When the Dust Settles

Jennie looked over at the scale on her bathroom floor. It was over by the trash bin. She noticed a layer of dust now covering the glass top. She knew it was time to dust it off and face the number. She was already beating herself up for the number she knew would be reflected, she only hoped it wouldn’t be higher.

Jennie could usually determine her weight by the way her clothes fit, especially how t-shirts hugged her belly differently, or how her jeans felt tighter on her thighs even though the stretch denim allowed for breathability.

Jennie thought about how many times she had ‘started’ on her weight loss journey. That first time so many years ago she stood in a line at Weight Watchers to weigh-in. She was in her teens and wanted to lose ten pounds. She had accompanied her mother to the weight loss group and could still recall the conversation in the line.

“Why are yoooou here? You certainly don’t need to lose any weight”, a pleasantly round-faced woman exclaimed to Jennie. To which Jennie simply smiled and thought to herself, “What? Do I need to be two hundred pounds to come here?”

Then there was the time after her first daughter was born when she needed to lose fifty pounds quick because she was committed to being a bridesmaid at her friend’s wedding, which was planned for two and a half months after giving birth. She attempted a crash diet that, as she could recall, didn’t result in any substantial weight loss. She still cringed when she thought about the pictures from the wedding of her in a royal blue, lamê/satin dress that looked like blue foil wrap with spaghetti straps and a fitted bodice. It was horrendous. She blamed some of it on the garish fashion trends of the 80’s and the fact she was almost 50 pounds overweight at the time. She let out a sigh as she thought about how she had ripped up any evidentiary pictures of that horrific day!

Jennie then reflected on her career days, where she worked as a Communications Officer in a professional corporation and how she got comfortable in Size 12 dress pants and size Large sweaters, feeling relief when a Medium-sized blazer still fit or a Size 10 skirt. How she wouldn’t go shopping for new clothes for fear of having to try on a Size 14, even though she knew her Size 12 pants were getting a bit too snug.

“How do these look?” Jennie recalled a time she asked her husband about a pair of shorts she wanted to pack for a trip they were taking to Costa Rica for her brother’s wedding.

“Well, uh, your knees look a little thick”, he had attempted to be honest without being hurtful.

“But they look ok, right” Jennie had replied as she turned to look in the full-length mirror at how her butt looked in the khaki, fitted, knee-length Bermuda shorts.

“Yes, yes, they look ok” her husband had acquiesced probably just glad to be off the hot seat of honesty versus acceptable white lies.

Jennie then thought about being in that line at Weight Watchers again, after Costa Rica where this time nobody was asking her why she was there. She had almost done it. Reached the dreaded 200 pounds on her 5-foot six-inch frame. She weighed in at 199.8 that time.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, Jennie’s body weight was dispersed evenly throughout her body. She had always ‘carried her weight’ well. Oftentimes, still receiving compliments about how pretty she was or what a beautiful smile she had or compliments on how she looked in an outfit. Those compliments, and possibly a bit of denial, kept her in a state of body dysmorphia. Not the same dysmorphia as somebody who has Anorexia Nervosa where they see themselves as fat, even though they are skin and bones. No, her dysmorphia was seeing herself as slender even though she was approaching 200 pounds, a weight indicating obesity on the BMI index calculator. In fact, the top end weight on her BMI index for healthy weight for her size was 154 pounds.

A weight she finally accomplished that time at Weight Watchers with the help of joining a Zumba class that she loved, partnering with a weight-loss buddy – Sandy, and adding in walking and dumbbell exercises to her regular routine. In order to receive her life-time membership in Weight Watchers, Jennie had to maintain her goal weight – within two pounds – for six weeks. And SHE DID IT, with her friend Sandy by her side and the support of the Weight Watcher group leader and the members of the group. She was proud of her accomplishment and felt great.

She recalled a time in a dressing room around that same time when she was trying on a pair of fitted, white clam digger jeans. They were a Size 8 and too big. She thought there had to be a mistake and had to will herself to try on a Size 6, doubting any possibility that she could ever fit a Size 6. She also recalled that she enjoyed, for the first time she could remember, shopping for clothes when she was that weight. She took a deep breath and let it out when she realized that that was almost ten years ago.

Over the first few years after obtaining her goal weight, Jennie’s base weight had crept up to the 160-163 mark, where she still felt ok yet she yearned to get back to her weight watcher goal weight of 155 pounds and really, if truth be told, her true goal weight of 149.8 pounds, which would be the number that would achieve both a 50-pound weight loss, and her secret goal of being closer to 100 pounds than 200 pounds.

She was proud of the fact that over the years she had never reached 199.8 pounds again. However, the last few years her weight had gradually made its way up to 173 pounds, which became a new threshold and started her on the cycle of ‘having to lose 10 pounds’ to get back to the 163 range, which was still almost ten pounds above her Weight Watcher goal weight.

She hadn’t been able to get back to 160 or even 163 in the last three years. She would hover at about 166 pounds, then slowly go back up to 173. The pandemic-living certainly didn’t help although she did continue with her walks and exercise. The shoulder injury didn’t help where she was restricted in movement for about six months. Menopause, "oh my gawd, menopause" didn’t help at all, when gravity began its descent on her body. She didn’t understand what was happening at first, why her belly hung like an apron above her pubic area and how it jutted out in a way that it never did before. How, when she was doing a downward dog yoga pose, she saw the crepey skin on her legs and was horrified. She had never seen such a thing before and didn’t know what was happening. The hot flashes, night sweats and lack of sleep were all new as well, and she spent a lot of time trying to both figure out and accept this supposedly normal transition.

She smiled wryly and shook her head as she thought about the last couple of years and specifically the last year. The abnormal mammogram that required follow-up; the colonoscopy resulting in the removal of two polyps. The bout with Covid and any other infection her grandchildren brought home. Factor in the global issues: war between Russia and Ukraine; the never-ending Covid strains; vaccines; protests; rally’s; political discord. And, the list went on: the threat of AI; China’s attempt at taking over global power; and a society that relied on Instagram posts and Twitter feeds for the necessary information required to form their opinions.

The sound of her phone vibrating took her out of her deep descent into the rabbit hole of her thoughts and worries. It was her ex-husband, Joe. Jennie had just returned from a 3-month winter away in Mexico with her boyfriend, and she figured she would be hearing from her ex to catch up on the kids and life.

She answered and after some small talk and laughs, he asked, “So, did you keep your weight off while you were away?”

“Funny you should ask that” she laughed as she thought about where her thoughts had taken her since seeing the scale with the layer of dust on her bathroom floor.

After hanging up, she prepared her scale for the big reveal by dusting if off and placing it in a prominent position on the bathroom floor, in front of the vanity. She clicked the Noom icon on her iPhone, a weight loss app she had started using since the pandemic had shut down Weight Watcher groups. She reviewed the introductory lesson that led to her weigh-in…she placed her left bare foot on the cold glass top of the scale, followed by her right. She held her breath as she looked down at the little black screen where the digital numbers revealed a one, a seven, and a three.

She had hit her threshold and was ‘back to square one’!

She was ready. She was excited to start again. This time would be different. She felt a strange and new energy. She knew she had to make some changes in order to achieve her goals. Not only her weight loss goal but her goal to be a published author, a motivational speaker, a spreader of joy, a great mom and an even better grandma. She repeated her affirmation, “I am happy, healthy, whole, joyful, content and fulfilled…I am happy, healthy, whole, joyful, content and fulfilled…I am happy, healthy, whole, joyful, content and fulfilled.”

Jennie then did something she hadn’t often done for herself before. “You’ve got this”, she said out loud with an encouragement that was generally reserved for friends in need. Was she becoming her own best friend? She wasn’t sure but she gave herself a fist pump and a high five anyway.

The End.