After all, I am your daughter...

After all, I am your daughter...

I say this to myself all the time so maybe it'll hurt less, knowing the way I am is just to keep me safe and secure. Hoping and praying I don't slip up one day and lose all the control I've been holding in for years now. We're more similar than I thought, you and I, we were once both so sweet then something happened and things changed. Well, something happened to one one of us, I don't know what happened to you. Why am I lying of course I know what happened to you and it's not even my fault it's just a natural thing that happens it just does, I grew up. Growing up strictly religious isn't for the weak, it's like the church is the reality TV show set, and everyone involved is the cast and we're all just waiting for one of us to fall and see what we make of it, It also so stressful having a religion that everyone at home follows that you can't even imagine doing because let's face it. You've never been that kind of girl and you don't think you'll ever be, long conserved clothing and only church music and following the bible strictly is enough to make you want to run out of the church screaming, but you know you can't because you have an image to uphold, the daughter of the mother who is the perfect painting of Christianity even though you know how she really is, she's gotten better you must admit but you know she'll never treat you the same way she treats her friends. They call crying and she'll drop everything to pray and listen to them rant about their latest life crisis while you have 100 and more and she doesn't sit to listen to even one and let's face it you've never been the "pitty party" girl and she raised you to be that way so I guess I a sense you can't blame her can you? But it just makes you feel better if you do so that's what you've been doing for years because it's become second nature. One day you wake up and in your head, you decide you're done. 10 turns into 11 years of age and you want your way and you're not scared to get it because this is your life and you don't want to waste it away wondering what it could've been if you weren't scared of some rebellion. It's slow at first, you change your clothes this drives your mother ballistic saying "You're asking for it" That saying never made sense to me if I'm not opening my mouth and telling you then I never asked, girls need to stop thinking of others when she gets dressed, she shouldn't have too and if you don't I'm proud of you and I love you. Your music changes from sappy kids' songs to Bad Bunny, Daddy Yankee, and everyone who you've grown to love and has saved your heart from shattering for 8yrs. Then you get a stronger sassy attitude, You decide you can learn a couple of things early in life. No damage is done by learning things early, along the way you decide you want to change the way you speak and become an adult as fast as possible. You want an out from the strictly Christian life you were born into. You're mom is yelling at you all the time now, asking what happened and why you finally grow tired and tell her that it's her fault. You weren't given enough space to explore what you wanted or what you wanted to believe in if you ever wanted to believe in anything at all because believing in something is commitment and you've never been good at commitment you've always been scared of being tied down you've always needed space. That's why your whole life is a secret you've gone through everything without your mom because she doesn't know how to heal you, only you and your best friends do, you gave yourself romantic space and that's when the first one of the church cast fell. Me. I didn't fall for almost a year while everyone else was tumbling around you, i fell first for the wrong guy. I fell for 4 months then it all went wrong and everyone found out, it feels awful having people tip-toe around you, treating you like you're a glass plate that can shatter at any moment when in reality you're a block of cement that could crush them all in 0.5 seconds. But at least I grew from this experience. Mother blamed it on me for falling for something that in her eyes was so obviously bad, but you had to be me to understand that it wasn't in the beginning at least, towards the end I knew I wasn't stupid but I didn't want to let go, he was the first time I had thought about marriage for a long time, I wasn't ready to let it go just yet. In the end, I did, yes if something is too good to be true then it is don't sugarcoat it you'll only be hurting yourself more than you need to, I cried for 2 days for him then he was gone. It was like he never existed in my head after those days, I'm always talking myself out of my emotions I've become an expert at this. The church, well some of the church knew and I hated being in other people's mouths for something they didn't and don't understand, and to make it worse they made my recovery slower, I didn't need to have a long conversation about it or be reminded that things get better because I know they do I take care of that myself, I'm the only one who knows what its fully like to be me. My whole life leads back to my mother, my personality, my attitude change, my wardrobe change everything about me that changed leads back to her. But she never understands, what can I say? I am the daughter. Like mother like daughter.