At Some Point

"I feel like I've had anxiety since that day." I say as I look around the office at the geometric paintings on the walls. I shake my head, "I can't flip a switch."

There is a long drawn breath from the other side of the room from a tall thin women sitting crossed legged, who calls herself my therapist.

"Is that what you believe?"

"It's what I know. How do I start to open up and trust people again?"

"At some point you will have to give someone a chance to gain trust."

The thin woman lifts her stick arm and glances are her tiny watch.

"This was productive", she says as she stands, her head almost touching the ceiling.

Walking through the parking lot at dusk always unnerves me, even if spring is in full bloom. I have my knife in my bag if I need it; you just never know. The truth is I've gotten much better over the last few months. I used to carry the knife in my hands. And before that, I carried a gun. Until one night it accidentally went off in my car and shattered my passenger side front window. "You really need to get a grip" my mother said when I told her what happened.

It's been over 10 years and I am still afraid of the dark and still untrusting of almost everyone. My senior year of high school was fun up until I was dragged by my hair into the woods and almost stabbed to death. No one ever found out who it was or why they did it but I was able knock the knife out of the attackers hand into the leaves and run away. The dark seemed darker than dark that night.

I shake the memory from my mind and get into my small beat up Honda to head home. My apartment isn't big but its warm and it works for me. I unlocked the old overly painted front door, flick on a light, and walk over to my desk to shake my mouse. The screens illuminate my face as I check my work email for anything missed.

Working from home has been a god-sent but it truly doesn't leave room for any work life balance. Even leaving a few minutes before the end of the day makes me anxious that I'll miss an email from a hiring manager.

My phone rings. Heather is calling me again. I reluctantly had dinner with her a few weeks back; a very early dinner, and it was actually very nice. I came home feeling a bit refreshed, which almost never happens after spending time with other humans that I am not close with.

Heather is someone I went to high school with. We bumped into each other at the grocery store a few weeks back. I tried to hide my face and run in the opposite direction but she caught me and made eye contact.

"Michelle! Oh my gosh wow it's been so long!"

I wanted to die but instead I stood there and smiled. I wondered if she remembered that I didn't walk at graduation because I was too afraid to leave my house.

"What have you been up to?!", her smile blinding.

"Oh you know, working and living life."

Lamest response I could have possibly given but I was doing my best and I decided that I would probably never see her again.

"Here take my number!" she had said as she shuffled around her large oversized brown bag.

Being the people pleaser I am, I allowed this phone number exchange to happen and thought I'd never see or hear from her ever again. Until she called a week later, twice. Then texted, 3 times. I had to answer at some point.

How are you? Let's grab dinner this weekend! Nothing fancy

Are you okay?

Should I be worried?

There is nothing worse than a stranger who is not quite a stranger worrying about you. She eventually talked me into dinner and I suggested an early time. She was okay with it so, I braced myself and dove head first into a social interaction that I normal would have a panic attack about. I was proud of myself. Trusting humans was really hard and it felt brand new, even though I clearly remember trusting people before that night.

My phone lit up again. She probably wasn't going to leave me alone. I took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, remembering thin therapist lady's words:

At some point you will have to give someone a chance to gain trust.

The phone still ringing, I brought it to me eye and closed my eyes, "Hey, Heather."

****

It was already 7:30pm by the time I got to The Artifice, a new gastro pub in our small town. It was highly recommended by almost everyone and was crowded every night, which is why I never went.

"Michelle! There you are!" Heather's head popped out of the front double doors in front of me.

"Oh, you're already here?"

Confused, I followed her into the restaurant. "We are just back here", she said as she took my arm.

"We?" my heart started to race at the word we. Who else was there?

As if Heather knew I was anxious, she stopped walking and pulled me into the bathroom hallways of the noisy pub.

"Listen I know how shy you are and I knew you wouldn't come unless I didn't tell you my friends were with me too."

"Friends? Who?"

Heather Laughed, "No one from high school, don't worry."

She looked me dead in the eye as if to say I remember what happened and its okay and its not going to happen again.

I took a very deep breath and breathed out as I smiled and whispered, "Okay.."

She took my arm again and led to the back of the restaurant and into the pub area where she was headed towards a table of 3 other people.

"There she is!" one of them jeered and a wave of Modelo spilled over the glass onto the table,

"Guys...this is Michelle! We went to high school together and she is a doll."

My head spun. I hadn't been in this type of social interaction in very many years. What was I supposed to say?

"What's good?", asked the one of the friends to the right, "Here you can sit in this chair." He grabbed the chair and pulled it out.

"I'm John, nice to meet you.", he said causally as he sipped his beer. :"This is Sophia and Tim. We all used to work together a few years back before the company "

Tim laughed "Be so for real, that company was such a failure."

A warm and fuzzy feeling crept into my stomach. The feeling of friends sharing experiences and feelings and laughter in a public place. It wasn't at all the scary dramatic scene I thought it would be.

I smiled and Sophia met my eyes. "What do you do for living, Michelle?"

I explained my remote recruiting job as if I was in a job interview. Sophia kept her eyes kind and locked in and it made me feel okay about being shy.

"That's great! Gosh I'd love a remote job."

"I'd never get anything done!" Tim said loudly. "I need another beer, do you guys need another beer?"

"Michelle what do you want to drink?" heather leaned down over my left shoulder.

"Uhm... just some white wine would be fine?"

"You got it girl!" Heather and Tim headed to the bar and Sophia excused herself to go to the bathroom.

It was just me and this guy John. He seemed quiet like me. I looked over at him and he smiled, taking the last sip of his beer.

"You seem unsettled. You okay?"

"Yes! Sorry", I laughed, "Yes I'm fine. I just haven't been out like this in a long time."

"Yeah heather was saying that."

"Oh?"

His eyes widened a bit, "Oh well yeah I mean she mentioned you don't go out a lot. It can be fun though. You can relax. This is probably the safest place in town with all these people around."

I looked around and realized he was right. We were inside, with a ton of other people, in a noisy pub in the middle of town.

Heather approached the table, balancing drinks and shots. Heather gave me my wine and then lined the shots up in the middle of the table. Sophia came back just as Tim started to loudly announce the way we would be taking these shots.

"You have to make eye contact! Direct eye contact!"

I was too overwhelmed to listen to the rest but I turned to my right and John was nodding in a steady and trusting way.

At some point you will have to give someone a chance.

I turned back towards Heather and Sophia, smiled, and bravely grabbed my shot.

"This girl is ready!", Sophia laughed.

It was probably the 3 shots and 2 glasses of wine but the night slid by so quickly. I could not believe how much fun I was having. Laughter ricocheted around in my head and I found myself telling jokes and being open to these strangers. They felt more like friends by the end of the night to be honest. Heather leaned over and whispered in my ear a few times throughout the night.

"Looks like you're having fun"

"I think John is into you"

"You seem really happy"

It was true. I was the happiest I had been in the last 5 years easy. I relaxed in my chair in a drunk haze, soaking in what I knew were the last few minuets of the night as I heard the bartender saying last call. Everyone started to gather their things and I stood up, woozy. I grabbed Johns arm trying not to fall over and embarrass myself. I was confident that these people understood that I had not been out like this in years and it was okay to be a little too drunk.

John walked me slowly back through the restaurant and back through the double doors. We made our way out into the chilly spring night and my nerves in my stomach clenched ever so slightly as John continued to walk me to my car. It didn't feel like anxiety, just regular nerves. Maybe I was into John too and this was all new for me.

We got to my car and I spun around, smiling at John under the street lamp. I was either so sure that we would kiss or I was that drunk that I was misreading the whole situation.

"I had such a good night. Thank you.", I hiccupped.

He looked down at me intently, "I'm excited to finish what I started."

As the corner or his lips turned upward, a lightening sharp pain bloomed in my stomach and I hunched forward. The blade of a knife John's hand was sliding out of my stomach, warm blood draining down my abdomen and pants. I looked back up at John, wide eyed.

"You thought you were gunna get away?", he playful taunted. He plunged the blade again on the other side of my stomach; more lightening pain. This time, I fell to my knees and hunched toward the ground, everything spinning. The world went dark.

At some point you will have to.