LONELY

Nobody ever said being at the top was the loneliness job in the world. Nobody ever said being famous was cutthroat and ruthless. Fame kicked me in the butt. It used to be fun and glamorous but not anymore. I use to have fun but that time is no more.

I worked hard to get to where I am. I poured all my heart into my work. Blood, sweat and tears, I gave it all. Now I question if everything I gave is worth it. I lost so much time making it to the top. All I want to do now is return to a normal life.

My friends and family are gone. No, they are not dead. They are not in my life anymore. I cut them out of my life because I didn't need them anymore. I miss them more than ever.

You know, I don't even know the reason why I cut my family and friends out of my life. There were there one day and gone the next. This is my doing. I want to make it right with them before it's too late.

I began writing music when I was just nine years old. I loved it. I loved turning words into something magical. I smiled whenever I wrote. I don't do that anymore. Now writing music is a chore not my passion.

Writing music wasn't just my passion. It was my everything. Day and night, I would stay up late and write. I wrote about everything but writing music was my true calling. I has my piano and my notebook with me, the words float in my mind then on to the paper.

I told my mother one day I'm going to be famous. My mother smiled at me and told me "Emerson, your dreams can be full filled with hard work and the people you love." I just didn't know years later I would question everything I worked for and pay the ultimate price.

I got the hardworking part down and I left out the people I love. Looking back on those days when I wrote music for fun was one of the best times of my life. I was surrounded by the people I loved the most.

These days I'm surrounded by shallow, unassuming people who care nothing about others expect themselves. I use to believe fame was glamorous filled with glamorous stars. I was totally sucked into that world and lifestyle. Is this lifestyle worth it now?

The day I sold my first song was the day my life changed forever. I sold my first song when I was eighteen. As you can image, I was on dream street. I never could have imagined what would happen next. My song sky rocketed to No.1 on the charts. "7 years" sung by chart topping platinum artist Sasha was No.1 for an entire year.

My parents and my friends were excited for me but at the same time I saw the worry in their eyes. Me being young, I didn't care about that. I didn't care about anything. I was No. 1. My song was No.1 and I got to write more and more songs for Sasha. I was getting lost in the fame.

All my songs I wrote for Sasha were No.1 hits, top charting hits. I was in demand. Many artist wanted me to write songs for them. I can't even count how many hits I wrote.

I was lost in my work that I didn't have time to spend birthdays, holidays, any special event with my family and friends. I brushed them off every chance I got. I never cared if I spent time with my family and friends.

I was busy traveling all over the world, mingling with the rich and famous. I never got the tired of the lifestyle. My dream came true and I wasn't going to let anyone get in my way. I was making millions of dollars with each song I wrote and I wasn't going to stop for no one.

What really tore my family apart was the day my grandmother passed away. My mother called me up. I didn't answer. She left me a message telling me Nana passed away and the date and time of the funeral. I listened to the message but I didn't care. I had an album release party to go to. I wrote Sasha's entire album and that was important to me.

The worst part of it all was that I was really close to my grandmother. She believed in me and my dreams. I didn't even say goodbye to her. I was consumed with myself and my fame. My mother didn't call me back. My grandfather did. As usual I didn't answer. He left me a message. One that I kept with me to this very day. This is the day when I wanted to leave it all behind.

"Emerson, you are a selfish person who only thinks about herself and not the people around you. Nana died believing in you and your dream. Every day she asked for you. She so badly wanted to see you that she fought every day until she couldn't fight no more. Her dying wish was to see you. We called and called until finally we gave up. We gave up you because you gave up on us. We didn't tell Nana we gave up on you. We simply told her you were busy. The family was heartbroken when you didn't come to the funeral. I hope whatever you had going on was more important than your own family. You lost us Emerson. Don't bother coming home. You are not welcome here anymore."

That message is seven years old. I haven't seen or spoken to my family in seven years. When,. I first heard the message, I didn't give one thought about what my grandfather said about me or the fact he kicked me out of the family.

I care now. Seven years later, I miss my family. I miss them a lot. I regret everything I did to them. I missed out on a lot. Every day I look at Instagram or Facebook and see pictures of my family and friends.

My sister got married. I missed it. I did not even get an invitation, that was to be expected. My sister and her husband have three kids. A boy and two girls. They look beautiful. I wish I can meet them, play with them, hug them but I can't. The same goes for my brother. He's married with three kids of his own, all girls.

I see these amazing pictures of these beautiful people and I wish I could be in the pictures. I wish I can hug my mother and tell her how very sorry I am and that I love her. This is all my doing. I caused this to happen. I'm like these famous people who only care about making money.

I can't believe I let it get this far. My dreams came true but at what price. Everything I worked for took me to the top. In the end I lost everything and everyone I love.

My self-respect. My self-worth is gone. I lost the respect of my family and friends. I even lost respect for myself. My life has become sad. It's just not worth it anymore.

The last picture I'm looking at is my best friend Sky in her wedding dress. She looks so beautiful. Ever since we were kids me and Sky promised each other we be maids of honor in each others wedding. I broke that promise. Sky is one of many people I let down.

I close my laptop in tears. I can't look at these pictures anymore. I can't live this life anymore. My time at the top is ending. No more hit songs. No more making money. I've done this far too long and it cost me a lot.

Before I can reconcile with my family, I have one stop to make. There is a song writers showcase at the Starlight Room where I'm going to sing my new song "A Promise For Tomorrow."

I arrive at the Starlight Room. I'm the first to perform. I set up my piano, hook my phone to my tablet and set to record my performance. I nervously wait in the back. I hope once I upload my performance my family watches. My name is called. I walk to the stage with my head held high. I get behind my piano and begin to sing.

The words flow easily through me and out into the audience. With every beat, every word, I sing tears flow down my face. This song is not just for me but for the people I hurt, love and miss.

I finish my song to a standing ovation. I thank everyone and leave the stage. As I'm putting my piano, phone and tablet away, I get a message from my manager saying Sasha wants to buy my song 'A Promise For Tomorrow." I send my manager a message telling him this song is not for sale.

After my performance I immediately leave Los Angeles, hop on a bus to Edgemont. I hope for nothing when I return home. What can I hope for? That somehow after seven years my family and friends are going to forgive me.

I hope I can speak with my mom, reconcile with her first, then maybe the rest of my family. There is one stop I have to make first, the Edgemont Cemetery.

The bus arrives at Edgemont early the next morning. I get off the bus and walk to the cemetery. Wow, Edgemont hasn't changes at all. It's just the way I remembered.

I arrive at the cemetery and look for my grandmother's grave. I found the grave. I begin to cry. I kneel down. I tell my grandmother "Nana, I'm so sorry for not coming to see you. I'm so sorry for not seeing you during your last days. I'm so sorry for what I did to the family and my friends. I'm so sorry for not coming to your funeral and saying goodbye. I'm so sorry for what my life has become. I love you and miss you so very much."

I stay at my Nana's grave for a while longer. "Emerson." I turn around and see my mother. "Hi mom." I back away trying to leave. My mother stops me. "I heard what you said. Nana would have been happy to see you. She loved you so very much Em. I love you. I never stopping loving you. Come here."

I run to my mother's arms crying. I tell her I'm sorry for what I've done. I also tell her I'm done being the person I was. I want to be a new Emerson and it starts right now.