I cried, but you were too busy!

I come from a nation of violence; it’s the only way my country knows how to communicate. We kill; slowly, violently and consistently. So when I checked out of the breaking news gossip mill years ago, as my first steps in adolescence, I naturally stopped conforming to the tumbleweed mentality, little did I know the price for this was so unbelievably high.

Hi, my name is Isabel, I’m twelve years old and I am facing the battle of my life. I have an abdominal tumor the size of Texas; whether the cancer has spread we cannot say for sure as hospitals in this town are close to worthless! God bless that sweet doctor of mine, recent graduate and obvious over achiever, trying not to screw this up. That being said, the school boy found an organization that would be willing to help my parents pay for my stay at proper hospital in Uganda’s capital, were a doctor has very good outcomes in treating my condition, that is, if my parents can convince the tribe’s king to allow this.

To methodically comprehend the complexity of my story, I, Isabel would have to tell you more about my country and tribe.

South-West Uganda is beautiful; living is simple and painful, simple in the sense that days were almost identical, painful in a sense that we contend with nature and sometimes nature won. Living as “un-contacted” people we had our own sense of things. Life is compartmentalized into three values; the earth, our community and your family.

This was, until my thirteenth birthday.

I wake up; hours in the day have vanished into nothingness. The last thing I remember is walking to the king’s house for blessings and instruction on my coming of age ceremony. The taste in my mouth is weird, my head and my thinking capacity is oddly compromised, I blink my eyes, slowly and then more violently as my sight clears. Its late afternoon and I look down to see my dress is filthy. I attempt a step in an effort to walk, my body slowly remembers.

Where am I? The setting sun makes this difficult but I see the path that takes me back to my village. What in God’s name am I doing all the way at the rivers end? How did I get here? I’m running at this point to avoid being here at night time for fear of gorillas. My inner things hurt, my vagina is tender and so are my inner thighs. Still trying to comprehend, I stop. Ahhh it must be my period, relieved about the now explained pain, I start jogging again, the last stretch to my village ahead of me.

I push through the sheet hanging at the entrance of my home and my mother wide eyes me. Isabel where have you been? Your father has gone to king’s house to find you, talk to me!

Mamma I don’t know, I woke up at rivers end with pain and I can’t remember how I got there. I swear I have no idea what happened.

At this point my father enters the house, a mixture of fear and anger in his eyes; he grabs my shoulders and shakes me as he screams. My words fall on deaf ears, but deep inside me something stirs, I can’t remember but my gut says my farther knows something more than the fear he is trying to conceal.

Mama instructs me to take a bath as she follows my farther outside. The lukewarm water is heaven to my body! I look down. No blood! That is really strange.

                                             _

Isabel, wake up, you are going to work with me today! Papa’s voice startles me from a restless slumber. But Papa, I voice my objection in the vain hope that I could overrule my dad in this moment, I have traditional clothes to complete for my coming of age ceremony today, to this my father almost exploded! Isabel, do not push me dear, get dressed you are coming with me! I will explain to master why you need to be there today.

I accompanied my father to his place of employment that day and for two more months after.

                                             _

We stop in front of the house. Go in and wash your hands Isabel supper is in an hour says papa as I walk towards home I feel nausea wash over me, I hold it in until the closest bush and let my insides fall to the floor, like a smelly waterfall. There you go tree! Isabel, are you okay?

Yes, I think maybe the sun got to me today. Okay dear go inside wash up and have something to eat.

Mama, papa and I sit together and eat in silence, and for the first time I understand something my youth never allowed me to comprehend before...Shame and responsibility.

Inhale: Let me tell you about mama and papa.

I am the only child to John and Christina Odoki. My parents; sweet, kindhearted, gullible in the most respectful kind of way, rule followers! Sigh, this makes my future rebellion a pretty big scandal, but as I was saying I’m fighting for my right to survive.

My father is a carpenter; he makes the most beautiful furniture, rubs my tummy when I’m ill and grabs mama and dances whenever he feels like it. Papa is fifty eight years old. Grumpy old man!

My mother, at forty two, is still handsome. She has lost all her back teeth and cannot chew meat so good. This always creates a laugh dinner time. Christina is never amused. The sun is her absolute favourite thing. She is a dark beauty!

A moment passes.

Isabel take a bath and I’ll bring you some herbs for you tummy. A few minutes later mama entered my room took some soap and started to wash my back. Isabel, she said in a gentle tone, when was the last time you had your period?

Mmm I can’t remember mama maybe one week before my accident.

Mama lifts a cup of herbs and hot water and instructs me to drink.

Get dressed and into bed! Night dear!

John, she’s pregnant! That ape raped our baby and now she is pregnant!

Christina says hysterically as her husband hugs her. In his embrace Christina hears her husbands’ heart beat violently.

Like an animal at rivers end they left her! Christina look at me, you need to be strong for her, she cannot know yet, we need a plan!

-

Four months since the river incident has passed, I still travel with papa to work every day, he speaks to me less and less; it feels like something is wrong. Mama has become obsessed with feeding me. I rarely see Otis anymore and I feel alone. My body is a war zone, I feel uncomfortable and my belly feels hard. 

Papa and I stop at the house after work and as we walk in the King is seated. Papa stops and I see his face flinch. King, what an honour. Papas tone cold! Yes, we missed you and your family John. You never attended the last elders gathering, and Isabel over here missed her coming of age ceremony. Just as the King steps forward to touch my forehead my father instinctively steps in-front of me.

Uhm John, there is a very important tourist group coming in a month and the elders and I decided that it would be good for you to represent Batwa on this day. Papas chest suddenly puffs up.

What just happened, the atmosphere shifted, Isabel’s hearts starts to race and her skin crawls, a flashback... my feet dragging on the ground...Black.

I’d be delighted to king.

Good! Come by later to discuss details.

I’m in bed when my father comes back home, I hear the faint whispers of my mother and father’s conversation, and the only words I can distinctively here is, he proposes marriage Christina, and says sorry!

                                   _

I sit, I wait, I watch! My parents move past me; I feel something growing, I tell them something is wrong, they tell me everything is okay, I know it’s not! I hear the words marriage to the king, I do not understand, I am petrified. I am thirteen years old now. In my heart I know the king is a bad man. I know he has done something to me, I cannot fully remember. The tourist day arrives my father says I should come along; I do as I am told. I smile, I notice one woman’s constant eye on me, I smile, I smile some more.

The woman approaches me.

How old are you?

The translator with the group interprets to which I respond thirteen years old.

Are you in school?

I do not attend school.

Do your parents teach you?

I am to marry the king.

Oh you are married, and how far along are you? This woman says as she touches my belly.

No, I am sick, something is growing.

No dear you look about...

At this moment my father interjects perceiving the moment from a few meters away.

Oh hello, is this your daughter?

Yes, she is, her name is Isabel.

Isabel tells me she’s married and pregnant.

No, I am sick, Isabel states louder this time!

My father gives off a nervous laugh. No, she is not married.

Let’s take a walk up this way to the...

So her belly is a growth? She is really ill? Do you have any idea what’s wrong with her?

Time suddenly slows down, and each second feels like a minute and John knows, he has one of two choices, either he admits Isabel is sick or admits she is pregnant and risks exposing the king and places shame on Batwa! Each decision comes with its own set of complications and consequences and the determined look on this woman face, tells John that he has no choice but to answer.

Instantly choosing to not shame his tribe to the outside world and by extension himself and his daughter John says,

yes my daughter has had this growth in her belly and we are not sure what to make of it. Her mother and I have been very worried!

Hearing this Isabel, bursts into tears.

Conversation between papa and tourist lady, Anne results in her coming back tomorrow and taking us to the doctor, and I’m given permission to visit Otis for the afternoon

I, Isabel knew someone would listen, thank you God for sending the tourist lady!

Otis and I swim in the river, he asks about my belly and I tell him about being sick and that the tourist lady has agreed to help mama and papa. I tell Otis about marriage plans to the King and how I hate him.

We swim some more and Otis tells me that his older sister is five months pregnant. The baby kicks like a soccer player, he says with the greatest delight, by late afternoon we part ways with a big bear hug.

That was the last day I ever saw Otis!

As I walk home I realized what a huge burden I’ve been carrying, I’ve been blaming myself for everything...and then it happens

A kick!

In my belly!

...Otis words hit me like a wrecking ball, “my sister is five months pregnant and the baby kicks like a soccer player”.

It happens again, I place my hand over my belly!

The reality of what happened comes to me like a wormhole...

I’m on the chair he offers me a drink, I feel funny, I’m on his bed, he touches me and calls me darling, I’ve been watching you, I’ve been wanting you, I feel his wet mouth over mine as he takes off my undergarment, I feel him, the pain is excruciating and I scream, he places his hand over my mouth and continues, over and over and over.

I feel funny; he forces me to drink something again. I remember being dragged. I wake up at rivers end.

My fathers brother...Rape!

My mind scans the past few weeks, he speaks of marriage...papa says. My father knew, mama knew. My knees get weak and the reality of this betrayal overwhelms my body. Vomit escapes my month as I fall to the floor. I stay low; sobbing as the sadness of this betrayal becomes anger. I get to my feet, my hatred aimed directly at my parent’s hearts.

I step into the house, the fury of God in my voice. I look mama and papa in their eyes as I scream at the top of my lungs.

You knew I was pregnant! You knew what he did to me! I burst into tears, my father steps toward me but I raise my hand in objection. When you had to comfort and protect, you placed this stupid tribe before my well-being.

Isabel we...

Save it! I don’t want to hear another lie come out of your mouth. You disgust me!

Silence filled the air for a long minute.

Calmer, I speak with a tone that says don’t dare challenge me. Tomorrow I go with the tourist and I am sick! That story does not change.

I spent the entire night crying! I could not believe the betrayal. I could not believe I was pregnant! I could not believe I was only thirteen.

                                            -

The doctor looks about twelve years old. He inspects my belly and frowns.

So Isabel, can you tell me exactly when you first felt something was wrong?

It started after my disappearance. I’ve been nauseous everyday for two months, then I felt better, but my body still felt weird and by...

I knew I had to be the victim, I knew that my parents had done the unimaginable but that the only way out was to pretend.

Okay then I cannot do blood test but let me take a look with this special machine.

Mmm Isabel, the doctor says, you do have something growing but it is not cancer, you are almost five months pregnant.

He let that sit for a while.

Five months! I thought so, said Anne.

Is this why your daughter said she was getting married?

The doctor interrupts, unfortunately that is not all, the ultrasound shows a birth defect, you will need special attention or risk dying at child birth and sadly the prognosis for this type of deformity in children can be fatal.

Anne and my father start asking questions...and my mind goes blank.

Die after child birth; I don’t know how to feel!

Buzzing...where was I, oh yes. Hi, I am Isabel and I am currently in the fight for my life, but as previously thought not from cancer but from living a cancerous life, married to a cancerous man, not being who God intended me to be. So I pushed...

My mind snaps back when I hear the doctor speak of his friend a doctor in the capital of Uganda who could ensure safe delivery because he was more qualified and hospital better equipped to deal with special deliveries, he would need to make some calls, then before we can answer doc is on the telephone.

Anne looked at my parents and then said she will help with travel to the capital and my father responds by saying he needs to ask the king permission. They are all is hustle mode, as I try to absorb, no one asks me how I feel!

                                       _

From here on the days blurred together, I was watched, mama stayed with me and papa went back home to work, visiting whenever he could. My pregnancy became increasingly difficult as I watched my childhood die right in front of me. My heart grew cold and angry at the injustice I suffered. Night times I had nightmares and having the male doctor touch me at times was a struggle. My little heart could not find peace and could not stop being angry.

My labour and birthing was worst! After 14 hours of labour a baby boy was placed in my arms with less than 24 hours to live. Daniel Odoki died a day later and so did I.

We drove home then next day. Mama prepares food. I pack all that’s dear to me in a sheet!

We sit and eat in silence.

Night time is quiet and stars are beautiful as I wait for mama and papa to sleep. Brave with rage I take the box of matches I stole while at the hospital. I exit my once safe home, pick up a stick and tie one of my skirts onto the top. I light the material so I can see where I am going. The king not far away, peacefully asleep! I sneak up quietly and crouch as I light the straw of his hut, first at the entryway and then all around.

Its incredible how quickly straw burns!

I thought I heard a scream as walked away but I didn’t care. I didn’t care if he lived or died. I needed him to feel, to be sorry, to have a mark that would never go away. It was at this moment I vowed to take my life back; I was thirteen I had lost my innocence, the respect for tradition, for community, for family. The simplicity and fairness of life was ripped from me and replaced with tragedy, injustice and betrayal, but that was then and this, this is now!