The Act of Letting Go

"The Act of Letting Go"

by

Jacqueline D. Jones

The water flows along gently as Reva stands under the trees at the edge of the river, gazing at the pristine, undisturbed meadow and the glassy surface of the water reflecting the light of the sun. It is a perfect day, with the flowers vividly arrayed in full bloom underneath the clear blue sky. With camera in hand, she glances over the landscape, waiting for the moment to capture the right image.

Surrounded by such breathtaking scenery, Reva doesn’t know where to fix her eyes, and she wonders why she didn’t take up photography sooner. But, with the busy life of an English teacher and such a full schedule, she’d never much been one for hobbies. So, she could not have possibly known how awe-inspiring it could be to catch the flickering glimpses of cascading waterfalls, or the budding branches of the weeping willow trees. Often too immersed in the daily ritual of marking papers and grading tests, she had structured her days too rigidly to notice nature's idyllic beauty right outside her window. Constantly preoccupied with preparing lessons, or completing mid-year reviews, she had neither taken the time nor the effort to observe the world around her.

But the passing years had given way to changes that had forever altered Reva’s future and, as she had learned, nothing would ever be the same. Now fifty-eight, she has had to navigate the unplanned and unforeseen events of her life, as well as the disappointments that had accompanied it. You see, much like the meticulously organized daily planner on her desk, with an exact time and place for everything, she’d planned her life in much the same way. After all, it was, at least in her mind, what you were supposed to do.

When she began her career, Reva assumed that someday she’d meet the right person, settle down, and have a family. It seemed to be a natural expectation given that she was smart, had a good sense of humor, and was fairly attractive. Although she’d dated frequently, and despite her best efforts, somehow the relationships never seemed to go beyond the ‘just casually involved’ status. In the meantime, most of her friends got married while she remained known as the bridesmaid but never the bride. At first, she dismissed the delay, saying that it would eventually come at the right time. But later, that dismissal turned into frustration. Then frustration turned into exasperation. And finally, from exasperation to despair; as the possibility of having a family ticked away like the hour hand on a clock that she could not turn back.

She’d never imagined herself not being married or having children. No, Reva had envisioned a wedding day filled with pictures of the bride and groom, with bridesmaids wearing matching dresses and groomsmen in tuxedos. Along with a church filled with guests, ornately decorated, with a lovely cake to celebrate the occasion. She’d thought it would be a day that would see dreams become true. A day followed by life, exactly as she’d planned it. Filled with birthdays, anniversaries, and graduations. But now she would never experience a child's first steps, first tooth, or even the first day of school. And, there will be no family gatherings where they pull out the collection of photo albums and reminisce over the memories of events gone by that were shared with loved ones.

And, if all that was not enough, Reva also had to grapple with the loss of her parents, who often told her; as their only child, how much they’d looked forward to being grandparents. But now, not only was there no longer any hope of fulfilling her own expectations but of fulfilling theirs as well. As this deep sense of loss had sunk in, she pondered how to make sense of the unintended circumstances that she had been given. She thought about the choices she’d made and asked herself if anything could have been different. But, instead, she soon found that attempting to redress the past is a daunting, if not impossible, task.

She realized that no matter how hard she tried to revise the past, she would never know if a different decision would have given her a better or worse outcome. She can never go back and amend what is now lost to her. And even if she could, would it have been the seamless, perfect story she’d imagined? Or would it have come with the same wins and losses that are part of even the most meticulously planned life?

No, Reva now knows that unrelenting grief and remorse does not provide the answer for what cannot be changed. Sometimes the denial of holding on to a lost dream is easier than the pain of letting it die. But holding on only causes feelings of regret, and a constant state of regret is not emotionally sustainable. She must re-envision the life that she’d hoped for, and somehow find the strength to move forward.

Why she must do it is obvious. It is the “how” that she must resolve. It’s one thing to restore something that you once had. But how does she replace something that only existed in her mind’s eye? She doesn’t know which is worse. Having then lost, or having never had at all. It’s moments like this that she wishes her parents were still here, to give the well-balanced perspective they’d gained from their many years of experience. No, it would not have solved the problem for her, but it would bring comfort, knowing that someone understands how she feels. That’s what family is for, no? To be there in both the good times, and the not-so-good times. But now she must find the answers on her own.

It’s funny that answers don’t always come the way we expect. Not only that, but sometimes it may come in a tiny, unassuming compact size. Perhaps in the dimensions of a thirty-three-pixel single-lens camera. It was just a few months ago that Reva wandered into a camera shop when the owner began sharing his expertise in photography. Reva felt amazed that someone could create incredible artistry with such a seemingly ordinary object. That was all it took. She was hooked. After taking some classes, she discovered a whole new unexplored world right at her fingertips.

When Reva walked into the shop that day, she didn’t just find a hobby to fill the time. She’d found the answer to her dilemma. She initially thought that she was the teacher, as she’d always been, and the camera was just an instrument in her toolbox. But, as she canvassed the beauty of nature, the camera became the teacher, and she became the student.

With each picture, the camera was teaching her the steps to recover from her losses. She realized that a spectacular picture didn’t just happen. To clearly see the world, you must first be willing to change your perspective, to switch your lens, and to adjust your focus. Reva learned that even though she may have to see life differently, it just means that her life is altered, not over. And she no longer has to mourn the empty photo albums of unfulfilled memories; she can simply fill them with the new collection of moments and experiences that she now shares with the shop owner, who not only introduced her to his joy of photography but to the love and marriage that she has with him.

It was in her willingness to let go of her own preconceived ideas of what she did and did not like, and try something different, that she found that the only way to move forward was by letting go of the past.