Another one bites the dust

It was just a breakup, another mediocre relationship that had ended. It had nothing to do with her, her worth, or even his. It just wasn't the right fit. She knew that. 

Then why the fuck am I so damn pissed? She thought to herself as she stuffed all her hiking gear into her backpack.

Whenever she went through a breakup, she did the same thing; she grabbed her things, a memento of the relationship, and went on a hike to bury it along with her feelings. She knew her therapist would read into this little ritual. She should work through her feelings instead of burying them. She should have had a practice that was more focused on cleansing. But for Lydia, this was cleansing. This was working through her feelings. 

She knew she reacted poorly to the breakup and would likely regret how she ended it, but it came out of nowhere. One day they were cuddled up and laughing, watching a silly movie and eating the dinner she'd burned, but he still choked it down with a smile. And the next day, he said he couldn't do this anymore. Saying that there was clearly 'something here,' he just didn't see the point in discovering if it was worth his time and energy since he believed love should be 'all-consuming.' 

It's 2022, she thought. Everyone's on enough Prozac to bring down a horse. There's no such thing as all-consuming love…is there?

After staring at him blankly for what felt like hours, Tyler broke like she knew he would. Pansy. He finally got to the real reason he wanted to end it. He'd met someone else on Hinge and thought she was more aligned with his 'vibe.' After dating him for a few months, she knew that meant this new girl sucked his dick better. She didn't complain about his poor communication, didn't bring up his emotional trauma that constantly sabotaged an excellent relationship, and was never angered by his last-minute changes or cancellations. She knew she was a lot and was working through her own issues, but damn. 

He was way more messed up than I am. Lydia thought as she mentally checked off everything she needed for the day. 

Tossing her packed bag into the car with a few snacks and water bottles for the trip, she remembered the little shovel she needed. Running back into the apartment, she nearly tripped over the camping tarp she'd haphazardly tossed on the floor to cover up the spill she made earlier while getting the memento together and in the box for burying. Grabbing the spade, Lydia felt ready to close this final page of her chapter with Tyler.

--

She loved this part, the drive. Though it usually meant something was ending, it also meant a new beginning. Driving to the Catskills on a crisp fall morning, she thought about the relationship, and it wasn't lost on her that the fall foliage was changing the further she went away from the city. Nature's reminder that things change. Things end. It's the cycle of life.

Did she hyper-fixate on the relationship? Sure. Did she let her anxiety get the best of her and likely smother him? Absolutely. Was he open to hearing her needs and worries and wanted to work with her to find the best dynamic and communication style that worked for them? 

"Nope." She muttered through clenched teeth as she parked her car at Catskills Mountain. 

"But the sex was good." She sighed and shrugged as she checked her hiking bag one last time. Triple checking that the little box with the memento she was about to bury and the shovel were there. 

Starting the hike, she relished the mid-morning sun slowing her pace to enjoy it. With it being a Tuesday, she felt like she had the entire trail all to herself. She took in the beautiful blue sky and the sound of birds and nature all around her. She always felt cleansed when she heard rustling wind through the trees. Pausing halfway up and letting the sound bath of this magical spot envelope her. 

Walking off her mad and hurt feelings, she reached the top of the mountain. Lydia was always stunned by the beauty of this view. Sure, New York City was a wonder in itself, but the grandeur of something naturally made always did more for her than the brutal metal jungle of the city. 

Maybe I should move out of the city, she thought as she made her way to where she buried all her little mementos. It was hidden and not on the trail, but that's how she liked it. It felt a little magical, a little wild, her little secret spot.

It's not like she'd been in many relationships, but she knew at least seven other little boxes from her past were buried here. And maybe it was silly, but to her, it helped her make peace with these endings.

Standing in the middle of the clearing, surrounded by a circle of trees and rocks, she dropped her bag, grabbed the shovel, and got to business. Once the hole was big enough, she took out the small box, opened it, looked inside, and smirked. Looking up to the sky, Lydia closed it for the last time. As she placed it on the moist earth, she felt a silly thrill run through her. Mentally saying goodbye to the good parts of her time with Tyler and empathetically understanding the bad aspects she would learn from. Ready for a new beginning.

Lydia believed that ending a relationship meant it wasn't a failed relationship. With each connection, she learned more about herself and what she wanted in a partner. Tyler reminded her of her wild side. Her sexy side. With a grin, she reminisced about the time he texted her to meet him in the bathroom of the bar they were at. Minutes later, they were ripping into each other as soundlessly as possible while people went in and out. She'd never tapped into that sexy side before. The side of her that her last relationship with Ryan was lacking. 

She sighed, looking to her left at where the memento from that relationship was. She remembered all the fun dates they'd had and were planning before it had ended. Ryan liked her emotional intelligence but got off with other people. Constantly disrespecting her by showing up to dates with a hickey on his neck from someone else. Planning dates with other women while he was with her. But always willing to talk and make things work for them. Or at least for himself. But he never pushed her up against a wall and boinked her brains out after a fight. 

She remembered the morning after Ryan had gotten so drunk, he asked for another girl's number in front of her at a bar. She'd broken up with him once he was awake. Cringing, Lydia closed her eyes. She also remembered after she'd ended it, he stuck around her apartment to nap off his hangover for two more hours until she finally told him to leave.

Yes, she thought, lessons were learned then and now. 

She patted down the last of the soil, took a deep breath, mentally put the relationship in a bubble, and blew it away. Smiling at that and thinking her therapist would be proud, she felt relief.

Gathering her things, she made one last turn and looked at the clearing. Knowing that one day she wouldn't ever have to come back here, unless against her will. She chuckled and made her way back to the car.

--

Feeling worlds better, Lydia treated herself to a cozy diner dinner and people-watched. She loved sitting in a well-worn booth, watching the locals chat with each other, and seeing cute little families on lake vacations. Lydia hoped one day, that would be her and her little family. Fighting over which pie to share for dessert, knowing they would get both options, then head home full and content. 

With a sigh, she saw that it was getting dark and knew she had one more stop before returning to the city. She paid her bill and left a big tip for her waitress, who gave her a sassy wink on her way out. 

Lydia had about an hour in her car until she got to White Lake; happy with her time, she knew she'd be tucked in bed and watching The Nanny before midnight if all went well.

Though the burying of the keepsake was the mental cleanse she needed, she knew this last step would be what gave her that final release from the breakup. Parking her car, she looked out onto the lake, so peaceful and calm. Thinking this was the perfect way to end the day, she got out of the car, giddily opened the trunk, and looked inside. 

There he was, Tyler, dead as a doornail and missing a finger. The finger she'd cut off and buried in the box on top of the mountain. Hoisting him over her shoulder, she carried his thin frame to her hidden rowboat and, in the calm cover of darkness, rowed to the middle of the lake for her final goodbye to Tyler and their relationship.

With a long look around the lake, ensuring she wasn't sharing this intimate moment with anyone else, she tied the large cement blocks she'd brought around his limp form and tossed him quietly over the boat. 

"How's that for all-consuming?" She whispered, watching the figure sink to the bottom.

Welp, she thinks with a sigh, and rowing back to shore, another one bites the dust.