The Trouble with Goodbyes...

The wind rips at my coat almost dragging me into the waves below. “It shouldn’t have come to this. I was supposed to be better.” 

I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, heartbroken, about to release Selene, a stray wolf, back into the wild. She sits in front of me with eyes gleaming in anticipation; no doubt this area is familiar to her even now. About a year ago I came here to clear my mind after the death of my wife. I was reeling from her absence when I found Selene limping in pain in the tall grass. One look at her and I saw -or thought I saw- something familiar about her. But it was unexplainable. Still I slowly advanced and familiarised myself with her. I carried her to my car and drove home, talking all the while, more to myself than the majestic animal. Even in my broken mind I remember the blood. Crimson stained the car, my clothes, the kitchen table. I stood there inspecting her wounds. She had suffered a broken rib and deep slashes across the torso. For hours I spent stitching and cleaning the affected areas. I let her rest then and something in my mind settled too.

“I should have been there for you when you had given up hope.” A sob forces itself from my throat and it takes all my strength to continue; “When it seemed like the world gave up hope I should have been there to fight, to prove that no matter what there is still someone left in the world who needs you here.” My words come out in bursts, torrents even. I’m no longer in control of my mind any longer - it all comes from that deep place in the soul where we dread to go in the depths of heartache. 

“So before I let you go I just want to say - ”

BOOM! 

The air is filled with thunder drumming overhead. We both lower to the ground. I drag Selene under my body whispering soothing tones to her all the while. I don’t know if she can hear or even understand. I’m not sure if it’s for her comfort at all. Presently the rumbling subsides and Selene kicks outwards as if in disgust at being subject to this protection. I reel back in shock and stay flat on my back in the grass, motionless. Up and down my chest heaves. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. The rhythm soothes me for a moment and I fall still.

Memories begin to unlock suddenly and flash forward in my mind. The most painful come first and cut through my mind like knives. No. No. I don’t want to remember. No! Leave me be! Let her memory rest in the grave that was dug for her. Still it persists. I see the events as fresh as though they happened recently. It's as if I'm there watching the violent car crash Joe was in that left her broken. All the days I spent watching over her in the hospital, caring for her wounds. I was only a trainee medical student there but I wouldn’t let anybody else touch her. To my mind they were all a danger. Everyone. But the damage was done and the more I treated the wounds, the worse they progressed. Joe’s mind was stricken with damage, with pain, with depression. I didn’t take the time to notice. I thought that if I could heal her physical ailments then that would be enough. 

I turn my mind away. Today of all days I need to keep it together. I can’t suffer the loss of both Joe and Selene. Instead I push myself up and move toward Selene who stands en garde ready for the next round of thunder. I can’t help but smile at her fierceness even now in the face of danger. There were times this year when I envied that mindset. To be able to carry on when nothing is fair and doesn’t make sense. I slip my fingers under the collar and undo the plastic clip. The cold metal of her name tag rubs between my forefinger and thumb as I begin my farewell once more.

“There were times when I was absent. When I cared more for myself than you. Not like it’s an excuse but I suppose it’s just that I couldn’t bear to see you like this. Broken and in pain.” I pause and look up at the sky. Seagulls have gathered in audience and soar high above us in all directions. Some swoop left, others flash right. But none return to the same route twice. If only life were that simple. I move to wave Selene off when...

Screams, high and guttural send hairs on my neck to stand up. All at once a chorus of gulls open their beaks and screech into the air. The atmosphere turns dark- ominous even - as the cries of these birds reflect off the black clouds overhead and collect at my ears. It’s enough to make me shiver. I pull my jacket closer around my body with my right hand, the left still clutching the silver tag like my life depends on it.

I returned one day to find Joe in critical condition. It was all I could to keep her heart beating. Day and night I rushed back and forth administering medicines to ease the pain. When that failed I had no choice but to get help from elsewhere. Doctors and medical professionals did the best they could but she remained in a coma. One look at her pallid face and hollow cheeks I saw that we were just prolonging her life. But what could I have done? I loved her.

Selene is getting restless. Back and forth her eyes shift between the forest behind and myself. All of this today - am I merely prolonging the inevitable? Am I dragging out the pain longer just for the sake of suffering, therefore justifying the decision? I lean down and kiss her forehead. Time to go.

Rain bursts from the trembling sky and pellets to the floor. I look into her eyes and my memory splits in two. In my mind I see the past come to life. The flat-line drone of the life support machine and a hush settling in the room. A black, oblong coffin lowering Joe into the muddy hole. People in dreary colours sobbing and hugging. Priests in white robes reciting prayers in a monotone, dull voice. All of it tinted with a lens of pain.

Through my eyes I look at the present. Selene is whining and shaking. The waves are roaring and splashing below in the gusting wind. I look down with tears gathering in my eyes. Hers are wide and empty.. 

“Well I guess this is -”. 

Without ceremony Selene runs into the wild. I stare at the place where she sat minutes before with a blank mind. Presently I’m saturated to the bone with rain. I move closer to the edge and ponder why I chose this place that day last year. In another flash, I remember. I came up here with my dad as a kid when days were too stressful to cope. These places where nature collides with danger - they contain magic to them. It’s where humanity’s perspective comes out of focus and opens up to the wider view of life. Each moment is fleeting, each memory cherished like a weight which traps us in the past. It controls our thoughts and carves out our future. Leaving us wondering - are we ever free from pain?

“Goodbye.” The words are snatched up by the wind. I hope they reach Selene one day. I know they won’t. That’s the problem with saying goodbye - it’s never how you expect it to go. I suppose I expected some form of return scene, like in the movies, where the lost get found and everyone is happy. Graceful and cheery. Instead it’s cold, damp and lonely. Still I made a positive impact and Selene lives. But Joe died. Here I stand on the cliff’s edge caught between the boundary of life and death, uncertain of which path to take.