The Curse of Sentimental Attraction

Val leaned over her plate of bacon and inhaled. Her eyes were closed. She was smiling. “I love the smell of bacon and coffee. It reminds me of my grandmother’s house. Walking into her kitchen was like walking into a big hug.”

Gary leaned back in the diner booth. A warm, tingling sensation filled his body. “I love how sentimental you are. It truly moves me,” he shared.

They were on their first date. It went longer than they both imagined.

“Isn’t late-night breakfast the best?” She drank her coffee slowly. Her countenance captured Gary’s attention. Every word she uttered seemed to resonate with his soul.

Val enjoyed his company. When she walked into a room, she was usually the center of attention. It wasn’t something she wanted, but her physical traits made men and women gravitate to her. Gary was different. He saw something else. She felt like he was peering into her soul and liked what he saw.

“I really enjoyed meeting you, Gary. We should do this again, but it’s my treat next time!” she said.

He pumped his arms in the air as if he was celebrating. “It’s a date!”

They soon finished breakfast and headed for Gary’s car. Val lived on the outside of town, closer to the country. Gary pulled out of the parking lot.

“Let’s take Old River Road to Norman’s Landing and stop to admire the stars!” Val said excitedly. She leaned into him and kissed his cheek.

Gary blushed. “Sounds perfect,” he whispered.

Val rested her head on his shoulder as they made their way to Norman’s Landing, then interrupted the silence. “Sometimes I stop there to admire the night sky and talk to the universe, God, and even the fireflies,” she said, chuckling.

“Aw, you are so sentimental. I really love...” Gary slammed on the brakes. Val’s head nearly struck the dash. She had unbuckled her seat belt so that to sit closer to Gary. He kept his foot on the brake and turned to his date. “Are you OK?” he asked alarmingly.

Val lifted her head and moved her hair from her eyes. “Yeah, I’m OK.” Her eyes widened then she pointed her toward the front of the car. “What is that?”

Two coyotes were staring into the car’s headlights. They had dragged a wooden cage filled with four circus monkeys into the street and attempted to chew the cage’s wooden bars.

Val reached toward the floorboard and pulled her purse onto her lap. She pulled out a gun that looked like the one Clint Eastwood used to carry in the Dirty Harry movies.

“Jesus, Val. How did that fit in your purse?” Gary asked.

Val did not respond. She lowered her window and fired two shots in the air. The coyotes scurried off into the underbrush. She quickly exited the passenger door with the cannon in her right hand. Her actions briefly paralyzed Gary. Val waved him forward.

The four circus monkeys were screeching. First, the coyotes and now the gunshots had heightened their anxiety. They were wearing red fez hats and vests.

Val knelt in front of the cage. “Aw, they must be circus monkeys! How cute!”

Gary chuckled, “Yep, they sure are. I’m going to pull the car off to the side of the road.”

“Grab my purse!” she shouted.

Gary soon returned with her purse. Val handed him her gun. “Keep an eye out for the coyotes,” she said. “They might return with more of their friends.” She started rummaging through her purse and found a banana and some crackers.

“I’m waiting for you to pull out a couple of folding chairs and fishing rods,” Gary commented jokingly.

Val chuckled. She tore off a piece of banana and handed it to a monkey. The little performers quieted as she fed them slices of banana and crackers.

Gary inspected the cage. “Looks like the coyotes were close to tearing the walls off this cage.”

“We can’t leave them here!” she said. “They will be eaten if they remain trapped in this tiny prison!”

“What can we do, Val? The cage is too big to fit in the car!” Gary pulled out a pocketknife and began tearing at the cage. “Let’s let them go, and they can hide in the trees until we can notify the zoo or animal control!”

Val grabbed his wrist, “Stop! Wait a minute.” She moved closer to him. “There is no way we can leave these little monkeys here. I just can’t do it.” Then, she smiled at him, “What if you pull your car up next to the monkeys, open the rear passenger door, and calmly pick up the cage. I will enter from the driver’s side and cut the cage wall. That way, they will have no choice but to exit into the car.”

Gary stood up. He placed his hands on the top of his head. “What, you want to put stressed-out circus monkeys in my car?!”

“They are trained monkeys, so I’m sure it will be OK,” she replied calmly.

Gary lowered his hands. He was struggling. Val gently clutched his wrists. “We can keep them in an old chicken coop I have in the backyard. I’m sure someone is missing them. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find out who owns them.”

Val turned and grabbed her purse. She opened it and said, “Put my gun in here and bring the car around.”

“Uh,” he exhaled loudly. His shoulders dropped, “OK.” He started to walk towards the car but turned abruptly, “Here, you will need this knife.”

Val chuckled, “Thanks, I have one.”

Gary pulled the vehicle next to the monkeys. He opened the passenger door and calmly lifted and pressed the cage against the car. Val soon crawled into the back seat with a knife that resembled a small machete. She started to cut at the wooden cage bars. The monkeys were pinching and clawing at Gary’s stomach as they feared Val’s blade piercing into the cage.

“Almost done,” she said. A loud snapping sound alerted Gary that the cage wall was breached. Val reached in her jacket pocket with her free hand and waved a cracker. “Here you go, angels. Come on,” she said softly.

The circus monkeys released their grip from Gary’s stomach and followed Val into the car. She placed more crackers on the seat and hurriedly exited the vehicle. Val closed the door and looked at Gary. She raised her hands in the air. “Well,” she said with a giggle, “are we ready for this?”

Gary looked inside his vehicle. The monkeys were busy eating the crackers. He then looked at Val, still holding on to her tiny machete-like knife.

“I’m not sure if I love your sentimental nature as much as I did earlier today,” he quipped.

Val laughed hysterically. She dropped her knife into her purse and winked at him. “I haven’t even shown you the good stuff.”

The monkeys stopped eating the crackers when Gary and Val stepped into the car. They began pacing in the back seat. Gary slowly placed the vehicle in drive. Val tried to talk to them calmly, “It’s OK, we are just going for a little drive.”

All four monkeys started to screech. They jumped from side to side. Then, they began tearing at the back seat.

“Uh-oh, sorry, Gary,” she said, her teeth clenched. Gary turned his rearview mirror toward the floor so that he wouldn’t stress over the destruction of his vehicle.

Then Gary panicked and started to accelerate. They were only 10 minutes from her house. He stepped on the gas, and that startled the monkeys. They began to scream louder. Soon, one of them pulled at Val’s hair. “Owwwww!” she cried.

Another monkey threw some warm wet material that hit Gary on the cheek. He wiped it with his finger and quickly identified that it was a moist monkey turd.

Gary leaned over and drove faster. His eyes were just high enough to see the road. Another monkey turd hit the back of his head. It was dripping down his neck.

“Oh my God, Val,” he said, laughing. “I have never felt this unappreciated.”

Two of the monkeys hopped onto Val’s lap. One bit her arm, and the other reached down and grabbed her purse. “Wait! No!” she cried.

Another monkey stooped on Gary’s shoulders and started biting his ear. He tried to swat the creature off with his arm. The monkey stepped back from the flailing arm and returned to biting his ear.

A barrage of monkey turd and back seat cushions were tossed at Gary. Val fought with a monkey for her purse while another stood on her shoulders and pulled her hair.

“You little bastard, give me my purse.” A warm monkey turd hit the top of her forehead. “You brat!” She laughed hysterically. The pain caused by her hair being pulled forced her to release her grip on her purse. She managed to grab the monkey on her shoulders and toss it onto the floorboard. She tried to pin the monkey with her heels.

Gary managed to throw the monkey biting his ears onto Val’s lap. She screamed.

“Sorry, Val!” Gary screamed back. He quickly turned and looked at the back seat. Two of the monkeys were fighting over her purse.

“We are only a few minutes away from the house. Hold on!” he screamed. The trapped monkey underneath Val’s heel was clawing at her ankles. She was holding the arms of the monkey on her lap as it continued to kick her in the stomach.

Gary looked in the back again. One of the monkeys had Val’s gun. It jumped up and down as the gun moved frantically in its hands.

“They’ve got your gun, Val!”

Val lifted the monkey off her lap and tossed it toward the one with the gun. A loud screech from the monkey being tossed filled the car. It landed on the other monkey. A loud shot could be heard in the car, followed by broken glass. Gary slammed on the brakes, skidded off the road’s side, and blindsided an old oak tree. The impact caused the airbags to be released and the front window to shatter.

A few moments later, the monkeys clawed themselves out of the vehicle and made their way to a nearby tree.

A long moment passed. Gary lifted himself up and noticed the white airbag was smothered with blood and monkey turd. He turned towards Val. She attempted to open the passenger door, but it was pinched against the tree.

“Are you OK?!” Gary shouted.

Val moaned. “Yeah, I think so.”

Gary opened the driver-side door and managed to help Val out of the vehicle. She was bleeding from her ankles, arms, and face. Monkey turd was smeared across her forehead.

Gary held her hands and looked at her. She looked at him. They were both clawed, bitten, and reeked of monkey feces, but nothing caused them to think they needed to go to the hospital. He released her hands, walked to the trunk, and opened it. Gary peeked at the passenger side of the car. It was totaled.

“Well, how do I explain that my car was hijacked by circus monkeys to the insurance company?” he joked.

Gary grabbed a jug of water and a few towels. He poured water on a towel and washed her face. She grabbed a towel from his hands and washed his face. The achy expressions soon turned to smiles.

“I would laugh, but I’m afraid it might hurt too much,” Gary said.

“I have something for that.” She kissed him.

“I feel better already,” he said with a smile.

Val chuckled. “No, not that silly.” She opened the car door and rummaged through the turds and torn cushions to find the prescription bottle and a flask that had been in her purse. She took a long swig from the flask and swallowed a pill. Then, she handed him the flask and said, “Let’s sit on the hood and watch the sunrise. It should arrive in a few minutes.”

Val started to feel better. Gary’s arm was around her waist. She leaned in and kissed him. The sun peeked its head above the horizon. Val turned toward the sun and returned her gaze to Gary. She blushed, “So what do you think of our first date?”

He leaned toward her, kissed her softly, and rested his nose against hers.

“All I can say is, wow, what a day!”