My Monster, My Demon

Trigger warning: Mental Health, mild violence or inference to violence.

The pounding rain outside my window soothes my mind. I kneel on the floor, rag in hand, and clean the bloody mess before me. 

The rhythmic splattering on cement outside washes away the constant urgency that threatens to engulf me. The smell of its freshness mixed with the smell of the bleach clears my mind.  I embrace each second, taking careful attention to scrub every inch of this white tile floor. 

I never used to like the rain. Yet, its darkness and chill are the same reasons I like it now. My job is easier in the cool air and the darkness outside hides me from prying eyes. 

If only it could hide me from them. The ones who see through the darkness. The ones who live with me all the time. 

It never used to be this way. There was a time when I had goals and dreams. I was a well educated young woman. Stories of monsters under the bed, skeletons in the closet, and battles with demons were merely stories. I was never religious. I believed good and evil were simply words to describe a person. I don't think religion can save me from this. 

The monster that lives under my bed is real. His name is Belizar. The skeletons in my closet are real too, although I am not sure who they belong to. And my demon is one I battle constantly. His name is Bibbuch and he has a tight grip on my soul. 

I wipe away the last of the blood from the floor and throw the red-stained rags in the garbage. The rain is letting up and the urgency is returning. 

I hear a noise from the bedroom. Belizar has finished too. The bed creaks as he crawls back under it. 

 It is now my turn to climb into bed. I force myself to relax with a sigh. 

"I know you must feed, my friend, but do you always have to make such a mess?"

His bestial snort is his only reply. He never talks to me anymore. Not like he used to. Not since Bibbuch moved in. I lay my head on my pillow and try to fall asleep, but the acrid aroma of sulfuric flesh enters my room. 

"You know he can't." The shrill voice of Bibbuch fills my dark room. He perches his vile little body on the foot of my bed. "He's a beast."

"You're a beast, Bibbuch, now let me sleep."

"Why do you let him do this to you? When do I get to have my appetite satiated?"

"You already have my soul, what more do you want?"

"The damnation of the entire human race will suffice.”

"Bibbuch, leave me alone. I need to sleep."

His hoofed feet hit the hardwood floor, and I hear him clop down the hall and I drift off to sleep. 

The blood-curdling scream of my neighbour wakes me before my alarm. The urgency returns as I look out the window.  I disposed of those last night. I know I did. I locked all four limbs in the bin. What are they doing on Mrs. Baker's lawn?

The neighbourhood fills with the sounds of police sirens. My chest hurts from the stress. You little beast!  "Bibbuch, you did this. Where are you, you greasy little cretin?"

The bones rattle in the closet as I stomp by, looking for that ugly demon. He is nowhere in sight.  

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Who the? I open the door slowly, peeking out through a small crack. The officer's badge catches the morning sun. It blinds me a moment. “Hello?”

"Ma'am, can I please ask you some questions?

“Okay.” I open the door and let him in the foyer.

“Ma’am, were you home last night?"

"Yes, why?"

"Sorry, Ma'am, there was an incident across the street last night. Did you happen to hear or see anything unusual?"

Other than my monster and my demon? "No, I didn't. The rain last night was pretty loud." 

"All right. Is there anyone else home?" 

Just a monster and some old bones. "No, I live alone.” 

"Okay, thank you."

A movement across the street catches my eye. "Jeez, NO!"

"Ma"am?"

“Sorry, my...pet. I just saw him in the neighbours hedge." 

"Cat or dog?"

"Dog," I reply. Definitely a dog-faced demon.

"I didn't see anything."

"He's...he's a quick little cretin."

"Okay. Well, please stay inside while we investigate. And lock your door. If we find your dog we will bring him over."

“Thank you, officer. I’m sure he will find his way home. He always does."

"Oh, and if you remember hearing or seeing anything last night, no matter how small, please call us,” he says handing me a card.

"I will." I see the small thing now.

I close the door and sweat drips down my spine. My palms are sticky. I run to my front window. That little beast sits there in the yard, in plain view, looking at me. No one even notices him. 

I pace my hallway. Every time I pass the closet, the bones rattle. He's going to get me locked up. 

"Damn it, Belizar, why do you have to leave pieces when you eat?"

Belizar continues to snore under my bed. 

I go back to the window and look out right when the officer is looking up at the house. He turns and says something…to Bibbuch? No, he isn't talking to the demon. Is he? Don’t tell anyone. Please, you little demon. Don't you dare!

The officer looks back at the house. He points at me. He's coming back. Damn. Stay calm. 

Knock. Knock. Knock.

I open the door. My heart is pounding; my ears are ringing. Breathe. He doesn’t know anything.

"Ma'am, sorry to bother you again. We found some bloodied rags in your garbage can."

"My garbage?" Don't overdo it! Stay calm.

"Yes. Did you throw out any rags ma'am?"

"No. I haven't been bleeding." Why did I say that? Stupid.

"It is possible that whoever did this merely picked a random garbage can to throw the rags in."

"That would be the most logical explanation." Oh my god, just stop with the stupid comments. 

Belizar snores loudly. I look down the hall. 

"Ma'am? Are you sure you are here alone?" The officer looks past me into my living room. His eyes searching every corner.

"Yes." 

He waves some officers over. "There is no one else here?" he says slowly, enunciating each word, like he’s talking to a child.

"No. I'm all alone." In this hellish nightmare. 

"May we please come in and search? In case someone else is here."

Damn it.  "Uhm...okay...sure. But you won't find anyone else." Except the giant dust bunny under the bed, and the skeletons in the closet. 

The three other officers enter the house and begin searching every nook and cranny. 

I feel hot. 

They make their way down the hall. 

I begin to follow, but the officer beside me stops me. "Please stay with me. Let them do their job." 

"Sorry, it's just...I’m a bit of a neat freak and don't like people in my space."

"Understandable; however, it's for your own safety. It won't be long."

I watch as they open the cupboards and closets. They make their way to the hall closet. I feel my body tense as one officer takes hold of the doorknob and slowly pulls it open. 

Don’t fall out. Please don’t fall out. 

"All clear," he says, closing the door. They continue slowly toward my bedroom. 

I release my breath, and inhale deeply to relax. The odour of rotting flesh and sweaty skin invades my nostrils. "What is that rancid smell?" 

"I don't smell anything other than bleach and lemon cleaner," the officer says.

“Must be the neighbour’s garbage.” There you are! I see you slinking behind the couch.

The officer is looking at me with a strange expression. I feign a nervous smile. 

The three officers searching the house go into my bedroom and bathroom. Please don’t see him. Please don’t see him.

They emerge from my room, guns holstered, and come back down the hall. “All clear, sir. Not even a dust bunny under the bed.” the officer chuckles. 

“Thank you, Ma’am.”

“Thank you, officers. Happy to know my house is safe.” 

I close the door and lock it.  I turn around and Bibbuch is sitting on the couch. “You nasty little beast. How dare you do that to me,” I hiss at it.

“The look on your face was so entertaining.” Bibbuch cackles. 

“You may have my soul, but I am not here for your entertainment!”

“Of course you are. And don’t you forget it. I can do as I please. That hairball is going to get you locked up.”

“You are going to get me locked up. Belizar and I did just fine before you came along.”

“If he gets you locked up, who will do his bidding?”

“If I do get locked up, they will drug me up, and you won’t be able to exist outside of me. You will be locked inside my brain forever.”

The little cretin was silent, looking at me, clearly taken aback.

“Who has the power now, you smelly little beast? Do something like that again, and I will let them lock me up.”

“And again, what of the hairball?”

“Belizar will be fine. He will find someone else's bed to live under. How will you manage, locked in my brain, no freedom to cause chaos to others?”

I begin to feel the weight lift. I have been carrying it since he arrived. He is no longer in control.

“Maybe I will call those police officers back and confess it all. Not just the limbs on Mrs. Baker's lawn, all the limbs locked in the basement freezer.” 

“You wouldn’t?”

“I would. And I will if it means you can’t run a muck.”

“You won’t risk losing your freedom.”

“What freedom, Bibbuch? You have made sure my freedom is within these four walls. Belizar has made sure my only job is to clean up his messes. I am tired of the monster under my bed. I am tired of the bones rattling in the closet. And I am tired of a vile, stinky little beast trying to control my life.”

In an instant, I wave frantically to the officers through my front window. I run for the door, and Bibbuch grabs my ankle. His claws hurt, but I know I have to do this. I unlock the door and open it to my new found freedom, falling to the floor. 

The officer runs up on the porch. I lay on the floor and try to kick Bibbuch off of me. The officer looks at me with concern. 

“I want to confess.” I grunt through the pain.  “They are in the basement. In the freezer.”

“Who is? Are you okay? Why are you squirming on the floor?”

“Don’t you see him?” I yell. 

“Who? There isn’t anyone there? Have you taken any drugs?”

Bibbuch sinks his teeth into my leg. I scream as the pain shoots up my calf to my thigh. 

“Hey! Stop! Don’t do that! Quit gouging your leg,” the officer says, trying to pry my hand from Bibbuch’s throat. 

“We are going to need a bus at 349 Maple. Psychiatric unit as well.” The officer says into his radio. 

****

The white walls of my room are too bright. They won't turn out the lights. I prefer darkness. I crave the sound of rain. The only comfort of this room is the smell of bleach.

 Bibbuch doesn’t like the drugs they give me. He won’t talk to me anymore. I know he’s still there. I feel him writhing under my skin. 

I have been thinking a lot about Belizar. I wonder if he has found a new bed to live under; a new girl to clean up his messes in exchange for protection from the things that go bump in the night. This room is so lonely. I miss him. I miss them. My monster, my demon.