My Cage of Safety

Sometimes, I feel as though I have different spirits in my head and none of them like this body or the combined person they have become. The pressure to satisfy all of them would have been the end of me. They would’ve consume me whole while they are set free to enter the mind and torture another. With their all consuming thoughts they combine in the cruelest ways in order to drive some of the strongest souls insane, my soul just barely enough to keep me afloat for another few years. Only until they split into the proper form, separate from one another, will they finally take the power they so desperately crave. For now, they rest in my head; their conflicting desires eating away at each other and praying for my demise.

One spirit is constantly nagging about the accomplishments I could achieve. If I worked hard enough, I could be a successful writer or a famous tennis star. “If you keep giving your all, you will achieve the greatest feats” it promises me at the cost of my health, sleep, and mind. When I don’t achieve that impossible standard, even when giving my all, it keeps my mind busy with comments of hate. “You're just not good enough,” it says. “You just need to try harder,” it says.

Another spirit loves to clash with the first. Always fighting to keep the standard to something possible. It always tells me I’m good enough. It never wins. I wish it won more. Maybe then I could have a personal life and friends.

The third spirit loves to think and think. This one reminds me of the emotions I felt before. All the buts, ums and likes. All the betrayals, the breakdowns, the embarrassment and failures, but never the successes. I remember when no one laughed at my jokes, and I remember when I tripped on my own feet. I remember the times when I forgot someone’s name, but I don’t remember the awards I’ve won, the feats I have managed to achieve.

I am tied down by these thoughts in my head that make up my brain. The only way to escape is to fill my mind with meaningless junk. Mindless scrolling through the ends of TikTok fills my brain, so I can’t think of anything else.

I trap myself in a cage so that the spirits do not get to me. This cage has a physical manifestation, but only to distinguish the safe zone. It’s dark, but not the scary kind of dark. It’s the kind of dark when you close your eyes for a brief second. You know nothing can get you, and all that’s there is warmth.

In my cage the walls feel tight, almost touching me, yet they do not feel like they are closing in on me. They feel like a thin sheet of ice, barely holding me above the water. The absence of smell makes time stop, there is nothing to smell, do, or take care of. The headphones by the side of me keep the sounds or thoughts of the outside world out while filling my brain for a moment. A precious small moment when the voices stop.

When I become hungry, the thought of leaving my sanitary never occurs to me. That would mean leaving my safety, leaving my home for the monsters outside. This cage of safety is the halftime of the football game of my life. When I get overwhelmed, I can reboot in my cage of safety. The outside world doesn’t understand. They tease and torture anyone they can get their grubby little hands on.

I have never fully succumbed to the monsters outside of my little space, however, if I do, no one would ever hear from me again. Sometimes I wonder if exiting this cage will lead to my doom, but if I don’t exit, people will know something is wrong. Perhaps that is the scariest thing of all.

I remember a time where I almost saw hell's glistening gateway waiting for me. My mind almost collapsing in on itself. The spirits driving each other crazy, their plan for my demise almost working out. The thoughts in my head screaming for me to end their suffering. But, I took a few deep breaths, walked into my cage of safety, shut the door, officially closing off myself from the outside world, and I filled my mind with noises so the spirits don’t talk for a while. It was truly magic. I could hesitantly spread my wings outside my cage while keeping the spirits at bay. It was a system reboot. That is, until the thoughts start to creep up on me, their drive for power making my mind sway like a seesaw.

I can’t believe I found such a perfect place to relax. One day I realized my little nook could store more than just my extra stuff, it could fit a fluffy rug and beanbag. I started to use it more day by day, realizing its true purpose to me soon after. If I had not discovered my sanctuary at the time I did, I fear I would not be here to write these words. I am grateful to be here now, sharing what saved me. The conflicting feelings in my mind sometimes get the better of me. They twist me into situations only a contortionist could get out of.

My favorite place is not a typical place, but it’s so important to me. Its purpose in my life is too great to ever be replaced. Sometimes I wish my favorite place was something simple like a beach or an ice cream shop. I wish I didn’t need to close myself off to calm down, but those so-called spirits also make me me. I couldn’t have it any other way. If I removed those spirits, I would remove my very essence. It is my life, and even if that life gets hard or stressful, I know I will always have my favorite place, my cage of safety, my sanctuary