If You Love Me

"There's no way we can make it through after all that you've done," I said as tears filled my eyes.

“Lydia, please,” his voice cracked as he spoke, tears brimming his eyes. “Don’t do this.”

With a strangled cry, I snapped at him, “I’m not the one doing this! This,” I motioned between the two of us, “is all your fault. If you had any ounce of self-control, we would still be happy and okay.”

Tears fell down his cheeks as he whispered, “I don’t wanna lose you.”

I angrily wiped the tears from my eyes as I coldly said, “It’s too late, Elias. You lost me the moment you decided to….to do what you did.”

He nodded as he tucked his hands in his pockets. In a strangled voice, he said, “I understand.”

My chin quivered as another wave of emotions hit me. “I just…. I…. I don’t understand. How could…. how could you—” I began sobbing over the rest of my sentence.

I felt his strong arms wrap around me, and I could hear his steady heartbeat. I gripped his shirt and asked, “How can your heart be so calm when mine is beating so fast?”

He pressed a kiss into my hair, atop my head, and he gently rubbed my back. “I’m not normal, Lydia. I don’t react to things the same way you do. I thought that a girl as smart as you would have figured that out by now.”

Anger filled me once again, and I pushed him away. “So, what? This is my fault? It’s my fault for not catching on sooner?”

Elias sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose. “That’s not what I meant.”

I crossed my arms and distanced myself from him. “That’s what it sounded like.”

He sighed once again and let his arms drop to his sides. “Can we please not fight? I just…. I want to spend what little time I have with you in a…. an agreeable manor.”

“Agreeable? After what you did, you want me to be ‘agreeable’?!” I grabbed a glass off the counter beside me and threw it at him. He managed to move out of the way, and the glass shattered against the wall behind him.

“Lydia, please calm down,” he begged with his hands outstretched between us.

“Calm? You want me calm? How am I supposed to be calm about any of this?!” I grabbed another glass, ready to throw it at him, but he wrapped his hand around my wrist and removed the glass from my grasp.

“Lydia, I know that I’m asking a lot of you. I know you don’t understand the things that I’ve done or why I’ve done them. I don’t think there’s anyone in this world who could understand. I wish I could be different. I tried so hard to be different. To be different for you. But I couldn’t.” He let my wrist slip out of his grasp, and he tucked his hand into his pocket. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the man you wanted—needed—me to be. You deserve to be with someone who can be everything that you deserve to have.”

Huffing out an angry sigh, I looked him in the eyes and said, “Elias, do you think this fixes anything? None of what you said is going to change my mind. I cannot believe I fell for your smooth talking, your charm. You are a despicable person, and you will get what you deserve.”

“I understand. I don’t like it, but I understand. I wish….” He sighed with tears slipping down his cheeks once again. “I wish things could be different.”

I huffed and rolled my eyes. “You’re a liar.”

He nodded and sadly said, “That I am.” We were quiet for a moment before he spoke again, “But I never lied about how I felt about you. I lied about a lot of things, but never about you. I really do love you, Lydia.”

My chest tightened as he looked into my eyes, tears still flowing. I shook away the doubt that was beginning to cloud my mind. I chuckled darkly and looked away from him. I swallowed and said, “You don’t love me. You never did.” I looked back at him with a stern, cold expression. “You don’t know how to love. You’re incapable of it. If you were, you never would have done those things.”

Elias exhaled slowly, wiping his eyes, and nodding. In a strained voice, he said, “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I can’t love, but I know that I’ve never had these feelings about anyone else in all of my life. I just wish I could show you just how deeply I feel for you.”

“You should have thought about that before doing what you did.”

Elias looked at the ground. “You must really hate me now. You can’t even bring yourself to say what it is I’ve done.” He looked back up into my eyes. “What makes you think that I won’t do the same to you, now that you’ve rejected me.”

A small tremor flowed through my hands at the thought of what he said. Shakily, I said, “You wouldn’t. Not if you want to somehow convince both yourself and me that you ever had feelings for me. If you did, it would just further my point that you never really loved me.”

“Or would that act prove that I truly do love you, and that I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

I backed away from him. “You wouldn’t have time to.”

He chuckled dryly, “Yeah? Why’s that?”

Stepping further away from him as he stepped closer, I wiped my sweating palms on the sides of my pants. “Because the police will be here.”

He stopped, fear flashing across his face. “Why would the police be here?”

I nervously stepped further away from him, avoiding eye contact with him.

“Lydia,” he growled, “Why would the police come here?”

I could hear the faint sound of sirens. I brought my focus to him. “Because I called them.”

Elias growled and kicked the wall. He began yelling, “Why would you do that?! Why, Lydia?!”

Moving further away from him, I yelled back, “Because you killed someone, Elias! Who in their right mind wouldn’t call the police?!”

“I trusted you, Lydia!” he yelled.

“That’s rich coming from you,” I scoffed. “You not only have been lying to me our entire relationship, but you also killed someone in our home. You betrayed my trust, and you’re upset that I did the right thing.”

“I’ll go to jail,” he growled. Although he acted angry, I could see the fear that was beginning to cloud his eyes.

“If you ever loved me…. No, if you want to prove to me that you actually care about me, in any way, you’ll stay here and go with the police.”

The sirens were much closer now.

“If I stay, will you come see me? Will you write to me?”

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I looked into his eyes as I whimpered, “Yes.” I cleared my throat. “Yes, I’ll come see you and write to you. Just stay here and go with the police.”

Elias exhaled a shaky breath. “Okay,” he said, calmly. “Okay, I’ll go with them. I’ll do it…. for you.”

And he did. Elias stayed and willingly went with the police. I did not keep my promise to go see him and write to him. He does write letters to me, every day. I read the letters and keep them, but I have moved on from Elias. He was—and still is—troubled. There are days I consider writing back or going to visit him, but I just can’t bring myself to do so. Now I feel it’s been too long. Maybe one day I’ll meet Elias again.