A Matter of Urgency

Subject: URGENT: Assistance Required – Your Immediate Attention Needed

Dear Beloved Friend,

I am Prince Olumide Okonjo, the last surviving son of His Royal Majesty, King Adewale Okonjo III, the former ruler of the Great Kingdom of Lagos, Nigeria. I am writing to you in the strictest confidence as I seek a trustworthy foreign partner to assist me in a most urgent and delicate matter.

Before my father’s untimely passing, he entrusted me with access to a secret family fortune of $27.8 million USD, securely deposited in an offshore bank account in the UK. Due to the greedy machinations of my enemies, I am unable to access these funds directly. As a result, I am seeking your assistance to help facilitate the transfer of this inheritance to your account for safekeeping.

For your generosity and trust, you will be rewarded with 30% of the total sum ($8,340,000 USD) upon successful completion of this transaction. There are no risks involved, and all legal documents have been prepared to ensure the smooth transfer of the funds.

To proceed, kindly provide me with the following details: Your full name, home address, social security number, and your banking details (for wire transfer purposes).

Once I receive your reply, I will introduce you to my father’s trusted attorney, who will guide you through the formalities of the transaction. Time is of the essence, as the Nigerian government is seeking to seize all royal family assets. Please respond immediately so we may proceed with the necessary arrangements.

Yours in gratitude,

Prince Olumide Okonjo

The Royal House of Okonjo

**

Subject: Re: URGENT: Assistance Required – Your Immediate Attention Needed

My Dearest Prince Olumide,

Oh, what a delightful surprise to hear from royalty! I must confess, I have never received an email from a real Prince before, except perhaps from the Duke of Edinburgh’s fan club, but that was mostly newsletters and very disappointing, I must say.

I read your email with trembling hands — this time, not from arthritis, but from pure excitement! My dear, what a tragic yet noble burden you bear! How cruel that your enemies seek to take your rightful inheritance! But worry not, for you have found a true ally in me, Ms Dorothy Prendergast (though you may call me Dottie, darling).

Your story reminds me of my late husband, Lord Reginald Prendergast, who once lost a considerable sum on the horse races, except instead of a fortune in an offshore bank, he misplaced his wallet in the pub. A tragic loss, nonetheless.

I am deeply moved by your plight and am, without a doubt, willing to assist you in retrieving your millions. What is money, after all, if not a meaningless collection of numbers, much like my age?

The thought of your princely hands trembling in distress simply breaks my heart! If I could, I would comfort you personally — with a warm embrace, a freshly baked Victoria sponge, and perhaps a foot rub.

I must admit, I haven’t had a strong, young Prince needing me like this since my days in the Women’s Auxiliary Balloon Corps, but I am eager to rise to the occasion! However, I do have a few small concerns before we proceed:

1. Are you, by chance, single? I am an open-minded woman and am willing to share my fortune and my good china with a dashing young royal such as yourself.

2. Would you prefer that I send my bank details handwritten in calligraphy or simply read them to you in a sultry voice over the telephone?

3. I have £4,732.11 in my account at the moment, plus a modest coin collection from the reign of George VI — should I liquidate these assets immediately for your benefit?

4. If we are to be partners in this noble quest, might I request a photo of Your Highness??

I look forward to your reply, my darling Prince, and await further instructions on how we shall conquer this great injustice together, hand in hand.

Yours ever so fondly,

Miss Dorothy "Dottie" Prendergast

Lover of Fine Royalty and Excellent Fruitcake

Brighton, United Kingdom

**

Subject: Re: Re: URGENT: Assistance Required – TIME IS RUNNING OUT

Dear Most Esteemed Madam Prendergast,

I must first express my utmost gratitude and joy for your prompt and compassionate response. Truly, you are a woman of great kindness and generosity, and I thank the heavens that I have found a sweet partner such as yourself in these most trying times.

However, I must stress that this is a VERY SERIOUS BUSINESS MATTER, and it is of urgent importance that we proceed fast! The Central Bank of Nigeria has already begun making inquiries about the funds, and time is running out!

I appreciate your willingness to assist me financially, but please do not concern yourself with coin collections or baked goods, I fear it may complicate the legal formalities involved.

Just send me the following information immediately so that my attorney may begin processing the necessary documentation: your full name (for official banking purposes), your address, a scanned copy of your identification, your social security number, and your bank details, including account number and sort code.

My situation is most precarious, and I cannot risk sending you my photograph for the fear that my enemies will track me down. But, dearest Dottie, I assure you that I am a man of great stature and remarkable handsomeness, with the strength of a warrior and the heart of a poet. I am dreaming of the day I will be able to hold your beautiful face in my hands and express my deepest gratitude.

TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! Please reply at once with the required details so we may proceed.

Yours in great urgency,

Prince Olumide Okonjo

The Royal House of Okonjo

**

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: URGENT: Our Love and Our Future

My Most Dashing Prince Olumide,

Oh, my sweet, noble warrior, your words have sent shivers down my spine. How I have longed for a man of great stature and remarkable handsomeness to sweep me off my feet — a luxury I was never afforded by my dear late husband, who was not exactly a towering figure and could barely reach the top shelf, let alone lift me. And now here you are, a royal vision, standing before me (figuratively speaking, of course, though one can dream).

Your situation is dire, and my heart aches to think of you in such distress. And yet, I hesitate. You see, love is not built on finances alone — it is built on trust, devotion, and, most importantly, grand romantic gestures. How am I to know that you are truly committed to me and not merely after my modest coin collection and my late husband’s ceramic owls (which, I must warn you, have great sentimental value)?

Before I send my documents, I must request proof of your love. Nothing extravagant, of course, just a few small tokens to show your devotion:

1. A poem, written from the depths of your heart, expressing your admiration for me. It should be at least 14 lines long and should compare me to something exotic, like a gazelle or a rare West African mango.

2. A photograph of you holding a sign that says “In love with my darling Dottie,” so I may place it beneath my pillow at night and gaze upon it in the mornings while sipping my chamomile tea.

3. An audio recording of you singing a love song. I suggest something sultry and powerful, like Unchained Melody or perhaps a traditional Nigerian ballad? If you are shy, humming will suffice, but I must insist on at least 45 seconds of passionate vocalization.

4. A list of baby names you would like for our future children. Now, I know at my age, one wouldn’t expect me to be pondering such things, but with your vast fortune, I’m sure we could find a way. I saw on TV that those Kardashian girls simply hire other women to do the gestating — how convenient! Would you prefer something regal, like Bartholomew? Or something modern, like Trevor?

Now, my beloved Prince, while we wait for these little tokens, I have taken the liberty of beginning to dream about our future.

1. Just for your information: A blessed marital union would be possible at St. Cuthbert’s Church here in Brighton for June 17^th! This is the only available date between their monthly bingo night and the vicar’s holiday in Bournemouth.

2. My nephew, Clive, is now a DJ. He specializes in 1970s disco, so in case you enjoy ABBA and the Bee Gees I could book him for the reception.

3. I could order matching his-and-hers velvet tracksuits embroidered with “His Royal Highness” and “Queen Dottie.” I feel like the shade of deep emerald green would bring out the richness of your royal complexion.

4. Instead of a boring old wedding cake, I propose we have a 7-tier pork pie tower. I have never been a classic traditional girl, you see. I like modernity.

To inspire you, I have attached a most flattering photograph of myself in my favourite floral dress. This was taken just last Sunday after church, so rest assured — I look no older than I did then (divine lighting and a good hat can work wonders).

Oh, my darling, how my heart flutters at the thought of us hand in hand, rolling down Brighton Pier, forever united in love and financial security.

I desperately await your poem, your photo, your song, and your list of baby names, my Prince. Until then, I shall remain anxiously checking my inbox, dreaming of you.

Yours in undying love and mild skepticism,

Miss Dorothy "Dottie" Prendergast

Soon-to-Be Her Royal Highness Queen Dottie of Nigeria and Brighton

P.S. If you are struggling to write poetry, might I suggest something that begins “Shall I compare thee to a freshly buttered crumpet?”? I find it a very inspiring image.

**

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: URGENT: A Poem of Love and Destiny

My Most Divine Dottie,

Oh, how your words have shaken me to my very core! I must confess, never before has a woman demanded such proof of love from me, nor have I ever been asked to compose a poem under such… urgent circumstances. But because my heart yearns for you, I shall do as you request.

A Royal Poem for My Dearest Dottie

Oh Dottie, sweet Dottie, my queen of delight,

Your words bring me joy, though my stress is great plight.

Your laughter, like raindrops, so soft and so pure,

Like funds in a bank that are safe and secure.

Your beauty transcends both time and the tide,

Like a very good woman who will soon be my bride.

Oh, to gaze on your face, to hold you so tight,

Would be quite convenient… once funds are in flight.

Like mangoes so ripe in the hot summer air,

Your kindness is rich, beyond all compare.

And though my heart aches, my lawyer insists,

That before we continue, I must see your bank list.

Oh Dottie, my darling, my love so divine,

Just send me the details, and soon you'll be mine.

For love is like money — it moves when it's freed,

So hurry, my sweet, send your details with speed.

There! A poem from the depths of my soul. Please, my dearest Dottie, I beg of you, do not doubt my love. I have humbly poured my heart into these words, and I pray that they move you as deeply as they have moved me.

Now, as a token of your trust, I must request that you provide the documents and banking details immediately so we may move forward. Time is running short, my love, and I cannot bear to think of a world where we are not together and also very wealthy.

Yours in poetic devotion and unwavering urgency,

Prince Olumide Okonjo

The Royal House of Okonjo

**

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Our Future is in Your Hands, My Love

My Dearest, Most Passionate Prince Olumide,

Oh, what a masterpiece your poem was! It moved me to tears, I simply must have it engraved onto a commemorative tea set, so that I may sip my Earl Grey while reflecting upon your poetic brilliance.

And yet, my darling, my strong warrior, I fear we have reached a most unfortunate impasse.

You see, while I was positively enthralled by your words, I found myself reflecting upon our future together. And then, a realization struck me like a bolt of lightning:

You are not a Prince, are you, Olumide?

Oh, don’t look so shocked, darling. Did you truly believe I would fall for your little game?

My name is not Miss Dorothy Prendergast.

I am known in certain circles as Madame Prendergast, the Grand Dame of Deception, the Phantom of Fraud, the Widow of Wealth Extraction.

I once sold Buckingham Palace on Craigslist.

Did you think I wouldn’t trace your IP address? Did you assume that a woman who once convinced a Russian oligarch that I was the Queen’s secret twin sister wouldn’t do my research? You’re just a baby in this game, sweetheart.

Tell me, Olumide, how is your dear mother, Abike?

Oh yes. I know all about her.

A charming woman, by all accounts. Devout. Respected in her church. She must be so proud of her son, a royal prince doing important international business via Yahoo Mail.

Wouldn’t it be a terrible shame if she were to receive an anonymous package containing all of your emails? Perhaps even a printout of that charming little poem you wrote to a 78-year-old British widow, along with a detailed report on your “financial endeavors”?

Imagine her disappointment. Imagine the church gossip.

By the way, Interpol has been looking for someone matching your description. What a coincidence! I happen to have a very large file sitting on my desk, ready to be forwarded to the appropriate authorities.

One email to Interpol, the Nigerian Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, and your dear old mum, and poof — Prince Olumide vanishes, not into royal exile, but into a very uncomfortable interrogation room.

Now, my darling, I am not a cruel woman. I have no desire to ruin your life (though I certainly could). Instead, I will make you an offer:

Send me $2,000 immediately — a small token for wasting my time, you understand — and I shall forget you ever existed.

Ignore this request, and by sunrise tomorrow, your dearest mother will know everything.

Tick tock, my love. Tick tock.

Yours in power and profit,

Madame Prendergast

The Grand Dame of Deception

Brighton, United Kingdom

P.S. If you try to run, I will double the fee. Be smart, darling. Pay up and disappear.

**

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: PLEASE, MADAME PRENDERGAST, I BEG YOU

Most Esteemed and Merciful Madame Prendergast,

Please, I beg you, have mercy upon me!

I now see that I have underestimated you, and I throw myself at your feet, pleading for forgiveness. I am but a foolish man and I now tremble before your superior brilliance.

Please, do not contact my mother. I am begging you, Madame Prendergast, from the depths of my soul. You do not understand.

I can already picture it: the disgrace, the humiliation, the community prayer circle held specifically for my deliverance. My uncle is a pastor, Madame, do you know what that means? It means there will be an intervention. There will be fasting. There will be anointing oil.

And Interpol?! My heart nearly stopped beating when I read your email. I am not cut out for prison, Madame. I do not wish to spend my days eating dry rice and being called "boy" by men with neck tattoos.

I will comply immediately with your most reasonable request. The money is coming. Please, I beg of you, the moment you receive it, delete everything. Forget my name. Forget I ever existed.

I promise, on my mother’s life, that I shall never again attempt a scam. I am retiring, Madame. I shall seek honest work, perhaps as a schoolteacher or a bricklayer.

Please, let this be the end.

I await your confirmation that you have received the funds. I hope never to hear from you again.

Yours in fear and repentance,

(Former) Prince Olumide Okonjo

A Very Sorry Man