TEN DAYS OF SILENCE

Mum drove me to the Meditation Camp. She had done this course before and thought it would do me good considering my life circumstances. Before leaving she said, "Just remember if I managed to do it, you can do it as well." She kissed me goodbye and left. I looked around, the purpose-built center was surrounded by native bush. It looked like a very peaceful place, but I was feeling very nervous. Would I be able to cope with ten days of silence?

That night for dinner they gave us lentil soup with bread. This would be our last evening meal until the last day. All the terms and conditions were very well explained before signing into this course. We were only meant to receive two meals a day. Breakfast at 6:30 am and lunch at 11:30. Instead of dinner we could have fruit and herbal tea at 5:00 pm. Getting used to these new and strict meal times was the first challenge. I'm going to be starving, I thought.

We were given a fixed place to sit while having our meals. My place was in front of a window with a view of the trees next to a Chinese girl, called Qi. She travelled from Singapore to Auckland to take part in this course. The poor thing had to sit in front of a wall.

"I got a window and you got a wall," I said cheekily and we both chuckled. It was the last laugh before becoming silent.

There were nearly seventy students at the center, mostly women. Men and women were separated even if they were married. Qi had come with her husband but she was not meant to talk to him during the duration of the course. From day one we were expected to meditate ten hours a day and practice "Noble Silence" that is, silence of the mind, no speech, and stillness. Would I be able to cope with this? I wondered. I didn't have any meditation experience, apart from lying down on my mat for ten minutes after a yoga session. The doubts about whether I could cope with this challenge were replacing the sadness I had after Tim called the wedding off.

After dinner, I settled into my room. Each one of us had a single room. That was good. The room was tiny but functional. It had a single bed, a window, a table, and only enough room to place your belongings on the carpet. I felt grateful for having a window with a view of the forest. Cabbage trees, nikau palms, and ferns formed a lovely canopy to look at. The bathrooms and showers were in a separate building for us to share. My heart ached at the thought of Tim. What would he be doing right now? I sighed… After five years together, I was finding it hard to conceive of being single again. A tear rolled down my cheek. Where did I go wrong?

I looked at my alarm clock. It was nine-thirty pm. We were meant to turn the lights off and go to bed early to be up for our first meditation at 4:30 am. I tried to fall asleep but couldn't. I was not used to going to bed this early. The walls of our cabins were thin like paper and I could hear the woman next door snoring. Dammit! I didn't bring earplugs. I wanted to listen to a 'fall asleep app' but I had no phone any more. We weren't allowed our phones, reading, or any writing material. I practiced some yoga breathing to calm myself down. I breathed to the count of six, held my breath to the count of four, and exhaled to the count of six. After a while, I fell asleep…

A few hours later, at 4:30 am. I heard some very loud bells. Ding, dong, ding, dong. Oh no, this is so early; I'm still tired, I thought. I got up and followed the other girls like a sleepy sheep into the meditation hall. The lights were dimmed in the hall. I found the mat with my name on it. I looked for some cushions and sat down. Each one of us has a fixed place. Men sat at one side of the hall and women at the other side. There was a podium at the front where the teachers sat. There was a male teacher for the men and a female teacher for the women. We heard a recording on how to meditate. We were there to learn Buddha's meditation technique. I felt sleepy. I didn't think I could remain still for an entire hour.

I listened to the instructions and focused on my breath. I followed the air coming in and out of my nose. Thoughts kept popping in but I was supposed to ignore them. I had a vision of myself returning the unused wedding dress to the shop. This was so embarrassing. I sighed so loud that I thought everyone heard me. The pain in my body was replacing the pain in my heart. My hips and ankles hurt. After fifteen minutes I already felt the need to adjust my position. Oh my God, will I be able to put up with a hundred hours of this? I wondered. I moved my right leg slowly so as not to disturb the person sitting next to me. I felt better and focused on my nose again as instructed.

I was the first one standing in front of the restaurant. I like all types of food including meat. That was another challenge, as the camp was vegetarian. "Ding, dong, ding, dong," the bell rang again. I noticed the younger girls trotting like foals, rushing at the smell of food. No one wanted to miss out as there were only two meals a day. There was porridge, roasted apples, bananas, bread, jam, margarine, tea and coffee. Yum!

After breakfast, I rushed to the toilet. Ughh… Tommy troubles again. I've been having bowel issues since my fiancée left me. I had a quick shower. We were only allowed three-minute showers. Gee, there were so many rules.

I went back to my room and checked the schedule for the day. Five hours a day of compulsory meditations in the hall and the other five meditations could be done in the hall or your room. I chose to meditate on my bed sometimes to give my joints a break.

Lunch was good. On our first day, we had white beans in tomato sauce, rice, and salad. After lunch, we had free time to go for a short bushwalk. This was beautiful and refreshing. We were only allowed to walk in a small area, so I ended up going in circles several times to let out some of my nervous energy. We weren't allowed to smile or look at the other students in the face. Each one of us was there to look inward only. The only form of exercise permitted was walking. This was far from being a fun retreat, it was very strict. Pure inner work.

In the evening, they gave us a talk about Buddhist Philosophy. "Life is suffering," said the Buddha. By practicing meditation, the Buddha learned to alleviate suffering and become enlightened. This first talk woke up my curiosity and made me want to learn more about Buddhism. I was suffering. I still couldn't accept that my five-year relationship had ended.

At the end of the day, I was so tired I didn't hear my neighbor snoring. I decided to skip the 4:30 am meditation that night and sleep in until breakfast to recover my energy and be able to cope with the entire course. "You can't quit," said my Mum to me. "I'm going on a holiday and will be back to pick you up at the end of the course." My Mum did this course after she became a widow and said it helped her find some ground under her feet again.

During the first three days, all we did during our meditation was focus on the sensations around our nose. I began feeling tingling and other subtle sensations and was wondering if I was on the right path. I still had inner monologues though. Maybe I scared him away when I said that I wanted to have three children, I thought. I decided to have a brief chat with my teacher about my worries. We were able to schedule a ten-minute interview with the teacher after lunchtime.

My appointment was at 2 pm. Claudia, the teacher, a mature lady was sitting cross-legged on top of a cushion on a podium in a small meeting room. She looked like a Goddess dressed comfortably in loose pants and a linen blouse. I could see a glow around her. I greeted her and sat on the mat at a lower level.

"Good afternoon, Claudia, my name is Lisa."

"Good afternoon, Lisa, how can I help you?"

"I have been feeling a tingling sensation around my nose, is that what we are meant to feel?"

"Everyone's experience is different but tingling is a common sensation, yes." She reassured me.

"I keep getting thoughts about a personal issue. Can I tell you about it?"

"Oh no, no. Don't tell me. It's normal to have recurring thoughts, especially when you are new to meditation. Keep focusing on the sensations around your nose, and in time you will see how the thoughts will be less frequent."

I bet that's the standard answer she gives to everyone, I thought. I thanked her, folded my hands in prayer position in front of my chest, said "Namaste," and left as other people were waiting.

My Mum was right when she said "The first three days are the hardest." Getting used to the meal times, the harsh discipline, and the tough schedule was hard. Besides, having Tim on my mind and not having anyone to talk about it was hard. But once I accepted this, I learned to navigate the course and began feeling more and more at ease. Even my bowel movements improved. I began to enjoy my own company.

During the last days of the course, we had to focus not only on the sensations around the nose but on the whole body. We were supposed to scan the body from head to toe and from toe to head. By doing so, we could eventually reach different levels of consciousness. I spent my whole ten days trying to reach a deeper level but I think I only scratched the surface. More practice would be needed in my case.

On the last day of the course, I woke up euphoric, happy, so happy, feeling like I was enough. I wasn't sure if it was because I was going to be able to talk and be free again, or because this course had produced an actual shift in my consciousness. I was eager to talk to Qi and find out how she liked the course. I met her at the restaurant during our last meal. I had been watching her throughout the course and had been wondering what kind of job she had. I asked her,

"Tell me Qi, are you a musician?"

"A musician?" No, she chuckled. "What makes you say that?"

"'Cause I saw you counting with your fingers as if you were counting notes or syllables in a song."

She laughed again and said, "No, I was counting the days that I still had to remain here," and we both laughed.

Qi and her husband did not like the course at all, but I thought it was worth it. The course aims to teach you to be happy no matter what. I think it changed me, I feel more balanced and serene.