''Six Steps To Breaking The Cycle''

Slow down and be extremely careful. If you blame your father, he could blame his father who could blame his father. We could go all the way back to Noah and blame him. After all, he’s the one who built the ark and saved the human race. If he hadn’t, your father’s father’s father’s father wouldn’t have been born and nobody would have been yelling at anybody in the first place. So is it Noah’s fault? Passing blame around can feel good at the time but I can promise you it won’t get you very far when trying to break bad habits. It actually makes things worse in the long run and causes more dysfunction and abuse to occur. Resist the urge to pass on the blame to family members, regardless of whose fault it is. Your father or other family members may have “dealt you a bad hand” in life but still, it’s up to you how you play those cards- good or bad. The actions that you follow are yours and yours only. You had no control over your parent's actions toward you- but you do have control over whether you repeat the cycle or not. Identifying toxic relationships can be surprisingly difficult, particularly when they are within your own family. No one really wants to admit there is a problem, yet the negative feelings persist and they’re real, whether acknowledged or not. The cycle of abuse does not always leave visible marks, but the verbal and emotional manipulation can be just as damaging and sometimes even harder to recover from. One of the main reasons it may be difficult to recognize toxic family relationships is that so many people find themselves in them, thus normalizing the behaviors — and you may very well end up battling traditional patterns that have been accumulating for generations. Review these family patterns closely and determine if you have experienced them in your own life, or if perhaps you are actually repeating them with your own children or family. You will not change these toxic family patterns overnight-  remember to take baby steps. Be ready to take one step forward and two steps back. Just try to control your feelings- don’t let yourself be controlled by them. If we ever hope to bring more peace into our world, we must start by ending the emotional, physical, and sexual violence that occurs in our homes. Having made the connection between childhood abuse and adult abuse and violence, we need only to expand this knowledge to help us understand the violence that occurs in our communities. For example- Children who are neglected or abused in the home are far more likely to become either bullies in school themselves or end up a victim of bullies. Many of the students who have taken up arms at school were found to have been the target of vicious bullying by their classmates. We also know that a majority of those incarcerated for violent crimes were either emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as children. Those who are mistreated tend to perpetuate a culture of violence that affects us all. Therefore, the work we do on breaking the cycle of abuse in our own families will have even greater ramifications for society as a whole. Even though many people recognize the basic existence of neglect and abuse, not enough is being done to break the cycle. Those who come from abusive or neglectful backgrounds are generally not offered specific courses or therapeutic programs that will help them to clear up the debris of their childhood before embarking on a new life with a family of their own. Most programs are offered only to those who have already begun to continue the cycle of abuse with their spouse or their own children. Sadly enough, shame is a huge factor in the continuation of the cycle of abuse. It is not only one of the emotions that cause the cycle to continue but it often prevents people from getting help. It is time to stop blaming and shaming those who do to others what was done to them. It does no good to make monsters out of those who continue the cycle of abuse. Over the years, it has become overwhelmingly clear that people don’t just “get over” child abuse. They are more likely to continue to suffer and even more likely to unknowingly pass on the abuse to other people. If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused as a child or adolescent, or if you experienced neglect or abandonment, it isn’t a question of whether you will continue the cycle of abuse or neglect, it is a question of how you will do so—whether you will become an abuser yourself or continue to be a victim. Although this may sound unnecessarily negative to some, it is the truth; it’s reality. Research clearly shows that those who have been abused either absorb abuse or pass it on. In the past few decades, studies on abuse and family assaults strongly suggest that abused children often grow up to become abusers themselves and that children who are victims of violence grow up to become violent adults. It’s truly a vicious cycle and these six simple steps can get you well on your way to breaking the generational toxic family patterns that you’ve grown to know and even normalize. The good news is- Can you break the cycle? Absolutely.

Step #1- Awareness! Become aware of your family’s destructive patterns. This is the very first step in moving toward healthy functioning. You can’t teach what you don’t know, and you can’t change what you’re not aware of. Any environment that includes blaming, punishing, controlling, criticism, dismissal, or any other form of abuse may be red flags that indicate a toxic family system. Sometimes family members may start blaming other people for their problems and refuse to take accountability if the problems are indeed their fault. These people usually see themselves as the victim and refuse to accept any responsibility for their mistakes or wrongdoing. Others may not even know they’re misplacing the blame- Each family and situation is different- but awareness & accountability are key!  

Step #2- Once you become aware of these toxic patterns- Take ownership of them when admissible. Understand that you are responsible for your own actions, attitudes, beliefs, and emotions. Whether you know all your flawed ways or not, take responsibility for the ones that you do know exist. If you don’t hold yourself accountable, who will? Without accountability, there can be no change. This is so very crucial. The first step to getting anywhere is to decide you are not willing to stay where you are!

Step #3- Observe & Compare. Deliberately observe and compare other families’ interactions with how your family handles similar situations. Have you noticed other families who differ greatly from your own? Maybe, they don’t overreact to anything it seems or perhaps they speak their minds. They might listen to each other and actually hear one another. Maybe none of these actions are how your family connected. That’s what makes it seem so foreign to you. What do they do? How do they interact? What do they believe and how do they behave? What makes them different and more stable or healthy? Asking yourself these questions is essential to understanding the toxic habits of your family unit.  

Step #4- Educate Yourself! Do Google searches on:

·        The rules of dysfunctional family systems

·        Family roles or scripts

·        What it means to be the: Addict, Enabler, Hero, Scapegoat, Clown or the Lost Child. Figure out which one sounds like you.

·        Codependency/enabling

·        Adult children of alcoholics-even if there was no alcohol in your house

·        Boundaries in relationships

·        Signs somebody may be manipulating another in a relationship

As you read, identify the things that relate to you and things that may match events from your own life story. Take notes along the way on ways to change the unhealthy things you learned as an adolescent. When doing so- ask yourself these questions:

1.   What is healthy in a friendship? What is healthy in a relationship?

2.   How am I supposed to treat a person of the opposite sex?

3.   What is my belief system?

4.    How do I think? What do I think?

5.   What assumptions do I have, and what opinions do I embrace?

Evaluate your present relationships- All of them. Are they going smoothly and benefiting both parties? Do you know what healthy boundaries are, and do you maintain them? How would the other members of your family answer these same questions? When asking yourself these questions- keep in mind  the main goal of becoming aware of and changing the dysfunctional ways you learned as a child.

Step #5- Practice! After all, healthy living is something learned through experiment & experience. Awareness and understanding may be your starting point but from there- it’s practice, practice, practice. With practice of course comes “trial and error” -which means there will be some “errors” in your practicing. That’s normal; it’s OKAY! This brings us to the last step.

Step #6- Be patient! Be patient with yourself and with others; patience is so important when trying to accomplish anything in life but extra important when trying to unlearn everything you’ve been taught to believe is normal. Don’t forget to believe in yourself along the way. If you don’t believe in yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others treat you. Love yourself first- The world will follow.

When raising a family, you’re not condemned to repeat how your parents parented you. You don’t have to be a professional in healthy living before you pass on practical and healthy relationship patterns to the next generation. All you need to be is one step ahead of where they are. It takes just one generation to turn the tables- That’s all — just one! Start here. Start now. It’s never too late to move from dysfunction to function. Never!