Denial

Her dreams were dreams until they weren't.

Until she pushed too hard to make them real.

Endless nights, panting breaths, cold sweats, shivers down her spine, shudders in her breath, pulled back gasps, choked coughs. She needed him. Even if he didn't exist outside of her mind. Even if his laughter could only be heard in her dreams and even though his touch was invisible, it made hell seem cold.

She couldn't let go of the thought of him and she basked in the fact that only she could feel him, only she knew him. Only she knew the colour of his eyes, how many freckles on his face, the dimples he bore. It didn't matter if they never talked in her dreams or she knew nothing about him she didn't mind watching afar, imagining the feeling of their palms pressed together.

She never met him in real life so she never understood why she saw him every night like a twisted melody she couldn't get out of her head. A sweet scent she found everywhere like cherries clinging to its own flesh.

And she'd always-

I let out harsh coughs, almost jolting from my sleep.

“God I need some water,” I rubbed my eyes and stood out of bed tugging on the navy curtains letting in sunlight painting the room with streaks of gold and amber. I slipped on my slippers, fuzzy grizzly bears wrapping around my feet. I knelt down to my bedside table flipping through a red striped calendar my grandma gave me. “October 14,” I said aloud. I had the habit of talking to myself even if someone was watching it just felt natural.

I gently hopped down the stairs pulling my hoodie over my shorts and as usual like any morning a slice of honey browned toast with marmalade was laid at the centre of the table. With a sticky note on the fridge not too far from it and my mother nowhere to be seen. I sighed, snatching the note off “Made you breakfast, there's money under the plate, had to run off to work, have a good day.”

I stuffed the toast in my mouth chewing recklessly and indeed found cash under the plate 20 dollars. Sweet. My mom usually worked early and sometimes late. She was a nurse so her working hours weren't flexible. I headed back upstairs pulling my hoodie off and rummaged through my closet for something nice to wear. She'd usually leave lunch for me in the oven or left overs in the fridge.

If I was lucky like today she'd give me some cash to spend or I'd pay for anything myself. I squirted toothpaste on my toothbrush and scrubbed my teeth off. There may have not been someone greeting me in the morning but there was always someone welcoming me in the night and for me that was enough. I stuffed a duffle bag with my laptop, a notebook and a couple pens.

Just another regular day for regular me. I was walking down a familiar street with the autumn leaves I stumbled over glaring at me. A tinge of cold in the air as I stuffed my hands down my pockets. I hated being home for too long but it's not like I'd be moving constantly.

I opened the door and the bell chime rang. The cashier glanced up at me and smiled.

“The usual?” I nodded. One brownie, one cappuccino and hours sitting in one spot with thousands of thoughts. I often came here, it was nice, I was always welcomed with warm hues and lingering smiles, slow jazz would play in the back, it was the perfect temperature which most places would get wrong and the interior was nice too.

I liked writing, sometimes with purpose. I'd tend to journal for hours or read documentaries on society and culture. It was strangely intriguing to observe humans being studied for their habits or quirks. Quirks I didn't have or traits I'd envy. It never-

“Here you go,” the cashier from before set down my coffee and pastry on the table smiling warmly at me. I couldn't tell if he wanted something from me or just thought we were familiar since I came here so often.

“Thank you,” I took my first sip. The flavours danced on my tongue. There was something so comforting about familiar tastes.

“So uh I was meaning to ask,” he scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. “Are you from around here?”

“No,” I moved here 4 months ago, something to do with my mom's job. Even if it had been a while I wasn't totally comfortable here.

He nodded and left, probably catching on the fact I wasn't in the mood to talk. I'm not usually. I was here for almost all his shifts. It was a weird coincidence and he'd always ask me inbetween if I needed something. I didn't really see him do it with any other customer. I think his name was Kyle, that's the name I saw on the tag anyway.

I sipped again a chill rushing over my body. It wasn't so important to me being here awake or just in this city. Doesn't help that it's so far from where I grew up. I'm ridiculous. Sometimes I imagine him in this coffee shop sitting next to me in awe of just the sight of me, smiling at me, paying for my food, reaching out and-

God I need to snap out of it but I can't. It's not like I was doing anything wrong, I was just daydreaming.

What felt like hours passed by. I clutched my bag close to me on my way home. A couple stray dogs walked by me idly barking. I don't know if my mom was home yet it didn't really matter anyway. I don't have anything I need to tell her. The concrete was hard against my feet. The sky was dyed in blues and oranges pushing against each other.

-

I flopped down to my bed, spreading my arms out. I let out a long dreary sigh. I was exhausted, probably from being out almost the whole day or having to deal with boring enthusiastic people. Whatever it was I had only one person on my mind and I was about to see him now.

I snuggled against my pillow, shutting my eyes. I sleep pretty easily. My mom used to tease me on car rides saying I'd drool all over my seat or that she could leave me alone on the couch for a while on movie nights and find me asleep when she was back. It's been a while since we've done that. I'm not sure why.

My mom loved wa-

-

Pitch black, dead of night. She was fast asleep now waltzing in the endless pattern of her dream. Gliding on the sand as the seashells bit at her feet almost protesting her presence but she couldn't care less. Not when he was dancing not so far ahead with the elegance of a dove that felt almost poisoned to touch. Each move felt addicting, alluring like she was being pulled into him.

It's like they were connected at least that's what she begged almost every time she was here in her dreams. That they were tangled in each other's souls. If he even had a soul. It was almost like the moonlight was following the two. Maybe the moon desired him as much as she did. Maybe even the moon wished it could be as close to him as she was. While she fantasised how'd it feel if he was dancing with her. Carrying her to his path.

The stars blinked at them. Maybe it was their doing. Maybe the fates stared down at them and decided they'd be star-crossed lovers. Doomed apart but star-crossed lovers weren't meant to be one sided. They were meant to be so uncontrollably obsessed with each other but it wasn't up to them whether they could stay intertwined in each other's affairs.

They were not that.

No he was untouchable and she was in a hopeless state of limerence over him. Always following him with no question, no worry, no wonder of anything or anyone else. Why would she need anything else? As he swept over the sand almost commanding the ocean to sink under him and it was glad to give him its attention.

The dark waves crashed into the shoreline before reeling back into the sea struggling to reach them as the wind hummed in content nipping on their skin. The salt flickered in their frostbitten lips. The mist curled low into the ground exhaling against their blurred figures. It brushed onto her white gown that tore against a large rock.

This was her fantasy. This is what she craved for. For their bodies to fuse against each other and stay like that for as long as possible. Before he could protest, before either one of them could realise what they wanted, before she woke up. Before she woke up to the reality that she lived practically alone and forgot the feeling of human connection.

Before she got her-

I gasped and rubbed my eyes.

“Tsk damn,” Here we go again. Another regular day for regular me. Marmalade toast still on the table, note on the fridge, money under the plate, urge to leave home, packs to leave home, strolls over the same street, opens the same door, addressed by the same-

“The usual?” I nod.

I sipped on my cappuccino and sighed. I should be heading home now. I start to get up slowly packing my things but I absentmindedly stumble into someone.

“Sorry about-”

“It's fine,” I look up. There's no way- was that? No it couldn't be but it was and I wasn't even asleep. He looked so different from in my dreams, so human. Not some God forsaken angel tempting me with sin, just a regular dude. Same hair, same face, same freckles, same dimples but it wasn't-

Oh my god, where did he go? I ran up to the cashier almost frantically. “Kyle!?” He looked up at me like some dumbstruck idiot.

“Uh yes?”

“Who was that dude!? From that table over there!” I point “You know dark curls, brown eyes! What's his name!?”

Kyle almost smirked at me. This bastard had the audacity to tease me.

“What you've never seen a guy with-”

“Dammit Kyle this is why you're a cashier!”

I grabbed my bag and left the shop trailing back impatient ootsteps. God where was he, he couldn't have gone that far. I yelled out darting through every street. There were so many damn people god why do people move so slowly. I almost pushed someone in the road serves them right. I heard them scolding back at me. People turned, curious, annoyed, but none were him.

My boots dragged against the pavement. God he was gone. I actually lost him. No, no no no no no. I just had to fall asleep. I don't think I ever ran so fast to get home out of all places, almost tripped about several times, shoving through people. I even crossed the road during a green light but god when I got there I wasn't alone.

“Mom?” I guess she wasn't working late today for once. Whatever that wasn't important right now. I ran up the stairs.

“Hey wait!” She chased after me “I know it's been awhile since we've spent some time together so I was thinking we could go out to dinner.”

“No sorry, I'm busy, maybe another night,” I snapped at her and ran to my room, locking the door. She's almost never here and all of a sudden she wants to spend time with me. Yeah right. God I need to sleep.

I shut my eyes. I flipped the pillow pressing the cool side to my cheek as if I could smother the thoughts racing through my head. My eyes clenched shut. Just sleep, don't think. You sleep easy, come on now. I continuously adjusted my blanket pulling it down with my toes and adjusting my arms constantly so it'd cover my whole body. I just need to sleep.

-

My eyes open. He wasn't there.

-

It's been 47 days since I've seen him. I looked everywhere. I even asked Kyle if he knew him. Apparently that was his first time there. It's been so long since I've imagined the way he'd dance circles around me, how he'd whisper lowly in the air, how that made me feel. How his fingers tapped against hollow objects echoing the sound. I'll see him again. One day because if I don't I don't know what would happen.

-

She will never see him again. I will never watch her yearn for him in the slow movement of her dreams again. Moving was hard for her after her parents divorce. Her mom took up more hours to afford keeping her seeing her less and less. I remember when she sat in the hospital bed as the doctor explained things to her she couldn't understand. She couldn't handle it. She couldn't handle me. Maeve only wanted one of her.

I remember everything. She'd bang her head against the wall before she'd sleep and cursed relentlessly. Her mothers sobs could be heard from her room. I remember the countless sessions. The “oh you're so strong” or “oh you'll get through this” as if it was our choice. I can tell you exactly where the diagnosis is scrawled up in her room.

DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder also known as Multiple Personality Disorder.