The Choice

  There is a certain kind of ‘pale face’ that draws you in. Not the sickly, greenish sort, but the icy and almost distant, with a dash of bright red shot through the cheekbones. There is also a pull in the dark, tawny, and strong; if you think of dark, dark eyes looking at you you’ll know what I mean.

It is a struggle between the two greats. Think of the sun and the moon, the rain and the snow, the eagle and the owl. Everyone chooses between those two beauties. Most of those decisions are worth talking about, rarely are they worth thinking about.

Snow White or Rose Red - Cleopatra or Helen, which one would you choose? On one hand stands up the blithe, awe-some, and fair man, and on the other, is the mystery, passion, and dashing man. Which one do you feel in your blood? Or, if you love both, what is there left? The call of the wild? Whatever angst or rebellion you need to get out? Will you take whichever will take you? Will you fight for whichever won’t? Would you rather burn or freeze?

Through this choice do we have a guide? I certainly didn’t. I met both of them at the same time, and I was left speechless and blown away by them.

I was in Japan for the summer after graduation. Ever since I was twelve I had promised myself that I would go to Europe someday and I had faithfully prepared for it. However, plans change and minds change, and, therefore, destiny pinches and pulls you into the future you get. That’s exactly how it happened for me: two boys that only lived one hour away from my house in British Columbia, I met five thousand miles away from home in a church in Tokyo.

Theo was the same age as me, and if two minds can be made out of the same material I swear ours were. Keith was just a few years older than me and very different but if I could have talked to him all day, every day then I would have done so. I soon developed beautiful friendships with both of them.

Throughout my college years I often saw them, we were great chums and would often get together for various reasons, we even went to Australia together one summer. I found that they understood me and I understood them more than I had ever experienced with friends. It was beautiful and pure friendship that I truly will always be grateful for. One day, however, someone told me a shocking thing: they said, “You know that you’re going to marry one of them, right?” I hadn’t known it before, but apparently everyone else had. And thus I discovered that the best friendships are ruined when you learn that romance “has to happen”.

I pondered on this for a while, and that was when I learned that to understand a thing you have to kill it. Yet, one can’t live without knowledge and understanding. I had always thought that love was perfectly understanding someone else and loving them for everything you see, but if I came to understand and love one of them does that mean I would kill them? I rightfully felt my conscience prick at the thought of turning this friendship into something not nearly as beautiful or pure as it had been.

After a while, I adjusted to these odd emotions I was experiencing. I was able to put aside any doubts and discover a thrill in loving Keith. I don’t think that he ever suspected it, but it became

a sad obsession of mine.

At every outing that I saw him, on every phone call, with every thought I began to have butterflies.

Through all this silly mooning I nearly destroyed my friendship with Keith, then I learned that it was Theo who actually loved me. I found it all very intriguing when I found out, because I had never even imagined that he could. 

I loved him too then, and that burnt our friendship for a while. But all these emotions have a toll and price, because I was sick of it. I missed the days that I just loved them, not loved them. I realized in some way just how silly I was being and I longed for the indifference of friendship.  

There was only one time that I felt that indifference towards them, it was on a night when we had gotten together to watch a movie but ended up discussing the essence of reality instead. They twisted my mind to a state of utter confusion – I was confused how I felt about them and I was confused what anything was- to the point where I could have punched either of them. I went home sobbing and didn’t even know why. I cursed that day in Japan when I met those boys. I cursed the Being that had made two such beautiful men – one masked in clumsiness and the other in arrogance. That painful night was when I discovered that I could care nothing for beauty if I wanted to.

Let’s take a step back, all this pain sounds so real, but let me ask the obvious question that so many forget to ask: why did I go through that painful night? As a matter of fact, why did I go through those horribly painful years of confusion and ruining relationships? The simple answer was because other people had told me that I can’t ‘just be friends’ with a man. Looking back, I wish that I’d turned

a deaf ear.

I was a fool to think that just because they were my friends I could be a wife to either of them. I should have known that nothing more than filial love would come from it.

We are told our whole lives that we should marry our best friend, but, truly, we should marry our lover.

I will always be grateful for that trip to Japan, because I met two of my best friends there. 

Theo, I’m sure is also grateful for that trip, he met his wife, Maria, in a quaint coffee shop downtown Tokyo. They just celebrated their third anniversary and announced that they are moving back to Japan to raise little Theo Jr. 

Keith will never marry now, not since he took his permanent vows as a Jesuit. You should have seen him on that beautiful day, I will certainly never forget those tears of joy. 

And me? It took me a while to learn the lesson I have just told you, but I did find a lover, who, I’m glad to say, did become my best friend and so much more than that. After a year of marriage I realized that he isn’t the fair, awe-some, and blithe one, nor is he the mysterious, passionate, and dashing one; he’s the perfect blend of both.