Some Sick Joke

The world had just celebrated the last circle around the sun. Everyone, me included, cheering for the hope of a new year, and saying goodbye to the last one. Yet, it took one day after the new year for me to learn the harsh fact that not everyone gets the luxury of celebrating or experiencing the upcoming year. I hadn’t even gotten into my home, my haven, before my phone rang and my world crumbled around me. I could barely keep my composure as my brother's words echoed through my mind:

“You need to get to the farm as soon as possible. It’s Mom. She’s gone…”

The moments that followed were a blur. Mentally fading in and out of dissociation. Hearing voices speaking underwater; the water I was currently drowning in. Arriving through the front door one minute later, I fell apart once the door was closed. . Knowing I couldn't drive with my feelings and thoughts wreaking havoc, I pulled myself together enough to call my best friend for a ride. My breakdown continued in the car as she drove me to my grandparents' house. 

With fear coursing through my body, I came back to the present as Jessica, and I walked through the front door together. door. Both of my brothers were there, reminding me it was time to face the behemoth reality before me.

What if I hadn’t answered my brother’s phone call? 

“We’re so happy that you made it. I hope the traffic wasn’t bad getting up here. 

What if there had been traffic?

Come on into the dining room, everyone should be here at this point.”

What if we hadn’t made the trip to the farm?

“The coroner is with her; you can say your goodbye’s once they’re done.”

As long as I believed it hard enough, she would still be here. I could still rely on my blissful ignorance.

“Come on Chris, it's time to see her. If only to say goodbye” 

Jessica had grabbed my elbow to center me, but it wasn’t enough. To me, everyone and everything were just pieces on a board, props for a sick reality show I had found myself in.  She pulled me up, muscle memory took control as I followed my brothers out the back and towards my mother’s trailer. It was all I could do to keep air in my lungs and tears from falling. The energy I had was used up. Seeing her lifeless body on the gurney was physical evidence that this in fact wasn’t a dream. I was awake and stuck in a living nightmare. 

The coroner spoke and it barely fell upon my ears. “You guys have to go in one at a time, but you are able to say your goodbyes.” She gave weak condolences as my brothers, and I barely kept it together. One at a time, I watched my brothers walk into the room where my mother was with a stoic look, only to return with their feelings plastered to their faces with tears and snot. Nothing hurts more than watching your older brothers fall apart around you. All the while the typically emotional one was the one no longer present. 

Looking back, I regret not keeping my goodbyes longer. As I stared down at the lifelike mannequin before me, I only said that one word: Goodbye. My goodbye seemed empty and hollow. Unbelievable despite saying it with all I could give. Hard to mean it when your mind is waiting for her to turn the corner. I was willing her to be there for me as I grieved the CPR dummy, I was looking at. She never came but I still held onto hope as we walked solemnly back into my grandparents. 

So, what are our next steps? 

What do you mean? She’s going to come home to us any minute now

There must be a celebration of life. 

She’ll be right there celebrating and laughing at us for falling for this.

She is being cremated right?

Hard to cremate when the mannequin outside as the plastic will just melt. 

Our shit dies with her

Now that snapped me out of my rut. Was my middle brother seriously   attempting to use my mom’s death to hit the reset button on all our family drama? I couldn’t just bury all my pain alongside her. Not when most of the pain originated with her. Rage took primacy over all my colliding emotions. The urge to scream and tear the world apart. The urge to jump across the dining table to land blow after blow on my brother. The urge to just keep wailing and letting everything out on him. As my rage looked for anything and anyone to unleash itself upon, it felt like an eternity as I seethed with quiet resentment, but it was only a moment as this wasn’t the time nor place. 

The tears streaking down my face were a sure sign that I was shattering. Once they started it was hard to stop. All my emotions started to bubble to the surface, joining the already present rage, but I swallowed the tears and pushed them down as best as I could.  I looked blankly at the family around me, knowing they all have demons scratching at their minds. Each one of them was silent, as if the world weren’t ending for them. I sensed Pandora was knocking on the walls of the box I had created. 

Was the world moving on already? 

I couldn’t be a part of it. No, I wouldn't be a part of it. Not before were my mother and I able to mend the broken bridge built between us. I refused to say goodbye when there was still so much I needed. I couldn't just let her go that easily. Parents are meant to grow old to see how their children grow. She was supposed to be here. To watch me grow. To see that I am a son she could be proud of. I needed my mother. I refused to believe that I lost my chance to fix things. 

Moments after moments slipped through my mind as I could no longer register what was going on. Following orders like a mindless robot. Sitting when I needed to. Getting up on my feet to say my farewells and condolences to my family members. Following Jessica as we headed to her car. Starting our trek back to my place. Trying to pretend that my life hadn’t just imploded, and believing I could continue my life as normal. 

Once the silence settled in the car, the dam holding back my emotions burst forth. Messy trauma and jumbled emotions just flooded the car as if I were alone. Or at least in the safest place I could be in. Jessica let me be, focusing on the drive. Letting me unleash scream after scream of sorrow. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as the shackles had fallen off. 

With the opportunity to finally start processing, reality was sinking in. 

Colors and faded memories scratching at the surface. 

I just said goodbye to my mother and all I could give was near nothing. 

Singing along to Carrie Underwood as she drove me to elementary school. 

Not like she was there to begin with, but now it was certain my mother wouldn't be there for me as I grew older.

Feeling her hot alcoholic breath as she promised me, she was going to get better. Feeling stupid for believing her. 

The crushing weight of the promise, forever broken. 

“My son would never do this to me” 

Well mom, now your son must deal with what you left behind. Memories of all the times you were there to be the mother I craved only to be thrown a curveball. You became the monster under my bed and a skeleton in my closet. A closet I must air out, a bed I must sleep in. 

This new reality of my future was scary, and heart breaking, but I was going to get through this... I had my friends who helped from the sidelines. I had my dysfunctional family who always had the best intentions. I had my chosen family who dropped everything to help me grieve. It was going to be a rocky adventure, but I wasn't going on it alone.

I was going to be okay.