So the world crashes

(Trigger warning!!!suicide, self harm, mentions of abuse/alcoholism)

The wind brushed harshly against my cheeks. Frigid as I stared at the play equipment in the park. They always said he was too cold, too distant, too full of hate, to be able to love anyone. They didn’t know him as I did, the way his eyes lit up when his favorite song came on, the way he smiled when I told him I made the football team. They couldn’t know, it wasn’t that he was incapable of love, he was too scared to try. It always hit him in the gut hard, like someone took a concrete block and threw it at him, knocking him down every time until he wasn’t able to get up until he was too broken to try again. And it became too much…

It had been me and him for as long as I could remember, it never mattered to him what others thought, at least that was the show he put on. He used to talk to me about his dad, and how upset he would get when he was drinking. He told me about his mom, and how he sometimes wished he was with her instead. Sometimes I would find him sitting in the hallway outside of the science rooms, head between his knees, trying to keep his breathing steady. But he was the one who always told me to keep my head up and not let them know it hurts because if they know it might only hurt worse.

He would walk to my house at night, and knock on my door, telling me his home wasn’t safe, and he needed somewhere to stay. When his first girlfriend broke his heart and he needed a distraction he came to me. And we went to the park and talked all night, and he told me with teary eyes, how he thought he was nothing. He believed so strongly that he wasn’t worthy of love, and that when he did they would always leave. That was that night I knew it would always be me and him, and he would always need me.

I was at his house sometime last month, he was home alone. He had called me, and with a shaky voice, he told me the words I never wanted to hear… he wanted to die. I ran over to his house and found him sitting on his bed, a rag covering his wrist. Be stronger than what they think you are. He looked up at me, repeating “I’m sorry Kane, I’m so sorry” with a voice I thought I’d never hear. I simply asked him why, and he told me. He explained, that he thought it would be better, that maybe the world would be better and maybe people would be happier if he was gone. I had never wanted to punch him so hard, but I held back my fist and instead sat down beside him. I told him the stories of the things we’ve done together. “The world can’t light up without stars, you are needed, you are wanted, and I do care.” I took his bleeding arm and wrapped it up gently, the image of those shallow cuts would never leave my mind.

It was around nine at night, when he called me. He was frantic, saying he needed a place to stay. Of course, me being me, I went to pick him up, I didn’t have a car so I was jogging down the street to reach the corner of Fourth Avenue, where he said he would be waiting. The night had a cold chill to it, and I was silently hoping he had enough sense to grab a jacket. I shivered and pulled my coat closer to my body, wrapping myself in its warmth. It was comforting.

It was then that I saw him, he was standing underneath the streetlight, the light illuminating his eyes. He was slouching forward with his hands in his pockets, looking around cautiously.

He looked scared, which is something I never would have expected from him. Stay steady, don’t let them see this hurts you. He made a point to keep up his tough-guy image, but it always dropped in front of me. It was something I admired, how he could be so gentle with people but still tough.

I could clearly see the pained expression written on his face. He looked up at me his eyes watery and face red. I sighed heavily, only him. He walked over to me throwing his arms around me pulling himself tightly to my body, his head resting on my shoulder. Broken kids of today why must the world destroy us, why must they be so cruel. I couldn’t bear to see him like this, it was like with every hitched breath the world dimmed a little. I grabbed him by his shoulders pushing him away slightly, he got the message and took a step back, rubbing at his face, chuckling under his breath.

“I don’t really know why I called you” he shuffled his feet “I just… didn’t know what to do”

I looked at him, his eyes didn’t meet mine. “Shy what’s going on.”

His breathing shuttered and he looked me in the eyes, his lip quivering, it wasn’t from the cold. “Kane, I don’t think it good to leave me alone” he explained to me, everything, his dad kicked him out, his father was drunk and was stupidly acting. But when Shyler pulled down his hood and I saw the bruises scattering the side of his face, I knew why he wanted company. Deadly world every person has venom, it poisons the best people. I grabbed the sleeve of his hoodie and dragged him behind me, I’d explain to my mother in the morning. We made a promise when we were younger. “You go, my world crashes, so stay, if you don’t have another reason, I’ll be that reason, you promise to stay.” And our answer was yes, we made that promise.

I was walking into my house from school, Shy didn’t go, but I checked up on him every hour, in between classes. I was met with silence, instead of his usual puppy-like greeting, and I knew right then, something was wrong. I threw my bag on the ground and sprinted up the stairs. I saw him on the floor the blood on his wrists, in puddles around his arm. A sound ripped from my body and I felt the heated tears cut themselves down my face. I screamed his name, begged him not to leave, to hang on a little while longer. I couldn’t pick up my phone, I just held him to my chest, rocking him, screaming that he didn’t keep up his end of the deal. I wanted to hate him, I wanted to so badly. But I couldn’t, I loved him too much to hate him, and I knew this pain wouldn’t go away.

That night it was me who snuck out of the house, to go to the park by myself.

I walked steadily down the sidewalk, trying to remain calm. He is not dead, he’s at his house sleeping soundly in his bed. Shyler wouldn’t wander these streets at night, no not him, and if he did he would be careful. It’s dark and cold and dirty. Only the insane would be out here this late, knowing what can happen. Never in a million years, but I know it’s true, I saw it happen, I couldn’t stop it. And I won’t ask for forgiveness. But it’s over now, it’s all over for him…

But I’ll always remember the things he told me…

“Be stronger than they think you are. Stay steady don’t let them see this hurts you. Broken kids of today, why must the world destroy us, why must they be so cruel. Deadly world, every person has venom, it poisons the best people.”

But now he’s gone and so my world crashes… down and down and down.