"What I Missed"

My name is Lewis Collins and I'm 26 years old. I grew up as an only child and was raised by a single mother who was not only a mother but a protector of sorts. She always had my back and made sure I didn't go without anything that I needed as a growing boy. When I would grow out of my shirts and pants, she made sure that I wasn't the kid who didn't have anything decent to wear to school. My mother would also buy enough clothing and shoes to give me options, basically I had variety. Mom had had my back in the sense of her child looking decent I was grateful for that and everything that I had growing up. The things that mom made sure I had like Food, clothing and shoes didn't come so easy to most kids where I lived. My mother was also very tough. When I say tough she didn't baby me. My mom basically had duel roles of being a Mom first and a Father figure second. I'll be honest I felt she had too much on her plate so she couldn't do both effectively.

I lived in an area that was poor. The folks in the neighborhood didn't have the basic necessities that I had access to, and people were barely getting by. So, I was considered somewhat wealthy or where I'm from its considered hood rich. I didn't think of myself as rich because I felt lonely. I had things that I needed but not the people and relationships I saw in other neighbors’ homes. I remember feeling so sad, but I had to be strong. My Mom always said I couldn't show my emotions and that it was a sign of weakness. I would see the other kids struggling with clean clothes and not having any food to eat at school. I said to myself "I'm lucky" and I was, but I was missing something huge. I always wondered though how it was to have dad in my life. it’s not that my mom didn't make sure I was okay but having that dynamic that I would see with other kids would have been gold. Mom was always working so I didn’t see her much she was earning an income to make sure that I had a roof over my head and necessities like food, water, and electricity. 

I just remember walking home from school wondering what I would do when I got home, I mean there wasn't anyone there. Mom was working and I had no one that I could hang out with. With me being 12yrs old one would think that I would have lots of friends, but I didn't I was to myself a lot because I didn't know how to talk to people and when I did open my mouth to talk, I felt that people weren't interested in my conversation. I had the clothes and shoes that I wanted but I didn't have attention that I so needed. It was almost if I were looking for someone to be interested in me, to see me. Even though I had all the material things I wanted, and my basic needs were met physical, there was something missing and I felt all the time. 

Whenever I could get my mother’s attention, I would ask her about my absentee father. My father was one subject I Could never get a straight answer about. I probed and prodded till one day she told me that My dad loved me he was just not here. Of course, in my mind I wanted to know more about why my dad was not here with me. How could he love me and know that I'm okay? From what I remember about my dad he wasn't a tall man or short man he was in the middle. My dad had long hair just like I did. It always surprised me that we both grew our hair out long. We had the same hair styling. I asked myself was that a familial trait are we just alike. One of my last memories about him was when he came to visit me on Christmas Day to my surprise, he even showed up for my 7th birthday, but little did I know that would be the last time I saw him. It was like he disappeared off the face of the earth. 

I was missing something in not knowing my father. why did he leave? where do I go when I need advice, that I can't get from my mother. It's not as if my mother isn't capable of answering my questions about whatever teenage issue I was facing. It's just that I needed my father for certain things. Things that only a father could tell his son. Sometimes I feel resentment over the fact my father just disappeared from my life without so much as a phone call or a piece of mail. He never acknowledged another birthday or even any celebrations like prom or graduation. He didn't have a son and I didn't have a father. I moved on with my life and I'm navigating it the best way I can. I have to be honest I miss my father and I yearn for him to reach out to me. I am now in my adulthood and have fostered relationships that are not healthy. 

I believe it’s because of my missing father and a mother that was too busy to support me emotionally. 

On my 26th birthday I decided I was going to find my father. 

I had to because I yearned for that male parental figure my whole life. And it was time to face him. I went through so many google searches and Facebook profiles; my eyes would hurt. I cried at times because I wondered why it was so hard for my father to stay in touch. I gave up on the search because my leads were going nowhere. A family friend of mine decided to help me without my knowledge and actually got a lead. She was able to find my father’s sister, my aunt. When she tracked her down and told her I was looking for my father aunt aggressively told my friend to get out of her face. That left me feeling down because I started to believe I wasn't wanted in my own family.