Only for Today

I will not wash my hands today. Not at all. Not even thrice.

Today is perfect for it- today is THE day for it. The weather is poor and only getting worse. I've no work and no plans and plenty of food that won't dirty my fingers. I can sleep and read and watch movies and not see another soul who might notice how dirty my hands have gotten. Today is perfect for it. I've written out my plan three times and know it by heart. If I don't take the step I never will. Today is the day for it. I will not wash my hands.

I don't need to.

My hands are still red and raw from yesterday, but it's only morning. The sun is up and it feels like there's dust in my palms, but that's fine. A shower and coffee and yogurt and I'll have forgotten all about that.

A shower isn't washing my hands. I won't wash my hands in the shower.

It feels like dust on my fingers, but they've felt like that before. they've felt like worse than that before. A bit rough against the pages of my book but others treat their books far worse. I've been meaning to read this one. I love this author. I love the worlds they make and how much fun their characters all have. I can lose myself in their story and that will be my morning. Maybe after I'll even nap.

And maybe not. I just had coffee and there's dust all on my hands. I don't want to touch my sheets right now. Later, when I'm tired, that will be fine.

Later, when I'm tired, like after lunch. After a microwave meal and a shower and a movie. It feels like dirt clinging to my fingers and I can't keep doing this to my book. I love this author and the worlds they make. I can't dirty their worlds like this. A microwave meal and a shower then a movie will be fine. I can't dirty a movie. And a shower isn't washing my hands. I won't wash my hands in the shower.

I should have gotten plasticware though, standing here over the sink with silver inside. No plates or bowls at least, but I should have gotten plasticware. I shouldn't be leaving silver in the sink, but washing them would lead to washing my hands. They'll be fine until tomorrow. My plan is still fine until tomorrow. I wrote it down three times and know it by heart. I'll lie on the couch with my favorite movie and maybe even take a nap. I know the movie well enough, after all. It's long and sad at times but I know it all ends well. I can fall asleep to that.

Only on the couch though. It feels like dirt on my hands and I can't go touching my sheets like this.

Maybe not on the couch either. My hands are pale and slightly pink and it feels like there's mud all over them. The longer I'm here the worse it feels, I can't even focus on the movie. It's my favorite movie but I can't remember what happened. I'm watching from the kitchen with my hands in the sink but I'm not washing my hands. The water is off and the soap is over there and I'm not. Washing. My. Hands.

Not today. I have my plan and it's the perfect day for it and I'm almost there. I'll have dinner soon then a shower and then I'll be tired enough to sleep. A shower isn't washing my hands. I just have to not wash my hands. Never mind the flaws in my plan. Never mind that I should have gotten plasticware. One flaw won't ruin today even if I should have realized sooner. I wrote the plan down three times I should have realized sooner. It's fine. It will be fine. I'll just have dinner then a shower and I'll be fine.

Dinner just leaves me with more silver in the sink.

I should have gotten plasticware but that's fine. I'm fine. One more meal is two more pieces of silver in the sink but it's only two. That's fine. That's fine. The sink might as well be empty. I just don't need to turn the water on.

I just need to take a shower. One last shower and it'll be fine, I'll be fine. A shower isn't washing my hands, I just won't wash my hands in the shower. I just won't wash my hands. Never mind they feel like clay all dried and cracking. Never mind I'm tracking dust and dirt and mud and clay across everything I touch! It's fine it'll be fine I'm fine. I can't read I can't lay on the couch I can't touch my sheets and it's fine I'm fine. I just won't wash my hands today and I'll be fine.

One last shower and it'll be fine and I'll be fine. A shower isn't washing my hands, my pale and filthy and cracking hands and how can I touch anything with these hands? A shower isn't washing my hands I just won't wash my hands it's fine. It feels like dry and cracking clay on my hands and I can't touch a thing with my hands and I'll be fine. It's just for today so it'll be fine isn't that right? It's fine I'll be fine it'll all be fine isn't that right? Isn't that right?

It's fine it'll be fine I'll be fine it's fine I'll be fine isn't that right is it right isn't it right? One last shower isn't that right?

One last shower isn't enough. The weather is terrible outside and I haven't left home and it isn't enough. I wrote my plan out three times and I know it by heart and it isn't enough. I'm here alone over the sink with filthy hands and a setting sun and it should be fine. No one will see me touch my sheets with hands that feel like cracking clay. No one will know about I went to sleep with such hands and made such a mess. Tomorrow I'll wake up and wash my hands and sheets. That was part of my plan. That was part of my flawed flawed plan.

But no one will see and no one will know. My hands feel like sand spilling everywhere and I can't move from the sink, but no one will see. No one will know. The sun is set and I can go to sleep and wash my hands tomorrow. No one will see, no one will know, so I can go to sleep and wash my hands tomorrow.

Or. I can turn the water on and it'll all be fine.

Finally, I'll be fine.