Curtain Call

Hands clenched tight in hair, yanking it out by the root, as Ashley huddled in the driver’s seat of her cramped Chevrolet Cobalt. Her heart raced and sweat dripped down her pits and pooled in the creases of her shirt in the LA heat. Strands of auburn hair wrapped around her fingers and drifted, listless, in the draft from the rolled car window. That audition had been the absolute worst audition of her entire life. It was a miracle the director let her finish. No way she hadn’t completely bombed. 

Every single day, it was the same thing. Failure, rejection, shame —she’d tried and tried and tried until her feet blistered and her blood turned into caffeine. Ashley took every class, attended conferences, networked with everyone possible — the portfolio she built even included some lead roles in some fairly popular short films. Her socials and portfolio were good — for an ordinary person. But they were hardly noticeable among the big names of Hollywood.

Now, two years and hundreds of auditions later, Ashley lived out of her car. Living supplies spill out of every door in the cramped sedan: a bag of sundries, an electric kettle, ready made meals and cold meat cans litter the foot space in the front seat. The backseat had been transformed into a morbid, depressing bedroom. A memory foam mattress topper, a rare moment of splurging, wrapped in an old bed cover sewn to fit, invaded into the trunk proper. Bottles of water and the few cleaning supplies she could afford were stored in a box on the floor.

The rechargeable fan buzzed above her head. She didn’t have the money to fully replace the AC in her car and leaving it running overnight was a waste of gas she couldn’t afford. This month, she might not be able to afford to shower at the gym. The food in the front seat would last a week if she rationed as much as possible. Soon, Ashley would be forced to run back to mommy where her family would harp on about how she should have listened. An anxious stuttering wreck like Ashley would never make it as in actor in Indiana, let alone Hollywood!

She leaned back into the car seat, unable to hold tears back anymore. Cupped her face in her palms. Let the sobs rip from her throat in the privacy of her own car. Snot pooled in gross rivulets between her splayed fingers. I can’t do this anymore!

Ashley was going to give up. She worked herself to the bone every day sending in hundreds of auditions and running all over town and living like a pauper. Her checking sat at a measly $100 this morning and if she restocked on food to last for the next couple weeks, it would dip too low. All she had to her name was the car and everything it contained. If she didn’t find another gig soon, she’d lose the car and be forced into the numerous homeless encampments around LA. Or, she’d return to Indiana. 

Jennifer, her best friend, managed to score her a minor co-star role — Ashley had hope. A job in a feature film — a small part which put her in reels with A-list celebrities and would be played in theaters across the US. The job didn’t pay well, but it would save her from bankruptcy. Maybe she’d get lucky and a scene with one of the A-listers would score her a hit role!

As if. Ashley pulled her car out of park and headed down the busy LA streets. The steering wheel, held in a death grip, turned slick with sweat. Traffic came to a complete stop, exacerbating the scorching heat. The fuel gage sat right above the ‘E’. Would she manage to make it to work if she refilled it now? It’d be my luck to get stranded in traffic because I can’t afford gas.

Traffic moved so slow, she arrived thirty minutes late to set. “Look, Ashley, are you okay?” Jennifer said. Frustrated makeup and costume artists busied with getting Ashley into character and her friend stood to the side with concern written in every line. 

Ashley took a deep breath. “Yea. Yes. Why?”

“It’s not like you to be late.”

“I know, just traffic was a mess and I have no gas and no food—“

“Look,” Jennifer cut in, “I’m trying to be nice. But you know the others have been talking, right? You know Isabelle didn’t like you from day one.”

“Not for lack of trying.”

“You and I both know trying isn’t good enough. I put my neck on the line when I recommended you. Not to stress you out or anything, but your acting has been really bad too. Are you sure you’re fine?”

“Yes!” Ashley said. “Leave me alone.” Jennifer’s lips pulled tight in disapproval but said nothing. Hair whipped her face as she stormed off. Ashley counted in her head, down from ten. She could do this. She could. All she needed to do was believe! Confidence would stop the bubble of disdain and fear in her throat. She’d get up there and give an amazing performance!

Of course, the director took her aside. She was being cut from the cast. “What?” Ashley said. “I don’t understand! Why give me the role in the first place then?”

“I saw your previous roles and you did good. But, you have to show up to work on time Ashley. And your performances have been below sub-par. Even Jennifer said she regrets recommending you. Your co-stars told me you’ve been giving them ‘bad vibes,’ on top of everything. Frankly, I’m in agreement that you’re a bad fit.”

Crushing. Rip her heart out and throw it on the floor why don’t they. Ever since she arrived, her co-stars excluded her from every conversation and now she finds out they told the director they didn’t even want her there. “How am I supposed to find a new role on such short notice? I was counting on this paycheck to last me the next few months!”

“We promised a chunk of upfront payment in return for your work. It should give you at least a week or two to find new work.”

“But…but that’s unfair! You’ve only known me for a few days and sure, I’ve had issues with the LA traffic, but I go out of my way to try to work with everyone.”

“I know. But we decided to move Kaitlyn up to your role and terminate you. Nina said that she just works with Kaitlyn better.”

“Kaitlyn just make Nina look better. And now you’re telling me that you’re choosing an actor that can’t act over me? She’s has the expressions of a robot!”

“Enough. Look, the decision has been made. We won’t need you on set for the rest of the day and we’ll forward the payment to you, but you’re going to need to leave the studio.”

Devastation. Ashley knew despair — she’d weathered it before. Now though? It fed into depression and ran amok in her head. Years of working odd jobs bussing tables, and dealing with rowdy customers to still be on the bottom rung. College friends, meanwhile, were working in Silicon Valley making big money. Even Jennifer didn’t even defend her. What if things never get better? What if I’ll always be a loser, destined to just cry every time something doesn’t go my way?

She gets in her car. Drives away. There’s still no gas. Wherever she ends up, she needs to be able to park for a few days or risk the wrath of the cops forcing her out. She ends up parked at a local supermarket just a long walk from the library. She could sponge off a bit in the bathroom until further notice. She needed to start planning in case she lost her gym membership.

At least libraries were free. Her phone died on set so she had to borrow an actual computer and steal some electricity. She put her phone on a the charger, scanned the card at the pc to unlock it, and opened Backstage. One last audition. It had to be huge. No more applying to side roles or minor films. This would be The Audition. She scrolls through the listing debating what to play. A detective, a villain, a standard heroine? There were openings in some popular shows.

Posts, hundreds upon hundreds of listings, scrolled across the screen. She almost misses it. An audition for a guest star role — the main antagonist, Fiora, in Ashley’s favorite book series, Sea of Stars. How many hours had she spent reading and rereading enraptured by the author’s characters and world? Specifically, Fiora whose confidence leaped off the page no matter the situation. A villain who stole the show in every scene.

Ashley, more than anything, wanted to play this role. It would be her destiny or Indiana would call her home to cry in momma’s embrace. The post opens and all the details are listed. There are other characters, other roles, other positions, but she doesn’t care. All she wants is Fiora. She clicks the link and gets to see all the information: female, mid twenties to thirties, for the guest star role of Fiora. 

First audition rounds are the self-tape, videos produced by the actor applying for the role used for preliminary screenings. She pulls up the available room listings for the library and reserves. The last open slot for the week: tomorrow morning at ten. Ashley relaxed and ran her fingers through her hair; one hurdle down.

The next day, she takes up the room. A giant white tablecloth is taped to the wall and a tripod is set up. The large table is pushed to the side and the script she’s required to read is printed and neat on the table. One hour. That is the amount of time she has to film the perfect tape.

On the first shot, she stutters over the words. What-ifs bounce around her mind on the second. Retake. Retake. Then, on the final take of the hour, the last shoot, it clicks. Fiora wouldn’t think about failure — she takes what she wants. Ashely channels this into one last do-over. Words and gestures flow effortlessly and a minute after the scene ends, there is rapping on glass. A group of students idle outside and one of them points to their watch.

Ashley tears the film set up down and slides past them in embarrassment. She’d been so deep in character, she hadn’t realized time passed. How long had it been since she’d been so excited for an audition? For acting? A year? More? Full of endorphins and nervous buzzing energy she hadn’t experienced in years, it was amazing.

The library doors will close soon and she rushed to upload the tape to the video editor on her phone. Ashley spends the night hunched over her phone under the reading lamp clamped to the backseat.

The tape was ready. She held the listing up and blue light illuminated the trunk as she reclined. Her thumb hovered over the submit button; tension rose in her chest and stretched muscles taught. If she didn’t press the button, then she would never face rejection.

She paused. Today had been the most passion Ashely had for acting in forever. Passion. The entire reason Ashely had forgone a traditional career. A dream inspired by the very same series she wanted to bring to life. No, Fiora wouldn’t be afraid to submit. The button grays out and a tooltip pops up. ‘Submitted,’ the notification said.

Now came the waiting. Waiting for a callback; waiting to be told if she passed or failed. The phone was glued to her pockets. Every call, she opened it, hoped to hear her fate, only to be disappointed by spam calls and debt collectors. It rang on the second week. She passed the first round and now they wanted another round, in-person this time.

Ashley found temp work- a few commercials, some babysitting and pet-watching jobs. The goal was to stay afloat until the scheduled audition. Everyday, she built on and maintained Fiora’s persona twenty-four seven. She needed to get so deep into the character she drowned in it. 

First impressions matter. Ashley strolled into the audition room, head high and gait smooth. Her outfit is simple, befitting Fiora, whose charm entirely comes from charisma and performance. The character is confident — Ashley — is confident. For once in her entire life, she would ignore everything. The world outside didn’t exist. All that mattered was the persona in her head and the camera taping her audition. 

The judges handed her props and she nails every scene with ease. Fiora’s strength of will gets channeled into every movement, every word, with ruthless pragmatism when she performs the scene from a key turning point in the first novel: the moment where Fiora’s political ambitions crumble. The actor they bring on is no longer an actor but a collaborator.

No more crying. No more hiding. This is Ashley’s turning point. She leaves the audition and when night fell, sleep evaded her. She tossed and turned and the next morning she served coffee with a stupid, tooth-filled grin. A week later, her phone rang once more. A final response: “We would like to offer you the role.”

Ashley held in her scream, accepted, and puked all over the front seat of her sedan. Even the disgust and sour, putrid stench couldn’t damper her elation. The biggest role of Ashley’s entire life — a guest role with multiple seasons and a character arc — was hers!

The first thing Ashely got to do was meet the author and discuss Fiora with them in-depth.

A year later, she bought a house and founded a small business. No longer did she worry about people breaking the windows on her car while she slept. And as the show exploded in public consciousness, critics raved over her performance as Fiora. She got to meet celebrities, make connections, and when this series ended, Ashley had brand recognition. She made it.

Ashley eventually made up with Jennifer. Getting removed from a flopped film turned out to be the best outcome. And, admittedly, Ashley felt a bit of vindication and dark satisfaction when Kaitlyn popped up on set as an extra with a failed film the only credit to her name. When the finale aired years later, Ashely walked on to the set and envy twisted in Kaitlyn’s eyes. All cameras were on Ashley as her co-star, her love, greeted her with a sappy smile. To think, she almost gave up.