Till then

Dear oldest friend,

I didn't have a choice.

I don’t know when I fell in love with you.

I only know that it simply happened.

One day in kindergarten, you said hello. That rainy day we played with paper boats out in the rain - the same day you gave me your lunch box so I wouldn't go hungry, and that was the day I knew you were my best friend.

Few years later, we were in the eighth standard, and you called me to your birthday party. You gave me the first slice of cake to eat.

In the tenth standard, I visited you almost everyday.

You were in the drama club.

Each day, you would enact a new piece.

Your mother would laugh and include herself in the dramatics.

I remember her tender welcome as she hugged me when I came to your home. I remember the sweet smell of roses wafting through the air, her comfortable presence. Her acceptance had become important to me.

I can't tell you how I fell in love with you.

Was it because of your kindness?

Perhaps.

Perhaps it was more, from the beginning.

We were too young to have sparked.

But there were occasions when a thing would make us laugh together, make us turn and look at each other with a sparkle in the eye. Sometimes, when I was upset, you would come hug me till I felt alright. Nothing that a hug from you couldn't cure.

All the more reason why I didn't have a choice.

I suppose I have to tell you what happened.

It was a bright sunny day, but I was woozy and the dullness after waking from a good night's sleep numbed my senses.

I couldn't believe I slept throughout the scene I saw before me.

There are mad people, and there are people who have become mad on reacting to a particular situation.

My sister was of the second kind.

Her madness stemmed from a hormonal imbalance.

I loved her. She was the elder sister I ever always wanted.

So when she was diagnosed with schizophrenia a week before, I was in shock.

That day, her speech was incoherent. She was seized with the suspicion that we were trying to poison her.

She would fight with all her strength whenever somebody approached her, so she had to be tranquilized.

On reaching the hospital, as we were waiting, she was given her first antipsychotic.

I was waiting, my eyes closed.

The doctor said we could visit her.

As soon as I went in, my sister welcomed me with open arms and a kiss on my cheek.

It would take a few days for her to come home.

Till then, she would stay at the hospital.

Everything was okay, till then. Even though I hadn't told you about all of this.

When she came back home, l witnessed a certain change in her countenance.

One day, I walked into my room and I saw my sister sitting with a hard look on her face.

She took what looked like a letter in her hand, and started reading, "I wish I could have you here with me today. I am on a merry-go-round with seating areas shaped like horses. I tried the tutti-fruity ice cream you so like. I have found a place where from I get the freshest and prettiest flowers. I have taken a rose for you. I listened to your favourite Mohammad Rafi saab's song on a loop. I saw a woman in red shoes just like yours today. When will I hear from you?"

I heard everything with bated breath and then said, "So?"

"You have to stop seeing him," she said.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because I said so," she said.

"But Why?"

There was no response.

She had taken away all of the letters you had written to me. She took away my phone, and for the first time in many years, I couldn’t see you for a month. Throughout the summer vacation.

I wondered if you had forgotten me.

When I saw you in school, you did not come to greet me. I wondered if it was because you were angry or whether you had stopped caring.

Before I could say anything, you saw my sister coming to take me home after school hours, and you asked her what was wrong.

My sister ignored you and took me back home with her.

I cried that night.

The next day your mother came to my home, and had a long conversation with my mother.

My mother allowed me to visit you the next day.

Your mother hugged me like nothing had changed.

But you... you looked at me askance and wouldn't utter more than a few syllables together.

What had happened, I asked.

I like someone, I just want you to be my best friend now, you said.

I suppressed my feelings.

You laughed. I am joking, you said.

And then you hugged me. I felt relieved.

***

That day when I came back home, mother was crying. My father was in a solemn mood.

My sister had tried to jump off the roof.

She had to be tranquilized again and taken to the hospital.

Turns out, she had not been taking her medications for the last few days. She was hiding them and later throwing them away.

That day, in the hospital, when she opened her eyes, she saw me... and she began to cry.

I gently hugged her and asked why she had been so agitated.

She shook her head. She wouldn't tell me.

***

But I found her diary.

She had had a crush in class 6. The boy told her he loved her. The next day, she found him with someone else. Her fragile self respect led her to pursue him still, but to no avail.

She didn't want the same thing to happen to me. Apparently that was it.

I know he won't betray me, I told her.

You remember that day when I was quiet for the entire time you were trying to cheer me up?

I was afraid for my sister... I didn't know what horrors she had faced in the past.

***

I had a terrible dream. It was one of those days when you knew something bad had happened, but you couldn't say what exactly had happened. While my sister was hospitalized, I went to see her everyday.

She made me promise that I wouldn't give anyone more priority than what I gave myself.

That night your mother called me to your home.

"Thanatos, have mercy!"

You were soliloquizing and flailing your hands.

I could hear you from afar.

Your mother was delighted to see me.

When you saw me, you urged me to play the peasant girl's part.

I refused and I told you I wanted to talk to you.

I would stay the next month with my sister, and would not be able to see you for that duration.

You didn't say anything, but you supported me.

***

I know I loved you.

But I didn't have a choice.

When my sister asked me to choose between herself and you, I didn't know what to do.

So when I went to see you and got hit by a truck, I thought I would die.

I couldn't remember what had happened for the next few hours.

When I woke up, my sister was there, and so were you.

I couldn't believe you both were in the same room together.

Had you made up with each other, I asked.

But your mother intervened.

She said it was okay that I couldn't see you anymore. That one day we would meet again and take it from there. She literally told me it was okay to choose my sister over you.

You won't believe how much it hurt.

So I decided to leave the city, study elsewhere and be alone, away from both of you.

I am writing this to you now, five years after all this happened, because I can't take it now. My sister cut an artery and almost died yesterday. And I can't see you anymore, either, because I don't know how it would have turned out if I had chosen her completely instead of letting the both of you go.

It's not like I have a choice, anymore.

Yours,

P.B.

Dear Oldest friend,

I heard about your sister. I am sorry. But the thing is, she is still alive. So are we both. The past five years, I have lived a good life, even without you. But it's not like I don't remember you anymore. Whenever I read a good book, I look toward telling you what I liked about the book. There are so many moments I go to bed at night thinking what it would be like to be with you, still.

Don't worry. I understand.

It will be okay. It may take us decades, but if we are alive still, there's always a chance that we may meet and share our days together.

Your sister needs you more than me.

You do have a choice. A third option. You always will. Because I will never give up on you. My heartfelt wishes are with you. Always.

Till then.

Yours,

D.B.