Transmutation

"Speak now"

What did she want me to say? She was sleeping with my best friend. I had no words.

"It was only one time and we were both drunk. You were out of town..."

Apparently my silence has prompted her to keep talking. I wish she'd stop. She does for a second as our food arrives.

"Thank you" she smiles at the waitress. Oh how sincere. She starts eating. I stare down at my food. I have no desire for it. When I look back to her, she's talking again.

"It's really not that big of a deal if you think about it. I mean, think of how tiny we are in relation to the universe..."

She was my universe. I revolved around her. I'm still trying to process the first thing she said.

"... so you see, it's really-"

"Hold on, hold on hold on" I say, closing my eyes tightly for a moment, then I open them.

"You slept with Alan?"

Her face goes blank for a second.

"Well, yeah"

"How..." I search for the words. Her food is half finished and she's taking another bite. The waitress asks if everything is fine. She tells her it is.

"How could you" I ask, incredulous.

"Do I have to describe-"

"No. I mean. How could you do this to me?"

She thinks for a moment.

"Ollie, it's not that-"

"It is to me!"

She's taken aback by my outburst. I look around for the waitress and wave her over.

"Could I get a box?" I ask. She smiles and nods.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Leaving" I say, staring over at a happy couple laughing across the table together.

"Why?" she asks innocently. She reaches over to touch my arm. Without looking at her, I pull away. I don't answer her. The waitress brings the box over and I'm loading my food into it, pissed now.

"Ollie don't leave"

I close the box and walk out without looking back. Maybe Alan will show up and pay the bill. I'm hoping he isn't in our apartment when I get back there because I think I'll kill him.

He isn't there when I get back. Sam must've warned him that I'd be coming back. He was probably in my place at the restaurant now consoling her.

My best friend. Wow. I open the fridge and put my leftovers in, then soup down on the couch. I'm feeling depressed now. My best friend and the girl who I thought was the love of my life. On the drive home I considered hooking up with someone just to get even, but now the thought made me sick. I needed to get away. Leave the world I knew behind. I didn't have any psychedelics, not that I would've taken them if I did. The thought did seem appealing though.

Maybe I should just end it. That'll show them. I scoff bitterly. Bet they'd feel like shit. Serves them right.

But I know that I won't do that either. I groan and sink back into the couch. I think of Kafka's words: "Perhaps to sleep a little longer and forget all this nonsense."

When I wake up I'm still alive. How disappointing. The apartment is still empty. Maybe. none of it really happened. Maybe it was a dream.

I check my phone and there's a message from Alan saying how we needed to talk. An identical message from Sam. I didn't feel like talking. I didn't even want to be alive.

I hoisted myself off the couch and walked to my room. Keeping the light off I began to pack my bags. The lease was conveniently up in a week. I didn't know where I was going. I knew I was leaving this place. Nothing kept me here anymore. I could do my online job anywhere. The apartment with Alan and relationship with Sam held me back from going anywhere. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Whatever it was, I felt empty because of it.

I packed my computer, my clothes, my savings. The bed was whatever. It was from my parent's house anyway. All I had was cheap department store dressers and shelves. I wouldn't miss it. I locked the door and descended the front steps without looking back.

The ocean was calling to me. It always had. My GPS said it would be a 6 hour drive. I didn't mind. My car was big enough to sleep in, so housing wasn't really an issue when I got there. If it was, whatever. I would cross that bridge when I got to it.

Alan and Sam sent me more messages, but I ignored them. I put on a happy playlist and looked to what lay ahead for me.

The happy playlist didn't feel right. Not yet anyway. I pulled into a rest area to think. I sat behind the wheel of my idling car, watching a family. They were stretching and yawning. The father in sandals pointed towards the bathrooms and said something I couldn't hear. I could imagine it was "anybody gotta use the can?"

I remembered the roadtrips from my childhood. The destination always lingered in the back of my mind, but my main concern was how to entertain myself in the car. I brought too many books I wouldn't read, notebooks, handheld gaming devices. I usually just wound up staring out the window listening to music for hours. I smile sadly at the memories as the father of the family moves towards the bathroom with his young son.

I could lie to myself if I wanted to. Play happy music and act like I had moved on. The truth was that I was hurting badly. Getting away was the right choice, I felt that. But I was still sad. I put on my depressed playlist and backed out of the rest stop. The kid was racing his smiling father back to the car. I didn't see who won.

Tears crept from my eyes as I drove. How could she do this to me? How could Alan do this to me? Was I all alone in the world? Navigating the darkness of adult life alone was hard. I didn't want to burden my parents with any of it, though. They had my siblings to worry about still. And I didn't want to seem like I couldn't be an adult and work through my own feelings.

So I cried as the beach drew closer. It didn't feel good while I was doing it. I felt horrible, that's why I was crying. But when I was through crying and saw the "Welcome to Wildwood" sign, I started to feel better. Somehow a happy song had snuck into the playlist. I wasn't upset, though. The future lay ahead. It was no use lingering on the past.