her room and sat down on the chair next to the desk. Her room is a mess as usual and it lacked color. Her walls are painted gray I tried to convince her to change it into a more appealing color but she denies it. I don’t really go through people’s stuff but as I looked at her desk I saw a paper work hat got my attention. I picked it up, just as I was about to read it, she comes out of the bathroom, I quickly put it in my pocket.

“hey”

I don’t know what made me mad, the fact she is sitting crossed leg on the bed saying hi like she didn’t ignore for three full days or the fact that she is keeping things away from me.

“ why haven’t you been picking my calls or messages it's been three full days I’ve been trying to get to you, you missed classes and every time I go to your house you aren’t home. What's happening to you to us. Tell me maybe I can help you with it, do you think you are the only one hurting, don’t you know you also hurt me by doing this and am tired of seeing you like this, look at me tell me what's wrong I know you can fight we can do it together”

“you just don’t get it I do want to talk to you but something just holding me back”

“tell me what is it” I kneel down and hold her hands

“am sorry I can't do this just please leave me. I want to be alone, I will talk to you when its time. please give me time” wiping my tears from my face I stood up and left. 

Lying on my bed after crying my eyes out I finally take out the paper and read it.

 Loneliness is a terrible type of emotion that you can ever feel it wraps itself around you and nestles deep down within you and once it settles down there is no other way around it. Sometimes I do wonder wonder how I can feel such emotion when am surrounded by so many people all talking and laughing. Why do i feel this way, why do I feel so lonely and out of place. This is where fears come’s in Bam love at first sight. Fear and loneliness mate and give birth to doubt, now I got a family living inside of me and they are all doing their jobs. What if they don’t like me, what if they think am not good enough, not cool enough, not pretty enough what if they think am a freak who lets her own fears rule her, her doubt ruin her self esteem, her loneliness trapping her in a tangled cobwebs of spiders, something that at first felt so beautiful but then grew vines and wraps itself around you like chains, but the bitter truth right here is that they wouldn’t be lying in saying all this things. What is wrong with you? Why are you so calm and quite? Why do you have such depressing quotes? Why do you write such dark thoughts? So many why questions but what matters the most is that they found out and am so tired of saying "am fine nothings wrong with me " over and over again, am tired of lying and please understand me its not that easy for me to come clean and say those words that ruined me but I will try and fight it even if it means starting all over again but they are few that are not meant to leave no matter how many times I shatter the mirror, break the plates, cry till it makes me sick, shout till am blue in the face. It never leaves.

Reading this brings fresh new tears to my eyes I knew what she was going through was bad but not up to this extent. Turning the page I saw another one.

Feelings another word that is strange to me. Emptiness, numbness, hollow those are exactly what I will call my feelings that is if it is that at all. I feel like tank large but empty, strong yet rusted, weak but still standing. Sometimes I just can’t take it any more can’t survive it and still it never lets me go. When I first realize I don’t feel no feelings I was so happy finally I get to escape this world of sorrow, sadness, anger, confusion, betrayal but boy was I wrong. Its bad becoming worse and worst, I just can’t help it can’t fight it can’t turn away from it tried help I just simply can’t, no it wouldn’t simply let me be. I now live in a dark yet strange world, strange yet ignorant world, ignorant yet somehow so very beautiful world. I feel like am drowning, like am being buried alive deep within the sand of the desert, alive but still burning in fire that I built yeah am alive but it feels like am dead. 

I hug the paper to my chest and cried myself to sleep.

Everyday seemed like hell for me without talking to Maya, at first it was stiff polite greetings to asking how the days was, when she replied it was a either ‘good’ or ‘fine thanks for asking’ gently tat faded away to nothing, its been a month and it seems like what I read is catching up to me like I finally understood her. I felt more close to her than ever after reading it. I wanted to approach her but I had to respect her wishes to be left alone. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore and wrote a quote from a song.

“say something am giving up on you. And I will swallow my pride, you are the one I love and am saying goodbye. Please let me in don’t leave me out” I left it on her doorsteps.

DATE: Friday September 12 2020

Its been sometime and so much has happened. I was just going through my old stuff and found you, and read what’s in it and decided am going to finish what I started.

If my memory is still right I remember right after I left the note on her doorstep, a knock came and I went on to check who it was and there she was standing in tears holding on to the note, we stare at each other before lunges toward me and wrapped me in a big hug. “Am sorry, I will never do that to you again I thought I could deal with it on myself, but I couldn’t” I pulled her in and hold her tight telling everything was going to be alright while she kept on crying and telling me she is sorry. After that I did look for some help for her, a therapist. And with the help of my parents we found her a mental institution, where they could help she has been diagnosed with.

Ever since then we grew stronger and she is like a sister to me.

As I finished writing something came to my mind 

“Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I'm glad for that”

I can’t help but think how true that is