Every Miracle Is A Blessing

There I was again, slowly walking with my arms crossed to look out the window. Watching the snow piled on top of each other, one flake after the other. This winter storm didn't seem as if it was going to ease up as I hoped for. Although, home was the last place I wanted to be. 

My husband and I flight has been delayed for over two hours now. I slowly made my way back to where my husband and I were sitting, which was at gate B30. Howard’s eyes stayed glued to the departure screen as the delay time for our flight continued to climb by the minute until it had finally touched the three hour mark.

“I’m going to get another coffee”,  Howard said standing up. “Would you like anything?”

“No thanks”, I replied in a modest tone.

Things were tense between Howard and I. Two nights ago he had asked me for a legal separation. I was speechless. He believed it was the best thing for us to do since our relationship has been rocky for almost a year. He is determined to start the documentation immediately once we fly back home to Chicago. It feels as if he is trying to write me off right before the new year.  This delay at JFK airport is calming my nerves down somewhat. I have this gut feeling that once I was off the plane back home, my life was suddenly going to change for the worse. Howard and I have been through everything together and I wasn’t sure how I could live a life without him. He’s all that I know. The only person I've ever been with. Our lives were at a standstill because he is ready to start a family and I am not. I’ve finally been promoted into the position that I deserved and worked so hard for. I am the Marketing Vice President for one of the most prestigious automobile companies in the USA. I am just not ready to give up on all the hard work that I've done to focus on starting a family. I’ve just started to feel good about myself and what I am currently accomplishing. I would like a few more years to achieve more personal goals and career goals before starting a family. 

Howard came over and sat back into his seat with his small hot cup of coffee that was probably made with two creams and one sugar. He’s been ordering the same coffee order for as long as I’ve known him. I however prefer tea over coffee. I figured it was time for me to strike a conversation since we haven't spoken much since being at the airport. 

“The snow is really coming down.” 

“Yup”, Howard sighed. “You just keep gazing out the window”, he replied, resting one leg on top of the other.

He just sat there continuing to read his book. He refused to make eye contact with me. I watched as he slowly sipped his coffee and placed it back in the cup holder.

“Howard, can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Would you rather-

ATTENTION ALL JFK PASSAGES. ALL FLIGHTS ARRIVING TO JFK ARE EXPERIENCING SIGNIFICANT DELAYS DUE TO THE WEATHER CONDITIONS! PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT BOARDING WILL BE DELAYED ONCE ALL FLIGHTS ARRIVE DUE TO THE SNOW ELEVATION! Thank you and happy holidays.

Howard continued to have his face buried in his mystery-suspense book during the announcement. Seeing as though he did not want to be bothered or interested in anything I was going to say, I decided to bite my tongue and figured it was best not to make things worse.

Several minutes went by and I was back up staring out the window watching the snowflakes continue to fall. I can’t believe it’s Christmas Eve and here we are stuck at the airport barely speaking. We were only in New York to attend a college friend’s wedding. Howard believed that our friend's wedding was inconvenient and inconsiderate being that they chose to marry right before the Christmas holiday. I don't agree nor disagree. It's just unfortunate that I couldn't be as happy as I should have been because hours before the wedding Howard asked for the legal separation. If anything, that was the most inconsiderate thing to do before our friends said their vows. It took so much of my joy and excitement away that I had for them.

I walked back to my seat. Sitting with my arms crossed fiddling my fingers.

“How many times are you going to look out the window?” 

“I don’t know. I’m just doing it to pass the time.”

“Hhhmm”, Howard paused and rested his book on his lap. “Maybe you should shop around some stores while they’re still open. That should keep you occupied until our flight gets here.”

“I guess you’re right. Browsing around wouldn’t hurt. Thanks for the suggestion. I will be right back.”

Bright lights, Christmas music, happy children. However, I was in a somber mood. As much as I loved shopping I couldn’t focus on shopping for clothes, shoes or even accessories. All I wanted was for my husband to not file for this legal separation when we are back home. What could I do to win him back? How can I change his mind? I’m so desperate to not lose him. After all, we've been together for nine years. Married for four years. We have been friends since high school. How can I save my marriage? Am I ready to call a truce and have children? Maybe I don’t feel ready because I’m not pregnant yet?  Maybe I could take some parenting classes before I become pregnant to be more comfortable or to feel more structured before pregnancy so that I can know what to expect. 

BUMP! THUD! 

Suddenly, I was touching the floor. My eyes were being covered by my brunette curls. My palms were open on the floor with one knee on the ground and one knee off the ground. 

“Move lady! How many times  am I going to have to say it?” 

“Hey you have no right to shove someone!”, someone shouted. 

I struggled to get up from off the floor. 

“Hey there let me help you up” , the unknown voice said, reaching a hand out to me. 

“ Thank you, so much”, I responded. 

“No problem. That was very rude of that woman to push you. I get we’re all flustered because of the flight delays however, that gives no reason for someone to become physically because they are upset.”

“I didn’t realize I was standing in her way. I was in the wrong. I should have apologized to her. Anyway, I really appreciate you for helping me up and defending me.” 

“Please don’t get offended by this but I’m a licensed therapist, here is my card,” the woman began digging in her purse to hand me her business card. 

“Please reach out for any questions or concerns. I offer advice for free. I’ve been in the field for over twenty-three years. I can tell you’re going through something very deep and emotional. I noticed that you were spacing out in the crowd. Please reach out to me when you need to. Also don’t be so formal about it just call me Kimberly. I dislike when people call me Doctor Kimberly, it takes away from the experience because people put doctors on a pedestal. I'm a regular mother, daughter and wife like everyone else.” 

“Kimberly, thank you so much. Please have a safe flight when it comes. By the way my name is Emily.”

“You too dear. I hope to hear from you”, she said with a big smile across her face.

We then went our separate ways. 

I decided that it was time for me to get back to Howard. As I was walking back I noticed that the flight was delayed even more pre the announcement earlier. Our flight was now arriving after midnight. Howard and I have been waiting at the airport since 6:30 pm. Not only was I growing miserable as the time went on I was becoming cranky, tired and more irritable. I barely have an appetite at this time. The only things I consumed this afternoon was a banana and  blueberry muffin and drank 16 oz bottled water after I passed through TSA. Maybe that’s why I was starting to feel more down.   

I headed over to the window again. I noticed the snow was piling up even more. It had to be at least four-inches. The snow was coming down harder  and at a faster frequency than the last time I checked. At this rate I’m scared we will be snowed in JFK airport. Chicago is probably having a worse snow day than New York. I sat back down next to Howard empty handed as presumed. 

“How did shopping go?”

“I didn’t see anything that piqued my interest?”

“Shocking!” Howard replied sarcastically.

“Wow, what is that supposed to mean?” I said with a grouchy tone. 

“Just saying normally you run crazy with my money but shopping on yours always seems to be less than expensive.”

“Howard, listen! I know that at this time we are not very thrilled with one another but please don’t insult me. I’ve been trying my best to keep more money in our pockets. I want this marriage to work."

“Yes, I am aware that you want this marriage to continue. You’re doing everything to hold yourself accountable but your actions are speaking louder than your words at times Emily. I want you to fully understand and acknowledge what it means to be a partnership again. We are not seeing eye to eye and I feel that I have been more than compromising for you. We need a break”, Howard said looking me straight into my eyes.  

“A legal separation is not a break. It’s almost as if you want this marriage to go into ruins. I don’t even know what to do without you! All I know is you. What happened to our vows? For better or for worse. You want to be away from me because you're falling out of love with me. Is that it?” 

“No. I want your head to be clear. I want you to take time away from me to discover if I’m really who you want to be with? We agreed years ago that at this time you would consider being a mother. You know I am eager to start a family. I’m 35! I’m not getting any younger and neither are you”, Howard scolded pointing his index finger at me.

“Howard- I’m sorry. I’m sorry I'm just not ready to be a mother. I am not ready to put my career on hold to build this perfect family that you imagine. I’m sorry that I’m not the wife you expected me to be. I’m just so sorry”, I stated as my eyes filled up with years.

My heart was beating at a rate that I’ve never experienced before. Was I about to go into cardiac arrest? I jumped from my seat and headed straight to the ladies room. I ran into the first stall that was available, slamming the door to kneel over crying into the toilet. My eyes and nose were flushed with liquid. My head was pounding. I began to feel hot! I started to sweat. Was I about to faint? I felt myself feeling dizzy. Both my knees are touching  the floor as my arms are on top of the toilet as my head leaned inside. Then I remembered meeting Kimberly. I dug into my back pocket to retrieve the business card. I sent her a text to meet me in the bathroom near gate B30 and that I was in the first stall on the right. 

I heard a knock at the door a couple minutes later. I opened the door and hugged Kimberly. She placed her hand on my back. I cried more with my head on her chest.

“I’m here dear. I’m here. You don’t have to talk. Just hold me”. 

I listened not because she told me to but, Kimberly had a very familiar scent, it was the same smell as my mother. My mom wore the same perfume everyday until she became bedridden after my wedding to Howard. The last day I hugged her while she was wearing this perfume. I felt like I was hugging my mother. Kimberly was very kind and gentle like mom and most importantly, she created an atmosphere that made me feel safe.   

“Thank you. Thank you so much. I really needed this”, I said sobbing.

“Listen dear. I’m here for you. You remind me of my daughter Ella. She passed away last Christmas exactly at midnight in a drunk driving accident. She passed in the ambulance on her way to the hospital. I wish I had one last chance to tell her I loved her and I was proud of her. Being with you at this moment feels like God is giving me the chance to feel bliss again. Your hair is brunette like hers with a similar curl pattern and hazel eyes. I’ve never stumbled across a woman who looked similar to her since her passing.”

“Kimberly, I'm sorry about your daughter.”

“It’s okay dear, she is with God now. The good Lord has sent us to one another because he knew we needed each other. As I was walking over my watch read midnight on the dot. This is no coincidence dear. This is a Christmas I won’t forget.”

Kimberly made me feel so welcome, it's as if I belong with her at this time. It all felt so surreal. I started to smile as I continued hugging Kimberly. It felt good to feel safe and also to feel like I was close with my mother again. I won’t ever forget this Christmas day.