The pain. It’s overwhelming. I can hear my mother in the distance crying, hoping and praying that I overcome this tragedy. March 28th 2021 at 3:08am . I have become a ticking time bomb and only had a few moments to experience life. My heart was throbbing as I could feel the hole that pierced through me. It was as if I was experiencing being shot though I didn’t even know of what that would’ve truly felt like. As I lay in my mother’s arms barely opening my eyes, I held onto her finger as she gazed into my soul , reminiscing at how perfect her beautiful baby girl was. If I could only tell her that before entering this world that I had met with God before this day. We’d spoken and he informed me that I didn’t have much time on Earth but I had a mission. My mission had a very important benefit. To make sure my mom would be okay. Although at the same time she would deal with the unbearable pain in the end. I was devasted but I knew what I had to do and accepted the mission.
I was hooked up to so many monitors and tubes I felt like an experiment. Having to be transported to another facility, I could feel the terror in my chest where the hole burned inside but something inside also told me everything would be okay. As God had whispered in my ear as the doctors wheeled me into a vehicle driving to Hershey Hospital. I could hear the nurses talking to God as he told them what was happening and what to do. All I could do was lay there in confusion but somewhat aware.
We’d arrived to the hospital being such a beautiful place.
“Mommy.” I wanted to cry out. “ Where’s Mommy?”
They’d put me in a place called the NICU. A few other babies were here as well. I guess they too were in pain as much as I was. Maybe God had spoken to them too and had a mission for them also.
My mother had arrived thirty minutes exact. Her heart was crushed not having anybody to comfort her during this heart ache time. I felt hopeless to her and myself. Wishing I could tell her that I was okay, I wasn’t.
The day of my surgery , they’d taken me up to my room for preparation. The nurses, doctors, my surgeon lay me on the table. I lay there wishing my mother was here in the room with me but giving the rules her waiting took place in a small family room where she waiting almost four to five hours for my recovery. I felt her praying as I drifted off into a deep sleep due to the pain medicine they’d injected which felt like a lot for how my head felt. Somehow I still felt the pressure of my heart being repaired however my recovery was a success though I wasn’t able to breathe on my own. I was magically alive thankful for the machine I was connected too. I felt like a superhero only my super powers weren’t in effect.
My room was changed from the fifth floor to the third floor. My mother came right to my bedside in such heart breaking disappointment. Her baby girl was alive, chest unwillingly open with a patch covering the middle. She cried and cried, gently grabbing my fragile fingers managing to hold her fingers back I was nothing but intensively weak.
“You’re still beautiful baby girl. This makes you a true warrior like wonder woman.” She whispered in my ear." I love you so much and I’m nothing but extremely proud of you.” She continued. All I could do was lay there lifelessly.
A week or two had passed. My kidneys were on and off. I’d developed a blood disease called E Coli leaving my body mainly my toes to my right foot, well, no more. My mother was so sad that we wouldn’t be able to get our toes done then she told me we’d make it work even if she had to cut her own toes of so we could be twins or that I didn’t feel alone.
My mother had bought me so many things from the little gift shop downstairs. The one I loved most had to have been the giant pink teddy bear which cost $99.99. She told me this bear was my lover, along with a medium size brown bear being my bodyguard and the small bear that had the month I was born naming it after me titling him/her as my best friend. It made me happy to know she loved me, sad because I was slowly forgetting God and I’s mission.
I was still in a boat load of pain grateful for my medicine I was given to help decrease it.
A few more weeks went by. My mother needed a breather so she told me she was leaving but she promised me she was coming back. Before she left she put the movie Moana on the big flat screen tv I had in my room. At that moment I knew my mission was done. She never came back. As I lay there in my bed , God came to see me one last time. He’d spoken to me telling me everything that my mother had told me during my stay, during my fight. He told me she was happy with whatever my choice was , whether I chose to stay or chose to go but whatever choice made she would still be proud of me, but if my choice was to go one thing she wanted me to do was make sure I came back to her when I was ready. If I chose to come back to her one day her arms would be wide open for me. At the time , it wasn’t the right timing for her to have me in her life with her dealing with the system with being incarcerated the moment she’d left the hospital.
My last breaths on Earth were peaceful. When I closed my eyes as I drifted into the skies of heaven nothing but bright lights, beautiful animals, birds, horses, even magical creatures like the unicorn. Then God himself appeared in front of me as he said. “Come little one. Paradise awaits you, and may you be gifted for your strength, may you be blessed for the amount of love you’ve brought onto this world. For one day it will all matter. But for now we have more work to do. Come along my precious child.” Soon enough , my physically body was no more but my spirit and my soul floated happily into the winds with the angels. I died May 18 2021 at 6:30pm . I never expected to die , nor wanting too . But I had to so my mommy could become stronger because she’s been through so much pain and even though my death probably haunts her til this day , I’m still with her guiding her through helping her in not giving up . My death wasn’t painful just upsetting I wanted her as much as she did me though we had to part ways for a bigger and brighter blessing . One day we will meet again, though she will have become a better version of herself and better for me . Until then I will watch above her fighting away the things that will try to distract her , getting in the way between her and I coming together again .