Nadine's reality or make believe

I'll confess I do talk to myself in my head. I like to consider it thinking out loud to me, myself, and I. Well, it does give me sort of an audience. I also like to bring this to your attention. Baby Boomers were not born into this technology lifestyle. Watching my youngest grandchild flip and swipe a phone or tablet like nobody's business is amazing. I guess they have an advantage, and I'm glad for our future.

I realize the way we word ourselves on social media may not be the same in person. I know there's exceptions for every situation. So, to say to each their own,may just about cover it

So here we go again, Lola, Janna, Esther, Agnes, and I. Is it me or them? I'm constantly praying for my dysfunctional or unhealthy behavioral family. Let's say we all have a part in this, just like having our own cross to bear. I'm just chilling and keeping my peace intact. I don't read the sisters' group text anymore. I’ll finally get the chance to change my storyline once I get closure. Right now, I'm just going with my gut feelings. Using my brain gives me headaches when it comes to my sisters.

I called Lolaa a while back. While talking, I mentioned a text from Esther. It went something like this.

"Good morning, beautiful sisters. Who is the one getting their grilling on? Big Sis, Baby Sis, Sister Janna, or Bucket 🪣. Nadine, that's what Uncle Silas would call you. What was the reason he called you bucket 🪣 when we were growing up? Text us or sis duo us and share it with us today on this Labor Day. You all have a great day. I love you, you, you, and you. Stay safe, my beautiful sisters 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️ and you all are blessed in your own beautiful way. 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️"

Wow, Esther, wow! Okay girl. What a pleasant greeting for everyone except me? Bucket was not my all-time nickname. If I accepted it, which I didn't when we were younger. It would've been understandable. In our recent phone conversation, you kept saying I should call Agnes.I kept trying to tell you she really hurt me. Were you even listening to what I was saying? I'm not asking you to pick sides, okay? I just prefer you to be real with me. Is that too much to ask for Esther?

Let's say it went this way. Ring ring, Agnes picked up the phone. I'll say, hello Agnes. I'm calling because it's so important to Esther. In our conversation about you. I asked her if she remembered all the fun things you and I did growing up. Esther told me she was right there with us. My mind went a little blank cause I didn't remember her there. I just wanted to see if Esther could understand my point of view. This is the second time we are having a disagreement when texting Agnes. Esther was 100% for you girl. To make a long story short it seems like nobody cares for my pain but me. Since I do, we can not pass it off as agreeing to disagreeing. I'm a human being that deserves to be treated right. I believe this for everyone on this planet. Respecting each other's feelings is important. I have grown to accept this for the realness that it is. I feel the sisterhood doesn't really back me when I'm disrespected. They may have a hard time if they call you out Agnes, I don't, I'm finally at the point of my life to accept the things I can't change. I'm not calling to change you. It's enough in one's life to change yourself. I will never stop loving and caring for my family. I refuse to be the dumping ground. I'll keep praying for a solution. In time there may be peace and understanding for us all. That the end of my call that never happened.

Anyway, I mentioned to Lola about the bucket. She said, " It's right there." Wow! That's funny because that's what Esther say. I didn't quite understand what she meant. I believe I had a baby boomer moment. So, with my bright mind, I do a text. Spelling out bucket, and what do you know? A blue bucket appears. Yes, Lola is absolutely correct. It is right there, but it won't be in the text messages unless I put it there. Wow, Lola, wow! Okay, girl. Really she even honored me with two buckets. She was really feeling herself right there.

My uncle Silas did give me the nickname Bucket. Uncle Silas was our Aunt Margaret's husband. She raised us when our parents passed. The five of us went down south to live with them. I was nine going to fourth grade. Us siblings are either two or three years apart. The oldest was Norman. He passed the year before Covid hit. I really miss you, Bro. 

So here's my last text on the sister's text. I wasn't reading their text messages. I guess it was a calling or something. I directed it to Esther and sent her two gifts. One was a Bucket List. The other was a smiley face saying, "You're on my list of things to do soon." 

I texted, "You know what Esther? Uncle Silas never told me why, but that's not the point. 

Everyone can now have a bucket list. I think that's exciting. My game name is really Butter Bucket. Your Tweeter Tweeter used to tease me. "I want rolls, I want jelly, I want butter on my rolls." All good ends good. LOVE TO ALL!

Okay so, Tweeter-Tweeter is what we call a bestie today. My aunt would pair us five. Lola and Janna, Agnes and I. That would leave Esther and Aunt Margaret. 

Esther called me the same day I sent my last text. I felt her pain after our conversation. I realized something else I heard. "Hurt people hurt people ". I'm not going to take this any further. It's truthful when you're on the receiving end. I definitely know this from life experiences. Everyone may need

healing sometimes. The problem may occur when we don’t realize we're hurting. 

Let's regroup okay. I'm not one to be tick for tack. This is not my journey to evaluate my sisters. I have serious feelings because I was mistreated. I kept silent for years upholding older siblings. Thinking they had my best interests in heart. I'm not saying they are evil doers. Let's say my prize is being the black sheep. Well this black sheep has a whole new attitude and her own personal way of thinking. 

I have been told I was found on the doorsteps by my older siblings. I remember watching television a fews weeks ago on Judge Mathis. Three sisters were on his show and one said these exact words. All this time I thought my siblings invented the doorsteps foundation. I wanted to laugh but it hit a nerve. As baby boomers we have to go back to get our feelings in order. I'm too sensitive, sure maybe. I'm not going to change. I will rather become more cautious. I'm tired and too old to keep taking people's bull shit, family included.