I AM NOT A QUITTER

I AM NOT A QUITTER

Hello.

Amy saw Logan off to work, and then she went back into bed for a few more hours.

.

I slept some earlier. I have no idea what time it was when I went into the bedroom. I don’t even remember going into the bedroom. But I woke up there, at 12 midnight. Wide awake. It’s cold and snowing. It’s going to be an awful week, weather wise. Low, temps with snow and ice. Windchills will be unbearable (for some). That is why Amy is not going to make any plans. Besides Monday.

And Tuesday.

Lol.

Dentist and Dr. Suess. Easy, appointments. A small filling and a check-in appointment with her head doctor from Tecumseh. They are both video visits, so I don’t have to leave the comfort of my freezing cold trailer.

Yay.

Yep.

It’s that time of year when only half of the tailer stays semi-warm. She moves back and forth throughout the day to keep warm.. Example…

She sits at the table by the out-door.

Brr…

(no insulation on this side)

Time, to move. The cold cuts right through the glass so she goes to the counter-top bar to sit. The heater vent sits right at her feet. Maybe over, a bit. After a few she is ready to move back to the other side. Be-cause…

She’s hot.

A forever pit-stop.

There is a big nest in the tree across the river. Its big, so I can see the door to get in.

The roof is covered with snow. I can’t tell if tit is creepy, or cool.

Hmmm…

Maybe a crow.

Probably a crow.

Maybe an eagle.

4:47PM.

I just woke up from a nap. Boy, did that feel nice. It’s been awhile since I had a nap. It was on the couch because I attempted, to sit and watch a little tv. She fell asleep eating chocolate and woke up with half of it on her face. Typical. There was even a little bit on her neck. Lol.

A fucking mess.

I was going to put some food in the oven, but I decided against it when I woke up late. It was a simple decision. A fend for yourself night. Simple-simple.

A good night, for cereal.

Golden Crisps?

Tonight it is quiet. Jason is in bed. The television is off. Yay. And Logan, he is in his room. Now he’s making a, God damned sandwich. Says, he.

Lol.

Speaking of…

I’m hungry. Tired, too. It was a long, cold day yesterday.

Good morning. It’s 4:12 right now. It was about 3:30 when she got up. It was after Jason left for work. After three, but before four.

5:55.

An odd number to land on.

Literally.

The plans today are a little bit different from the normal. First of all, it’s snowing.

Everything is white. Even the nest in the tree. It looks like a, bird igloo. There is quite a few inches ot there. It’s not melting away anytime soon. either. High today. of, eighteen degrees. Colder tomorrow. But let’s get through today first. Brr…

Brr…

Brr. The wind chill is crazy cold. If it were up to me, I would go nowhere but there are places she needs to be. Dentist at 5:30pm. A small filling. Before that…

It is time to go look at and probably join the Y. It’s a little more than what we want, but there is nothing else close enough to use. It’s been almost a week. I don’t want to fall into another bad habit. Fall back. Whatever. Exercise is really easy to quit. I doesn’t want to quit. But when it comes to Carter’s…

Do you know what?

I quit.

Yep.

I quit Carter’s.

The dentist was easy peasy. He says I need a root canal of course, but he also wants to give my mouth a break. It’s been pretty traumatized. That was the word he used. He will look at it again in August. The eighth. That’s my next teeth cleaning. Omg. I’m so sick of my mouth.

You’re right, Dr.D. I need a break.

Boy, do I.

From a lot.

I just don’t know where to start. My mind has been busy with stuff. I don’t want it, to be busy. It doesn’t go away. There is always a reminder. I see them every day.

As they see, me too.

I haven’t talked to Aaron in well over a, week. Strange.

I wonder…

I have a fat lip. Still, kind of numb.

Gonna have a sore lip when the Novocain wears off.

Fyi…

I very much need my mother tonight. I made a mistake. She would help me fix my mistake. Maybe not fix it but feel better about it. I called Gail Maxwell. My mom’s friend from high school. She was the one that was in Tucson when I was there for my mom. Anyway, I remembered that Gail bought the book. But…

Did she read the book??

Gail is a Facebook junkie. From the moment she rises, to the moment she tears herself away from her screen. Twenty hours later. And after about twenty minutes of talking of her grandchildren, Amy asked Gail if she read the book. Oh God Amy.

I couldn’t get through it. Sure is no, Jane Austin.

It was terrible.

No structure.

No plot.

Awful.

Ok

What am I supposed to say to her?

You know what?

I quit…

Lol.

NO.

(After thirty minutes of deep thought)

First of all…

My mother is telling Gail from her grave, to fuck off.

Second of all…

They said this could happen. I just didn’t expect this first and only critique to be so shitty. So, fucking personal. This is probably the reason Aaron hasn’t called. I totally see him feeling the same way. I am expecting it.

These are not, the readers I am looking for.

But still.

I so didn’t expect this. Was this something that I did?

Or didn’t do?

Or was it that big clusterfuck we had at the beginning with the, Disney princess.

Of whom left in the middle of the Affect.

Poof!

I am broken. I think I was born, broken. The accident made it okay to be broken.

It is not, okay.

To whom it may concern:

I don’t know where to start.

This isn’t self-pity.

Pure…

Heartbreak.

Karma.

Turn it around.

Just stop talking.

Go away, now!

Why ask the question if I don’t want the answer?

Aummm…

Jason had to go back out after he got home. He had a dentist appointment for a cleaning. I’m so sick of the dentist. I’m sick of everybody. Not Jason, nor my kids. Just everyone else.

Today is a good day to go experience the Y.

A new place to get lost.

Lost…

Before Jason left, he read the last few paragraphs up there.

One minute I’m okay.

The next…

Not so much.

I’m okay here.

It’s been a couple of days. I have been disassociating. IM TIRED. I WANT TO STOP.

PEACE OUT.

3:18 AM.

I had a long day. It’s been a long two days. A conversation with Gail. FYI. My elbows are winter-dry. Fuck. My whole body is winter dry. Anyway, Gail and her critique. There is nothing I can say. That’s how she feels. She was looking for something that I didn’t give her. I couldn’t give her.

Plus she’s my mother’s frenemy.

It took me a little over a year, maybe. I’m not quite sure. But I so, miss my mother. She could, and she would critique Gails critique.

Lol.

If that’s what it was.

I would love to hear what my mom would say.

What she would tell Gail to her face. Over the phone.

She would be my hero.

Ha!

Then there’s Rick!

Gail.

Gail.

Gail.

Fuck. The only other person that makes me feel the same way in how I feel about my neighbors. Is it me?!?!?!?!?!?

I’m starting to think so…

I wish that I had become something.

For a minute.

And in the next minute Amy was cleaning out her phone. Getting rid of shit she does not need, nor want, anymore.

6:21 AM.

To exercise or not to exercise today?

Exercise.

Headphones…

But that’s not for a few hours yet. Until then she needs to plan.

Or sleep.

Or…

To Whom May Concern:

A lot has happened in her head since that phone call she had with Gail.

Man…

How one conversation can ruin something.

Only if she lets it bother her.

Well, she let it bother her all right. It’s now three days later and she is still thinking about it. Is Gail right about the story? I’m sure to a point.

This is new for her.

No it’s not.

This is old stuff.

She doesn’t know if she wants to do this anymore.

But what else is there?

Not a whole lot.

Like Jason said…

You put it out there Amy.

That’s a whole lot more than anyone else can say.

True...

But still.

What do I do with this???

Do I let one and two take care of, three?

I thought that two would take care of one.

Lol.

Right.

I do need to start working on the plan.

The remarks that Gail left in my head went deep. It hurt and tears were shed. That’s about the time when Jason came home from work. Amy didn’t mention to him that she called Stacy to question and vent.

Didn’t do any good.

I am embarrassed to tell him that I called her with no purpose but to cry.

All Amy wants is just a little direction. She is tired of being dizzy.

Circles…

It makes her nauseous.

So…

We are going to do something that we have never done before. We are going to go to the Y to work out. So, much better than Carter’s. A happy clusterfuck.

Change is good.

It opens at 8 am.

Fyi.

I’m hungry this morning. I want to go to Manchester for breakfast. We’ve been there a few times, but I can never remember the name of this place.

I love this place. I want to show it to Logan. I’m pretty sure he would like it there.

And that, he did. Biscuits and Gravy. Jason had pancakes. And Amy ate all of her scrambled eggs and toast.

It has been non-stop since around Thanksgiving time.

It needs to stop.

Seriously, it does.

What is she going to do??

Jason tells her that she should write a story.

A, new story.

A fiction.

Lol.

He thinks it is so easy to make stuff up.

Lol.

He’s right.

But this is her, not him.

What is it that she, can do instead?

To Whom it May Concern:

Hello.

There is only one way she knows how to start this. You know who you are. I’m sorry. I was stunned. This woman, she was a friend of my mothers. She has no clue. I could go on and on about her, but I won’t. I made the mistake. I felt every negative emotion that I could feel. I shifted blame.

Not a good thing. I need to figure out how to fix this. From what I remember I was lost at the beginning. Lost…

No joke. But I found a new place. It is called the YMCA.

Lost…

Yay!

Exercise! The boys even want to check it out. They can go play, too.

Amy can walk.

We found a place. Not only did we find a place to go work out, but we also found a place to join.

A place to go to.

It’s both physical and mental.

But Jason need to eat first.

Again.

And finish watching television.

Whenever he is ready.

Always.

I try and help him by bringing up his issue, but fuck. No can do.

Blame, blame, blame.

I will stop.

So…

Ya’ know what??

I quit.

Amy made some spaghetti sauce when they got home. Good way to get rid of the habanero pineapple sausages we had left over from last night. Jason had to break up the sauce because he couldn’t handle the heat.

(pussy)

Just kidding.

He wouldn’t have been able to handle the heat. They were even hotter second time around. But they were good in the spaghetti. A good dinner. A nice dinner. We all three, sat at the table and played Rummicube while we ate.

Together…

Amy is trying to change up her sleeping schedule. It’s either still, or again. And again, She woke up after a few hours of sleep.

It’s 11 :28AM.

The first thing Amy did when she awoke was get this, open a door and a window.

Why?!?

To let the fresh air in. It’s warm this morning. Warm enough to wake up to less, snow outside. It’s above freezing.

She immediately opened a window and a door.

She needs to get the stale winter air, out.

2:43 AM.

I want to go back to bed. I will wait until Jason leaves.

Until then…

3:14 AM.

He’s gone.

3:37 AM.

Washing for the day has begun and the headphones are on.

Time to think…but first I need to get a cup of coffee.

Rock…

On…

Baby rock on.