Self-Infliction

I was drowning in a river of pain. 

Guilt and betrayal was the boulder strapped to my ankle.

 I prayed…….

To be numbed, as I traverse through the bitterness of life.

But there was no numbing.

I had to endure the unadulterated agony of my transgressions.

I was silenced.

There was no room for comforting, self-soothing words or self-pity

Daggers were thrown at me left and right, and they all bore the labels of my offences.

There was simply no rest, for the wicked.

I can get three hours of sleep, if I fall asleep right this minute. But who was I trying to fool? My brain would not allow me to rest. I just laid on my bed staring at the ceiling, hoping that morning would come. My heartbeat matched the ticking of the clock on the wall and they both were drumming loudly in my head like warning signs.

I was drawn outside by an unknown force. In the stillness of the night, I stood motionless, inhaling the sharp crisp cool breeze. I looked up at the dark velvety sky but it was distant from me, obscure and enigmatic, the night also rejected my presence. There was no friendliness in its behavior. It just stood still glaring at me, trying to make no acquaintance, as if I was some foreign entity preventing its natural progression. The stars reflected the dormancy growing inside me. There was no life, no sparkle to them, they just stayed in their place waiting for their light to go off. My light was cut a few weeks ago and like a fiend, I walking aimlessly in the darkness. It was like my body was decaying while I was still alive.

I had a need to be atoned.

This need was draining me lifeless.  Emptiness evaded my very being. There was nothing genuine about my presence. I was there, alive and breathing but there was no substance, I was a husk, shallow and worthless. As I sat alone on the swing, a gentle breeze brought with it a small voice saying walk with me. This was the first time in weeks that anything spoke to me. I eagerly got up and followed the trail that the breeze left behind.

Bare footed, I walked through the thorny track. Blades of grass extended towards me, their razor sharp edges grabbed at my skin. But my mind paid no attention to the burning sensation underneath my feet or on my skin. It was like my head were bridled on the direction that the breeze led and I was disconnected to anything else happening in and around me. My flimsy nightgown clung to my body as the breeze intensified and the moon finally turned on and illuminated the track, as if nature had scheduled an appointment with me.

The breeze led me to the spot. The spot which was responsible for the emptiness inside of me. I finally felt something, the loose disturbed earth beneath my feet. I stood there looking into the abyss, my body calling to be filled again with new life. My body still bore evidence of the lost life and deep inside my belly there was a call for meaning again, but no about of praying could bring it back.

“Bring him back!”

“Bring him back!”

“Bring him back!”

I slumped to my knees, my entire body trembling under the weight of my affliction. I could not make sense of it all. The obscurity was unbearable, I needed answers. Someone needed to help me make sense of this. As I knelt cradling my stomach and trying to come to terms with my grief, my ear became inclined to the sound of the running river. There was a security within it, like it provided the safety that I craved. I slowly got up and proceeded to the bank of the river. The moon light reflected off its purity and I stood there on the bank dirty, vilified and condemned. There was a sudden urge for catharsis, a baptism, a cleansing to rid me of the crimson stained that trailed my path. The spirits that haunted and kept me up at nights would be unable to withstand the purifying chill of the river and somewhere buried deep in the bowels of the still water, I was convinced that I would find my peace.  

As my toes touched the glacial water, feelings suddenly reintroduced itself to my numb body. Every hair on my body stood firm as the chill crept through my leg and travelled through and through. I felt an unusual sense of joy, as I entered into the deep of the river. Even with the icy harsh night breeze biting through my dress and the bitter coldness of the water surrounding my lower half of my body, there was a sudden liberation I felt, that could not be expressed. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. It felt like there was a knot inside me, where all the pain, frustration and confusion were tangled together and with the surprise of the acrimonious, hostile cold water, they were in a hurry to make their retreat. All my inhibition was carried away in the water and as the water embraced my shoulders my body was finally detached from the cruelty of life.

Deep within the dark abyss of the water, I heard a voice screaming out to me.

“Mom!”

“Mom!”

“Save me!”

“Israel where are you?” Tears burning my eyes and blurring my vision. I frantically waded back and forth in the midst of the river, as I could not place where the voice was coming from.

“Mom, save me!”

I looked up at the sky for some sought of direction but a curtain of dark ominous cloud veiled the moon light from me. A strong portentous wind rustled among the tree leaves creating a frenzy of panic and causing the voice to travel along with it.

“Mom, please save me!”

Again, I was placed in a position of helplessness. Where there was nothing I could do to save him. Powerless, I stood in the midst of the deep river, crying out to a higher power to help me. My bosom was heavy with pain and guilt and I kept feeling the pull of my breast wanting release. My ancestors were sending me the answer I needed. The pull on the breast was my son calling for me to put my breast to the water. This was a common practice of the women in the village who lost their children to drowning. It was believed that placing their breast to the water would compel the child to come to it.

I reached into my nightgown and exposed my breast to the deep. I felt a pull on my almost frozen nipples but the current kept pulling deeper into the river.

“Mom, please come save me!”

“I’m coming son, I’m coming.”

There was a sudden orchestra of night music, like the haunting drums of my ancestors, encouraging me to go in deeper. There was no stopping me, I had found my compass and every step I took further into the deep river, was a step closer to reuniting with my son. Before I knew it, I was completely submerged in the water and when I opened my eyes I was startled by a small figure floating in front of me. My eyes fought to adjust to the darkness but it could not, no form of light could penetrate this thick darkness beneath. I stretched out my hands to it and it gently settle its body into my bosom.

My baby….

As I attempted to resurface with my baby safe in my arms, something strange coiled its tentacles around my ankle. I struggled to be released, making sure not to let go of my child. The more I tried to pull away, the tighter its grip became. I was losing oxygen and I began to feel my lungs exploding. The only solution was to let go of my child and use my hands to free myself. But to me that was not an option. I was not going to lose him again. I could not lose him again.

I screamed out in desperation. Hoping that someone, somewhere would hear me and come to my rescue.

“Help me!”

“Help me!”

“Jazz! Jazz! Jazz!” wake up. 

I was bathe in sweat. My husband staring at me in horror, as tears streamed down my face. Without me saying a word he knew what my tears meant. He looked at me with agony on his face and started mumbling under his breath.

He then held my shoulders and looked me straight in my eyes, his own eyes brimming with tears.

“Jazz, you have to forgive yourself, punishing yourself changes nothing. I need you back honey, we can’t keep going on like this. He is not coming back.”

“Lord please take this bitter cup from me!” I pleaded, breaking down into a symphony of wailing.