Broken Mind

Trigger Warning: This story has depictions of Alzheimer's/Dementia in it.

“It’s mine and you can’t have it!” I speak out loud to God, from the comfort of my own bedroom, clutching my journal to my chest. Someone knocks on my door. “Come in!”

"Good morning, Leila! How are we doing this morning?" I am asked as Shelby walks into the room and sets down a breakfast tray, and a little plastic cup of pills.

"A bit foggy, but it could be because I haven't had my coffee yet." I say. I count on my fingers one to five, repeating the memories in my head.

"Alright, well that's okay! We'll get that started for you. Let's hear that list, and we'll move on to your morning check-up." she says.

"Wonderful." I say dully. I hate the daily check-ups; It is required for all the residents, but I feel fine physically. It's my brain that doesn't work right. "One, my name is Leila and I have 4 children, Mark, Lily, Sadie, and Ben. Two, Mark is my oldest. He loves food, family, and works with computers. Three, Lily is my first girl. She loves to argue, and she's the best dang lawyer in the state. Four, Sadie is my second girl. She loves animals and owns her own Ranch. Five, Ben is my youngest. He loves to read and he-..." I pause. C'mon... I just had this. I know it, it's there.

"It's okay, take your time. It'll come." She says encouragingly.

"Ben... He... I know it, I promise. I just said it before you came in! I know it." I twist my pinky, trying to get the fifth memory to surface. It's right there, I can feel it. I try to think back to Ben as a kid. I can see him riding a bike, and him covered head to toe in spaghetti. Him coming home with stacks of books that have men with light up swords on the cover.

My hands start to sweat, and my eyes start to water. "I know him, he's my little boy. He likes to read, and..." I say.

"He likes to read, and he writes books about magic." She says. She sits on the bed next to me.

"Yes! Yes! He used to write stacks of stories on loose paper. I'd find bits and pieces of them all over the house!" I remember finding little scraps of paper under the couch. I look down as shame fills my heart. I can't forget my kids. I can't, for their sake.

"Yes, he's coming today you know. He'll be here at 2pm." She pats my shoulder. "He's going to be so happy to see you, it's been nearly two weeks!"

"What if I forget what he likes? We'll have nothing to talk about. What if I forget his name? He shouldn't come, none of them should. They have their memories, and I don't want to tarnish them with this!"

"Hey, hey, we talked about this... it comes and goes. He isn't going to care what you talk about; he loves you. Leila, your beautiful children are here all the time, and I know they would be more than happy to just sit and share a meal with you. Don't worry about what's up here." She touches her temple. "All that matters is what's here." She touches her chest, over her heart. She gives me a hug, and then gets up to grab the machine that checks my heartbeat through my finger. "Don't worry about it okay?... We'll try again in a couple hours, and I'm sure you'll remember it all again."

I go sit in my chair by the window and I stare at my journal, on the table beside me. I know what’s in there. I wrote an entire journal of memories when I found out that there was something wrong in my head. I can recall images of my children doing things like putting sprinkles on fresh baked cookies, and I can remember the sound of 8 pairs of shoes running through the house, while they played some game. But I don’t even know what I don’t remember anymore. Reading that journal brings back some of it, but I didn’t come close to writing down everything. How many things are already gone?

The weeks go by, and I manage to keep my list at five, but it’s getting harder and harder. I’ll forget what one of them does for a living, or the things that they are interested in. I have written my five memories on a page in my journal, and I keep it next to my bed. I read it over an over again. I recite it out loud in my bed, as I watch tv. I recite it in the shower. I recite it as I walk through the garden here at the center. I have to remember it, losing these five things is like losing them. Every day I wake up I dread that more pieces of them are gone.

“Please god, just let this be a good memory day.” I pray, as I get up and get dressed. I hear a knock at my door. “Come in!”

“Good morning, Leila! How are you? Did you sleep okay?” A man walks into my room. He smiles at me and sets down my breakfast tray, and my medicine.

“Who are you? Where’s... my nurse?” I say. What is her name? She’s told me a million times. I think it’s an S name. Shh...aron?

“Shelby took this week off, she’ll be back in a few days. I’m Trevor, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He shakes my hand. “I was told there was a list. Do we want to go ahead and start on that?” he says.

“Okay… One, my name is Leila and I have 4 children, Mark, Lily, Sadie, and Ben. Two, Mark is my oldest. He loves food, family, and works with computers. Three, Lily is my first girl. She loves to argue, and she's… the best dang lawyer in the state. Four, …Sadie is my second girl. She loves… animals and owns her own Ranch. Five, Ben is my youngest. He loves to read, and he writes books about magic.”

“Well done! He glances down at the paper on his clipboard. You got all of them. This is looking to be a very good day. Sadie will be here at noon. I bet she’ll be over the moon to see you. So let’s get you checked out and you can tell me what you’d like to do today.” He says. He does my check-up and I chat with him until my check up is done and he leaves the room. I thank the lord that all the memories were there this morning.

Later I’m in the common room and Sadie walks in and hugs me. “Mom! Look at you! Your hair is getting so long, I love it!” Sadie says.

“Aww sweetheart you’re too kind. Look at you too! You look so beautiful. I love that blouse on you!”

“Thanks mom. I found it in the garage. You used to wear it to church sometimes, remember?”

I don’t. “Ah, yes. Well, it looks way better on you than it ever did on me. How is everything at the ranch?” I say.

“Great! Remember Daisy, my favorite horse? She just had twins! They are the cutest little foals I have ever seen. It was scary there for a minute, but the vet was so amazing. Sadie and the twins are already out and socializing with the herd.” She gushes. Sadie is so sweet, she wears her heart on her sleeve… or should I say my sleeve? We talk for a while and then I kiss her on the cheek goodbye.

“I’ll be back in a few days Mom, I love you!” She says as she makes her way to the doorway.

I go back to my room and I look at my list and recite my memories before I lay down for a nap. The rest of the day goes by uneventful. The next morning I wake up to the sun shining through the curtains, and I start to count on my fingers. One, two, three, four, five. I glance at the open page of my journal. One, two, three, four, five. I get dressed, and there’s a knock on my door. “Come in!”

A man walks through the door. Where’s Shelly? “Good morning, Leila! How are you doing this morning?”

“I’m okay. Who are you? Where’s Shelly?” I ask.

“Shelby took this week off, she’ll be back in a few days. I’m Trever, and I’ll be your nurse while she’s gone. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He shakes my hand. “I hear there’s a list. Would you like to start on that?”

“Alright… One, My name is Leila and I have four children…” four children… and their names are… “um... Lily, and… Sadie…”

Trevor looks at me, waiting for something to come to me. “It’s okay. There’s Mark, and Ben?”

“Yes! Mark is my oldest, and Ben is my youngest. Okay! Um, Two, Mark is my oldest and he loves food, family, and he works with computers. Three, Lily is my first girl, and she loves to argue. She’s the best lawyer in the state! Four…” oh no.. please, I can see her face. Please.

“It’s okay Leila. Just take a breath.”

“No. No no no no… please. No. It’s right there… she’s right there. Why is this happening?” Tears fill my eyes. I cover my face with my hands. Come on, you stupid brain. Work!

“It’s okay Leila. Everything is okay. Just take a breath.” Trevor places his hand on my shoulder.

“NO! DON’T TOUCH ME!” I jerk my arms away from him. “I CAN DO IT!” Four… four… four… “PLEASE I KNOW I CAN DO IT!”

“Hey, I know you can! Shhhh, it’s okay. How about we get some food in you first?” he says.

“NO! WHO ARE YOU? WHERE’S SHELLY.”

“Leila, I’m Trevor. Shelby is out for the week, she’ll be back in a few days. I’ll be your nurse until she gets back. Hey! I hear there’s a list, do you have it written somewhere? I don’t know it and I want to be able to help you in the mornings..” he says.

I’m crying… but I look at my journal. “My list?”

“Yes, is it written down in that journal? Do you think maybe we can read it together?” He says.

“Um, yes.” I wipe my eyes on my sleeve. “It’s nice to meet you.” I grab the journal, it’s already open to the list.

“Okay, now let’s look at it together, so I can do my best to help you recite them in the morning..” He sits down next to me, and puts his finger to the page. “One, your name is Leila, and you have four children, Mark, Lily, Sadie, and Ben. Two, Mark is my oldest. He loves food, family, and works with computers. Three, Lily is my first girl. She loves to argue, and she's the best lawyer in the state. Four, Sadie is my second girl. She loves animals and owns her own Ranch. Five, Ben is my youngest. He loves to read, and he writes books about magic. Magic? That sounds fun! I used to read books like that all the time.” He says.

“Yeah, he used to leave his stories all over the house. He got an A plus in creative writing when he was in high school.” I say. I remember putting his report card on the fridge.

“Well, that’s amazing, I’ve never been good at writing, but I am pretty good at math. Are you hungry? We have pancakes and sausage this morning! He lifts the lid to show me, and he hands me my little cup of pills and some water. So let’s get your check up done then, and you can eat, how does that sound?” He asks.

“Okay.” I take my pills and he takes my heart rate. After a few minutes he leaves the room. I eat, and in between bites I count. One, two, three, four, five. I look at the paper, and I drink my juice. Afterwards, I decide to take a walk down to the garden.

 I sit down on the bench surrounded by daisies and beautiful violet flowers. One, two, three, four, five. I look at my journal briefly and then look up to the sky. “One, my name is Leila and I have 4 children, Mark, Lily, Sadie, and Ben. Two, Mark is my oldest. He loves food, family, and works with computers. Three, Lily is my first girl. She loves to argue, and she's the best dang lawyer in the state. Four, Sadie is my second girl. She loves animals and owns her own Ranch. Five, Ben is my youngest. He loves to read and he writes books about magic.”

I need to glance at my journal multiple times to get through it… Tears run down my face... “Please God. These are my children you’re taking from me. I can’t do it.” I squeeze my journal to my chest. “Please stop this,” I stare at the clouds, talking to God, and praying that someone up there is listening. “Please, this journal is filled with joy, and love, SO MUCH LOVE… It’s mine, and you can’t have it! Please, I pray that anyone out there can help me keep it… it’s all I have left. It’s all they have left of their mom… Don’t take me away from them… Please...”

Author's Note: I have a relative that had a mental disease like this, but I've never experienced it closely or firsthand, so please forgive me if some things included in the story are not accurate. It's just my imagination filling in the gaps.