Destiny's Wings

It was time to try my wings! My senior years at school were finished and I thank God I graduated with a diploma in Commercial Art and Basic Design. The only thing that felt conflicting to my feelings of enthusiasm about leaving home was mine, Mother. I knew if I told her of my plans to search for a job and find my own apartment she would argue with me and threaten my surge for a free flight with her wing-clipping emotional blackmail. I could hear our conversation already as though it was happening in the now and my heart sank momentarily fearing my very hopes to start a new life of my own might be dashed. 

I took a moment to gather myself from slipping away into discouragement. I held within me a clear and concise remembrance of the many years of struggling to keep and stay sane, even alive because at times I felt like I was hanging by a thread. As I reflected upon the many disturbing and unsettling experiences I had with my family members, they were my best reminder to cause me to stay determined to find my escape from the abusive home life where I lived in constant fight and flight. 

I was only a block away from the back door of our home. I quickly strategized my entrance. "I'll have to act nonchalant, like it was another ordinary day," I planned. When I stepped onto the porch, I didn't see my Mother's shoes. My heart raced a little as I immediately felt my desire to escape rise up into my chest like an eager steamship anticipating its departure from the port! I heard the blast of the horn, the call, and I saw the anchors being lifted and the ropes holding the steamship being released. 

"This is it," I said with great acclamation! My next steps became strides. I grabbed a black plastic garbage bag from under the kitchen sink and darted up the stairs into my bedroom. I opened my dresser drawers and closets successively one after the other and grabbed a few necessities and my bible. "I'll have to come back for the rest later," I mused awkwardly. 

By the time I reached the porch again and sat down to put on my shoes I was shaking like a leaf! I felt my heart pounding up into my throat and then this tear-wrenching moment made me go placid long enough to say goodbye to my family members. I threw the black bag filled with my belongings over my shoulder, stepped outside, shut the door, and locked it behind me. 

I walked straight ahead with imaginary blinders on each side of my eyes to keep me focused on my destiny. I let the last of the steam be released and then I felt like I had met up with cruise control and I could feel the wind within my wings! I closed my eyes and envisioned myself as a great eagle who has spread its wings wide and mounted up to fly into the vast unknowable sky. 

I opened my eyes again, just in time to catch the bus going downtown. My bus change clanged as I threw it into the coin dispenser. The bus driver nodded with a smile and said, "Thank you," I smiled back and then headed towards a window seat. As I sat down, I felt a tug to look back, but I forced myself to look forward. I was feeling that freedom I had so longed for and I was not going to let go of it, no, not even trade it in momentarily for the false sentiment.

I was brought up to think that I was always supposed to know what to do. Frankly, it was confusing. Now, I was doing what I felt I am not supposed to do, and it felt so good and right. I did not have a care, nor did I feel afraid, like I was at home, walking on eggshells all the time! I let myself go and squirmed in my seat to get comfortable with the ride. 

The bus breaks screeched as it stopped at my destination point. I had taken this route before when I went job hunting and found my new apartment, a hop, skip, and a jump away from my new workplace. I got excited and raced to the bus doors and with a leap, I was on the sidewalk heading towards my desired haven. I walked up the stairs, took the keys out of my skirt pocket, and slowly and deliberately turned the key to open the front door. There on the right was the staircase that led to my room, my place, my home, and my sanctuary. I breathed comfortably at the revelation that had escorted me here today.

The door was slightly ajar, and as I caught a whiff of the freshness, I understood that the caretaker had spent time to clean everything up for my arrival. I set my bag on the bed and felt thankful that the bed was made up with clean linen sheets and wool blankets. I explored the rest of the apartment noticing how shiny the floor was waxed and polished. In the kitchen I saw a pot on the stove burner and feeling it was time for me to eat, I pulled out the can of Ravioli I had brought along and indulged in making my first meal. 

The day was dawning as I stood feeling contented, stirring and pouring my first meal in my new home into a bowl. All that I needed was at hand. My heart calmed within me and my mind relaxed. As I ate I looked out of the kitchen window. It was quiet. The sun was setting and before I knew it, I was laying in my cozy bed and fell into a deep and restful sleep. 

I woke up to the sunshine lighting up my bedroom. I lay surrendered in the sheets and blankets, soaking in the warmth of the sun’s rays. It was Saturday, and I felt invigorated to explore my new location. I took a shower and dressed. The steps creaked as I walked down them. The front door was open wide as though to welcome the new day. I stood for a moment looking up the street from left to right to get acquainted with what was out there. I wondered where the nearest grocery store might be. With a little prayer in my heart, I decided to take a leap of faith and let God lead and guide me. I walked with a slow and casual gait as I breathed in the cool and refreshing morning air.  

The neighborhood houses looked totally vintage with white picket fences and the oddest combinations of pastel colors. I heard the busy downtown traffic nearby and suddenly found myself on the same street where I had applied for a position at Belle Sign Company, where I would begin to work on Monday. I stopped and curiously looked into the front window. I felt elated, and repeatedly read the name of the sign company lettered on the window to myself, as though I wanted to imprint this stupendous moment in my memory bank, forever. As people passed me by some said, “hello.” while others said, “good morning,” and I responded likewise in return. From here, I knew how to get to the core downtown area, where there were department stores. Immediately, I could smell the coffee and headed for the Bay. Downstairs, I bought my groceries and then went to the restaurant for a cup of coffee. 

As I sipped, I watched and listened to the bustling conversations of the other customers. I heard the babbling of babies and the banging of their hands on the highchair tables. Shopping bags were placed randomly all around where they were seated, and the busboys and girls busily attended to cleaning and resetting the tables and booths. I could almost swear that this was the best cup of coffee and time that I have ever had in a social setting. I had usually been with a family member who smothered me with glaring criticisms that caused me to lose my appetite and enjoyment of human company. Now, for the first time in my life, I was feeling energized by the freedom I felt, and I saw in the other customer's mannerisms. I observed people showing and speaking to one another in loving and respectful ways. I sat still, taking it all in, and let those positive impressions seep under my skin and etch into my blinded eyes. I wanted the new to replace the old and then and there, I knew that I could not return to live in the old familiar family home.