Trying Again

“I think we should separate.”

The words rang through the house. They bounced off every piece of furniture, finding their way into Nina’s ears, echoing there.

Separate.

Separate.

She had finally said it. After months of feeling unhappy, unprioritized, lonely. Feeling like she was invisible to Evan. Feeling like he wasn’t the Evan she knew anymore. A shell of the person she had loved since college; drowned in work, coming home late, always being stressed about money, finances.

Why couldn’t he let it go and trust her? Trust her when she said they will make it through. They had survived college, survived long-distance, survived birth, survived his parent's death. And they will survive this too. Survive the financial loss they had suffered after their coffee shop cum bookstore burned due to a gas leak. They could survive it, only if they didn't let it drive them apart. Nina had told him that, had made him promise he wouldn’t bear it alone, sideline her. But that was exactly what he had done; he had turned a blind eye towards them, their bond, their relationship.

She had contemplated saying this for weeks but had never found the courage when she saw him walking through the front door at night, defeated. Defeated against the expenses they had to bear, the tiring and monotonous, 9-5 job he had to do for that.

Not anymore. She had to do this, for herself, for him, for Em, for their family.

“Why?” Evan’s question pulled her out of her thoughts, and she slid her eyes to his.

She had always loved his eyes because she always found the love, he had for her in them. Several times she had tried painting the ocean blue of his eyes, but on paper, they had never shone as bright as his did when she was there.

They glowed right now too, not with love, though. With fear. Fear was evident in Evan’s eyes as he stared at her, waiting for an answer.

“You know why, Evan.”

He knew what he was doing. In some part of his mind, behind all the stress and burdens, he knew he was taking her for granted. Sometimes, Nina wondered if the reason why he couldn't do anything about it was that he hadn't yet dealt with the thoughts that lived at the front of his mind. That occupied his days and nights.

“Fuck,” Evan rubbed a hand over his face. Rubbed at his temples, his eyes. Thinking, he was assessing what to say to her. What to do. And Nina did not know why but that gave her a semblance of hope, that the fear in his eyes right now was because he was afraid to lose her. He was afraid to lose her because he cared. Because he did still love her.

Nina kept her eyes on him, waiting for a response. Waiting, as she had waited for months.

A moment passed.

Two.

Three.

Evan moved forward in his chair from where they were seated on the kitchen table, opposite each other, with the table in between. His hands covered the length of the table and reached hers. He grabbed both of her hands in his and brought them closer to him. Nina didn’t stop him when he sunk his head and pressed her hands to his eyes. His shoulders started shaking just as Nina’s hands started getting wet.

He was crying, she realized. She didn’t stop him, didn’t offer him much comfort beyond letting him hold her hands between his as he sobbed onto them. A tear slid down her face.

And another.

And another.

Nina shut her eyes and willed herself not to cry. Not right now. Right now, she needed to get this to a conclusion. She took two deep breaths and opened her eyes. Evan was still in the same position. Her heart kept shattering, but she willed herself to stay strong. For him, for them, she had to do this.

"Evan..," she started, but he cut her off.

“Nina, please.”

He lifted his head, and his eyes were pleading. Begging. A silent tear escaped Nina’s eyes at the sight of him. The man she loved, right now in front of her, was more broken than he had ever been. Because of her, because of the decision she decided to take for both. He shifted both of her hands to one of his, while he moved the other to her cheek. His thumb wiped off the tear resting on that cheek. His fingers slipped behind her neck, knotting in her hair, his palm resting on her cheek. He kissed her hands that were wrapped in his, as his thumb caressed her cheek.

Nina leaned into his hand, nuzzling against the warmth of his hand on her cheek. After so long. For so long she had been craving that warmth, and now finally it was radiating within her, and she couldn’t help but snuggle closer to it.

Desperate.

She was desperate for more of it. More of him. More of what she had been devoid of for months now.

“Please,” Evan said. “I know I messed up. I know that. I know I haven’t been here for you. I just, I am worried beyond words,” he took a deep sigh.

“After we lost the shop, I didn’t know how to move forward. You know I have always hated monotonous jobs. And now I am stuck in one, and I think I’d be fine with it if it paid enough. For the work I do, it doesn’t. And I don’t know how I will fulfill your wishes, fulfill Em’s, all the plans we made for the future. How will I afford them? How will I afford our future? Your future, Em’s future? It eats me up that I can’t do anything about it. I can’t make you happy.”

“Evan," she tried to speak again, but he cut her off once more.

“I know. I know what you are going to say. That your happiness is if I’m with you. Not with money. I know that. I know I was wrong in pushing you away, in thinking you’d be here even if I don’t show you that I need you. I am sorry. I am so sorry. Fuck, I can't tell you how sorry I am. How much your decision is breaking me. Trust me, please. Trust me, it’s making me realize what I was doing, and I will be better. Together, as you said. I will be with you, and together we will get through this. I trust you. I always have. I was just blinded by my stress. I'm sorry. But please. Nina, please, don't leave me. Don't leave us. One more try. One more chance. Just one more. Please.”

Nina opened her mouth to reply, but the jangling of keys in the front door interrupted them. They quickly wiped away their tears as Em ran in, followed by Anna.

“Daddy!”

“Oh, there is my little girl,” Evan laughed and picked up Em, putting her in his lap. She started telling her about her day in the park, and Evan feigned faces of surprise at her stories.

“Thank you so much for taking care of her, Anna,” Nina turned towards the teen standing in the hallway.

"No problem, Mrs. Rivers. I will drop by again tomorrow," Anna waved at her and turned around to leave.

“Thank you! And please close the door on your way out, will you?” Nina called out behind her. She only turned back towards her family when she heard the door click shut.

Her family. Em and Evan. The two pieces of her heart. She smiled to herself as she watched them for a moment; Em was giggling as Evan tickled her, telling her a story about squirrels. Without a second thought, Nina got up and made her way towards her room.

She didn’t waste time as she got on her knees in front of her closet and opened the lowest drawer. She pulled out the box she had kept in there for years, never once opening it. She had never needed to, until now. Now was the time when she had to open it and look through the contents. Now was the time when she needed a reminder of what they had been, so she could believe what they could be in the future. Now was when she needed a push, a hope, and that lay behind the locked box she was staring at.

Nina put her hand below the box and grabbed the key taped to the bottom. She opened the box and dumped all the contents in her lap. Her hands roamed through the clutter in her lap, and she picked up a movie ticket stub, smiling at it.

“The movie was so good,” Nina commented as they came out of the cinema. She sniffled, fresh from the tears she had shed in the movie hall. Her arm was linked through Evan’s as they walked.

“Was it? I kept watching you,” Evan smiled at her.

“Oh please, you weren’t watching me. If only you were that romantic.”

“Am I not?” Evan halted and turned towards her. His eyes shone like they always did when he looked at her. She swore she could imagine the sun reflecting off the ocean blue in his eyes. She bit down a smile as he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her temple.

“Okay, fine, you are the most romantic person ever," Nina rolled her eyes, making Evan chuckle.

"Come on, let's get some ice cream.”

Nina wiped off a tear as she put away the stub. She then found herself picking up a piece of paper with a note scribbled on it in Evan’s handwriting.

“Together, no matter what. Nina Cunningham, you warrior, I absolutely am yours forever,” Nina read aloud from the piece of paper Evan had been scribbling on since the past hour.

“These two lines are your vow?” She asked.

“Hey, don’t make fun of my vow. These may be two lines, but they say everything that I want to,” Evan countered.

“Oh, like what?”

“Like how much you mean to me,” he walked over to her and knelt in front of her, where she was sitting on his bed.

“Like how much I love you. And have been waiting for the moment we say I do, and I can call you mine forever. You are a warrior Nina, just like your name, and I am so proud that in a few days I will have the honor of calling you my wife.”

“And?” Nina nudged him on, half smiling, wanting to hear more.

“And that no matter what happens, we will always be together. Together, always.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her lips.

Nina chuckled at the memory and hugged the piece of paper to her heart. She was a warrior. She had fought with Evan through everything all these years. And she knew she would do it the next hundred years to come too. She just wanted to make Evan realize that she needed him to be her strength so she could fight with him. And she knew the best way to bring him back to her, to make him realize, was letting him fear she one day might not be here with him.

She held the paper close to her heart and let her other hand push aside the other things until she found a paper snowflake in the clatter. Picking it up, she traced her finger along its edges.

Nina lay on the grass with her head in Evan's lap and stared up at the sky. Her hand rested on her belly, and even though the doctor had told her it was just flesh right now, she swore she could hear a faint heartbeat.

Evan was fumbling around with a piece of origami paper. They had just had dinner and decided to drive down to the park.

“Can you see the constellations?” Nina asked.

“What constellations, love?” Evan peered up at the sky but couldn't see anything except a bunch of stars scattered in the sky.

“That,” Nina pointed to the sky and traced a shape there causing Evan to burst out laughing.

“There is no constellation,” Evan said between laughs.

“Just pretend there are, and that I am telling you which is which,” Nina said.

And so, she started pointing out constellations that weren't there, each with a name quirkier than the previous, and Evan couldn't stop laughing. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, placing a hand on her belly.

“Here,” he handed her the product of his fumbling attempts since they got here. Nina brought it to her face and realized it was a snowflake.

“This will remind you of this moment. And of the fact that I always will love you, no matter what. And you will always be my snowflake.”

Nina looked up at him and found him grinning down at her, his eyes shining like always.

“You’ll always be my snowflake,” Nina heard Evan from where he was standing by the door, watching her.

She heard him cross the space between them and sit down behind her. He snaked an arm around her waist and pulled her to him, her back hitting his chest. He put the other arm around her neck and pressed his forehead to her head. Nina snuggled into his arms, letting him kiss her head, and savored the feel of him pressed against her. His warmth and his scent.

“Please,” he whispered against her hair.

Tears escaped Nina’s eyes and landed on Evan’s arms. She knew her answer already -it had always been only that. She loved him. She had loved him all these years, and she knew she would love him in all the years to come. And as his familiar warmth and scent filled her up, she knew she would always try. For him, thousand times over. She would try. Again, and again. Because if we don’t try again for the ones we love, when will we ever? If she didn’t fight for them right now, for the ones she loves, when will she ever fight? When will she stay true to her name if not now?

And so, she nodded and smiled as she kissed his arm.