Old Habits

Well, that was an undertaking! One month of my life without a single taste of my extracurricular past time. I never would have guessed I could have made it, and can’t imagine trying again. Jesus, one whole month, unbelievable!

Sitting in my minivan, outside of my office, my second home, I’m pondering my last month. If anyone ever asked, “What was the hardest part?” How would I answer? I don’t know. I pretty much had to tie myself up, not literally, don’t worry I’m not that crazy. But it was longer than I’ve gone in probably twenty years that’s for sure.

Twenty years… seems like a lifetime. Well, it almost is, I’m only thirty. I remember my first, it feels like yesterday, it was calming, relaxing, and uplifting. I felt free and my mind was quieted for the first time. It was what freed me from all my thoughts and all my inhibitions. I know most people wouldn’t describe it as such. Hell, most people aren’t me. No one is me. I’m certainly one of a kind.

Either way, I lost some weight this last month, and wore out a good pair of shoes. It was easy, every time I wanted to break down, every time I wanted to forget my promise to myself, I just went for a walk. The streets around my house are way less foreign to me now. Hell, I know the streets in some nearby neighborhoods I didn’t even know were there.

I even took up drinking for the first time. Now, some people would worry about that, “You’re just trading one vice for another.” To me, after a long walk, after enjoying the slight rush that would give me, I just needed to cool down and a shot of whiskey, or a nice cold beer, seemed to do the trick. That was it, just one, mostly I was afraid that if I had any more than that I would drop my guard and slip into exactly what I was trying to stay away from.

Other people might also ask, “Are you going to start right back up?” I can’t imagine why not, if I was to try to stop altogether, I’m not sure how that would play out. There are some things in life you can change, there are some you don’t want to change, and there are those that are just inherently you… those are the things that can’t be changed. Well, aside from death that is. When you’re dead you can’t do too much. Wow, that went to a dark place.

Today is my last day, and I haven’t even planned my way back into this. Usually, I’m looking for my next pulse-racing, soul cleansing, moment. When I took a month off it was all the way. Starting from square one is always interesting. A lot of homework, and a ton of preparation goes into every detail, every moment needs to be anticipated and it all has to be just right.

There is a certain code of conduct I’ve chosen to live by. A particular set of rules I’ve placed upon myself. If I didn’t have these rules, I’m sure my overall outcome would be much different than where II am. My father helped me, he found out what I was doing and showed me the right way, showed me a better way. Some would say that makes him a bad man, but he was able to see me, see who I am behind my vice. He was able to clear the fears and hesitancies I had from day to day.

Being on vacation this past month may have helped in my success. It was a well needed vacation from everything. Though I didn’t really go anywhere, just not to work. Away from the one place that feeds my addiction. Without a constant stream of stock to choose from, I was able to focus on other things that needed my attention.

My sister, who has always been my rock, has needed some extra love from her brother lately, so I tried to be there for her. Her latest relationship has fallen apart. It’s a pattern she has, but it hurts none the less. This one was especially hard for her. She was actually thinking this guy was the one. I must admit, I liked the guy too, I feel like we had something in common, something more than my sister.

My girlfriend and I have also moved further along than I ever thought possible. She is important to me. Important to maintain that certain look, though I still love her, just not in the same way she loves me.  

That’s the part of life that seems a chore. Stepping in and doing the socially acceptable things. Being the person, having the persona, that people expect of you. I’ve been trying to fit in all my life, fit into a world that doesn’t want to accept a person like me. A world that can’t accept a person like me.

I am exceptional, unique… different for sure.

I’m not sure why I’m waiting out here so long, or why there are butterflies doing a mamba in my gut. My first day back in a month. Am I scared for what might happen? Or for what I might find? Or am I just a little too ready to jump back into everything, to jump back into my old life, my old habits, my old way.

More than likely, it will be a few weeks before I can find my next fix. It’s better that I take my time, I know that, but it’s already been far too long.

With some hesitation, I pull the handle to release the car door and climb out. Most people probably return from a vacation with little anticipation, without a hurried excitement pulling them faster and faster toward their desk. I’m ready, I want to dig through the files, I want to immerse myself in everything I’ve missed. With each step I’m tamping down my excitement and reminding myself to act the part. I walk in with a certain lack of interest, trying to make my approach back into work feel like a chore. I’m also preparing to lie and tell everyone how great my time off was, and how much I didn’t want to return. The truth couldn’t be more opposite.

Finally, I pull open the door to the building, my senses are flooded with all that I missed. The buzz, the hustle, and even the smells of Miami all bundled into one reception area. Several people sit cuffed to a hard metal bench, waiting to be questioned about what they did. Maybe one of them will be my next…

“Morning Dexter. Good to see you again.”

“Thanks,” I answer with a certain solemness, but inside I’m filled with excitement to feed my dark passenger.