The Most Perfect Man on Earth

LOG ENTRY # 295

PLANET - EARTH

MISSION - DETERMINE IF HUMANS ARE SUITABLE FOR REPOPULATION OR EXTERMINATION.

I’ve almost reached my deadline, and the conclusion is becoming painfully obvious. Yet, I must extend this contract to its utmost capacity. After almost a year of searching, I have not found a single woman suitable for the reproduction of a hybrid species. Although, to be fair, my previous efforts trying to find a man proved even worse. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I have made myself look like the most statistically appealing man according to this species’ bizarre standards. I am polite, kind, and certainly more well-mannered than all of the men I’ve encountered. Still, I can’t wrap my head around this planet's strange system for courting. 

My roommate Devin (previously mentioned in log entry #108, deemed unsuitable for successful offspring on account of low intelligence and desire to be a “rock band drummer”), introduced me to this supposed “innovation” of human technology called “Tinder”. Apparently, it is part of the modern-day courting system used to find a potential mate. However, most of the men are holding fish in their pictures which Devin told me makes them “boring assholes”, and the women I’ve gone out with via this dating system seem to be a part of the vegan subspecies of humans (not optimal for survival). I will not trust Devin anymore for advice on romantic pursuits. 

I’m afraid I’m running out of options. I don’t want to terminate the entire population of this planet. As simple, problematic, and smelly as these people are, they managed to survive this long on their planet. Sure, they are killing their own environment rapidly with pollution and overexpansion, but they still should at least have a few more decades until their expiration date. Who am I to toss them out before then? That’s why I must keep persevering. I will prove that the human race can be capable and deserves this chance.

LOG ENTRY # 296

Just when I thought my mission seemed futile, a message was sent to me through the “entertainment” screen Devin always has on. Mostly this screen just plays out the life of this strange man called “Seinfeld'' between long stretches of capitalistic propaganda. However, this time, instead of trying to sell me a product I absolutely have no logical use for, the screen asks if I am a “handsome single man looking for love”. Seeing as I can change my appearance at will, and am seeking a suitable reproduction partner, I replied yes. The screen then gave me directions to audition for “The Most Perfect Man on Earth.” 

…

Adam Harbinger was the most perfect man on Earth. At least that’s what he auditioned for. He got the part, and now he was the star of a reality tv dating show, as any perfect man should be. His quest was to find the perfect woman. However, women, or maybe humans in general, are tricky. Being on the show for a few weeks now, Adam had narrowed down his selection to three. It was supposed to be the finale, the big decision. Adam wasn’t sure who he would choose. It was a confusing process, never being alone, always watched by cameras as beautiful women he didn’t know fought over him. It was exhausting to have to keep up this charade for the cameras, having to be charming, polite, suave, and socially competent among these strange people. Tonight would be different though. Tonight, Adam was finally promised some privacy, as he would get to interact with each contestant individually in the “Paradise Suite”. Adam didn’t understand why the crew kept winking at him as they told him this. Maybe they had a collective eye spasm. Nevertheless, he was looking forward to it. He could get to know these women behind closed doors, without the omnipresent eyes of the camera lurking around every corner. He wouldn’t reveal his big secret just yet. No. He would save that for the final girl.

The first girl he would be staying in the suite with was Bethany. She was blonde and acted dumb, but Adam could tell there was more to her under this facade. Once the door was closed, Adam sat on the bed. Bethany soon joined him. And then there was silence. A long, awkward silence that was thicker and nastier than the awful pea soup Adam was offered at lunch. They finally looked at each other, making eye contact for the first time since they stepped into the room. Bethany cleared her throat.

“You have beautiful eyes, I’ve never seen eyes so green before,” she said while leaning in close. Adam debated if this was supposed to be a kissing moment, and what he should respond with.

“Thank you,” he said. Nailed it. It was between that and, “I know”. He continued, “Your eyes look fairly average. Brown like dirt.” 

Bethany’s face soured. Oh no. Adam wondered what he’d said wrong.

“Anyways,” Bethany said, “Could I interest you in learning about and investing in cryptocurrency?”

Adam mentally crossed Bethany off the list of potential options. Now there were two. 

…

As soon as the door shut behind the next girl, she jumped at Adam and started sucking on his face. Adam hated this aggressive, slobbery, pseudo cannibalism method of courting, but he knew it was necessary in order to win a woman’s affections. And thus, he sucked back. An odd sound escaped her as he did so. Her hands were all over Adam, but he didn’t reciprocate the gesture, standing stiffly with his arms glued to his sides.  

The girl, whose name was Jessica, started to creep her hands down Adam’s torso, stopping just at his belt. 

“Do you mind if I take these off?” she asked, although she was already undoing his belt.

“I do, actually.” Adam pulled her hand away.

Jessica looked personally offended that a man wouldn’t let her immediately take off his pants. 

“It’s because you’re in love with Bethany, aren’t you? You guys had sex, I can tell.”

“You obviously can’t tell because I am not, and we did not,” Adam retorted. 

“Then it’s that bitch Maeve isn’t it?”

Adam thought about this. He and Maeve had yet to have sex, and he did not love her, but she was looking like the most appealing option out of the three. Jessica caught on to his hesitance. 

“It is her! Why the hell are you wasting my time if you’ve already decided?”

Jessica gave Adam a forceful slap to the face. If not for her repulsive attitude, Adam might have considered the evolutionary benefits of choosing someone with such great physical strength. 

“You bastard, I loved you!” Jessica cried before slamming the door, leaving Adam alone in the Paradise Suite. 

Great, now Adam just had to make it work with Maeve. Even if he didn’t, things would be okay. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, at least, not his anyway. 

…

Maeve stepped into the Paradise Suite and casually locked the door behind her. She was wearing a sleek black dress that showed off her toned, healthy figure. Adam marked her physical condition as a positive. Adam didn’t care about appearance, only genetics that could lead to a successful lineage, but he was surprised that he found her quite beautiful. She had an elegant profile and shiny hair. Her eyes were a deep emerald. 

“I am the most perfect woman on Earth,” she said, as if reading Adam’s mind. “I believe we are compatible.”

To Adam, no sweeter words had ever been said. They spent the rest of the night in the bedroom talking, exchanging ideals for their perfect partner that the other seemed to match to a tee. 

“Would you…” Maeve blushed and broke eye contact. “Would you consider copulating with me sometime in the future?”

Adam sputtered, almost spewing the wine he had been sipping on. 

“Yes, I would love to,” Adam said in between coughs, “but how far into the future would that be?” 

“However far you desire, Adam.”

Adam’s quest for a partner had seemed like an unrealistic fantasy before, but now it was closer than ever. He wasn’t going to let this chance get away from him.

…

LOG ENTRY # 322

PLANET - EARTH

MISSION - DETERMINE IF HUMANS ARE SUITABLE FOR REPOPULATION OR EXTERMINATION.

I have found her. I have found the most perfect woman. We have already had sexual intercourse, and I suspect we will repeat the process as many times as it takes to create our beautiful hybrid. She is intelligent, strong, and healthy. I am surprised by the many similarities we have. I get on better with her than any other human. This race isn’t hopeless after all. I believe that their planet should be spared, and their species combined with ours. The human-Xeeccon hybrids will grow to be an important ally in the Great Galactic Wars. We must…

“What are you doing?”

Maeve had woken up, interrupting Adam’s log writing. After the copulation, Maeve immediately dozed off to sleep, but Adam was still jittery. He had had intercourse, with a human woman. Adam never thought he would be in this situation, much less feel content with it. He had to record his success immediately 

“Journaling,” Adam said, and applauded himself for his quick thinking. He wasn’t quite ready to tell her he was an extraterrestrial yet; he would ease into it over time. 

“Wait a minute, is that a Xee-pad?!” Suddenly Maeve was awake as ever rushing over to swipe the device held in Adam’s hand before he could react. Her eyes widened with horror, then narrowed with anger as she looked at the screen.

“Did you not receive the most recent transmission? Idiot! You were sent back to planet Na’sea because you weren’t doing your job efficiently. They replaced you with me! You aren't supposed to be here!”

Adam processed this, cursing the blood rushing up to his face in this human form. Stupid human emotions. He now understood how embarrassment felt, and he wasn’t enjoying it. 

“My transmitter must have broken. I’m sorry.”

“Then what about your Xee-mail? Have you even been checking it?!”

Maeve sat down, head in her hands as she rubbed her temples, like Adam’s mere presence was giving her a brain hemorrhage. 

“I’m sorry, I was just so determined, you know… I wanted, I needed to complete this mission,” Adam tried to reason.

“It wasn’t your mission to complete.” 

Maeve stood up. Adam was surprised when she pulled him up by the wrist.

“C’mon,” she said sternly, “Let’s go home.”

“But the mission…” Adam protested. Maeve was having none of it.

“Clearly, the mission failed. The only suitable match either of us found was of our same species. The humans are not worthy, and you know it.”

Adam thought about the humans he’d met. Devin with his perverse obsession with glancing into the unsuspecting Seinfeld man’s life; Bethany with her riddles about bitcoin leading into a money laundering trap, and Jessica with her unfounded anger and delusions of love. They were useless. But did that mean they deserved to die?

“Can’t we try and convince the bureau not to terminate the species? I mean they aren’t a threat to us…”

Maeve shook her head. “Adam, what’s your Xeeccon name?”

“A’tom.”

“M’eve.” The extraterrestrial before him replied, changing her form. Skin turned to scales; proportions grew and shrank. In a matter of seconds, she looked like a Xeeccon, bigger than him and less brightly colored as females tend to be. She licked her singular emerald eye with her long blue tongue. 

“You’ve spent too long in human form A’tom. It’s starting to affect your judgment. Change back into your natural body.”

A’tom followed orders, shapeshifting into his original form. Already he felt his reluctance fade. 

“Humans are just stupid enough to accidentally be a threat to us. They must be terminated.”

A’tom nodded, pulling out his Xee-pad. M’eve hissed.

“It’s my mission, remember? Let me write it.”

NAME - M’EVE 9943

LOG ENTRY #84

PLANET - EARTH

MISSION - DETERMINE IF HUMANS ARE SUITABLE FOR REPOPULATION OR EXTERMINATION.

Together with A’TOM 2385 (who disobeyed orders and should be punished accordingly), a definitive conclusion has been made. Humans are one of the most simpleminded nonsensical creatures to ever create civilization. I hesitate to even call it civilization due to its inept construction and ineffectual nature. However, I believe this is all the more reason this species is a threat in the Great Galactic Wars. Their motivations completely lack any sort of logic or reasoning, and I believe they can be capable of mass destruction if given the tools to do so. The mission must not continue any further. 

I am calling for the total extermination of Homo sapiens.

END OF LOG.