Life's Doors

LIFE’S DOORS

School had just let out for the summer and my parents went shopping for our upcoming camping trip. I wanted to go with them, but mom insisted Mrs. Sorenson, our next-door neighbor, stay with me. I was 11. I didn’t need a babysitter, but I didn’t get a vote. When the door closed behind them, a shiver ran down my back.

Mrs. Sorenson is ok, but she makes these really awful cookies. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I always eat one. It takes a big glass of milk to soak the cookie up enough to even bite into it. My folks were only supposed to be gone for a couple of hours, but now it was close to dinner time and they still weren’t back. I worried more about eating dinner with Mrs. Sorenson than why they were late. I mean, if her cookies were bad…. But it got late enough, she said we might as well eat. She made this casserole stuff that tasted almost as bad as it looked. I had two glasses of milk to get it down.

I sat on the couch reading a book and waited. I guess I fell asleep because when the knock came on the door it startled me. I thought it was my folks back at last, except why would they knock? It wasn’t my mom and dad. It was a policeman. He said something to Mrs. Sorenson, and I saw her put her hand over her mouth, then she turned to me. The policeman came in and squatted down in front of me. He was older than my folks, probably almost Mrs. Sorenson’s age. His face was really sad, and I knew what he was going to say was something I didn’t want to hear. I almost put my hands over my ears.

It took a bit for his words to sink in. My folks were dead; killed in a car accident. I was numb. I could barely breathe, let alone cry. I just stared at him. Then I began shaking my head, no, he had to be wrong. My folks were too young to die. Mrs. Sorenson was older than them and she was still alive. He patted my knee and then stood up and turned to Mrs. Sorenson. They talked for a minute, but I couldn’t hear them, my ears were still stuck on the No that was screaming in my head.

After he left, Mrs. Sorenson came over and sat down next to me. She put an arm around my shoulder and tried to give me a hug. I didn’t want a hug. I wanted my mom and dad. My stomach hurt, and I thought I was going to throw up. I ran into the bathroom and closed the door. I threw up that casserole and it didn’t taste any better coming up than it had going down. It didn’t help though. I was still numb, and my mind was still screaming NO!

I would have just stayed in the bathroom, but Mrs. Sorenson knocked on the door and she seemed so upset, I figured I’d better come out. I couldn’t talk to her or even look at her. I curled up on the couch, she brought me an afghan and wrapped it around my shoulders. I was cold and hurting, but I couldn’t cry. If I did, it would make this all real.

Sometime later there was another knock on the door. I sat up and threw the afghan off. I just knew it was my folks and there had been a big mistake. It wasn’t them.

When Mrs. Sorenson opened the door, a woman stood there. I didn’t know her, and I guess Mrs. Sorenson didn’t either, because she put on that polite voice and asked, “May I help you?”

The woman’s voice was soft, but clear.

“I’ve come for Lorraine.”

Mrs. Sorenson looked at her and then back at me. I shook my head. My name was Lorraine, but no one called me that, except the teachers at school. Everyone else called me Rainey and I had never seen this woman before. I didn’t know who she was.

“I-I don’t understand.” Mrs. Sorenson’s voice was wavering. Not just her old lady waver, but a different waver; a scary waver.

The woman looked in at me and gave me a sad smile. “I’m your Aunt Maggie.”

Mrs. Sorenson and I both shook our heads. I didn’t have any Aunt Maggie. I didn’t have an Aunt anything. Both my parents were ‘onlies’ and their parents were all dead. I looked over at the woman ready to argue with her, but then I looked closer. She had the same dark black hair as me and my mom, but where mom’s eyes were blue, this woman had green eyes…like me. Her face was a lot like my mom’s, but softer and no makeup.

The woman looked at Mrs. Sorenson, “May I come in? I can explain.”

Mrs. Sorenson nodded and stepped back. The woman walked over towards me but stopped a few feet away.

“She never told you about me, did she?”

I shook my head.

“I’m your mother’s sister, Maggie.” She took a deep breath. “Rose and I had a disagreement a long time ago. Things never were cleared.”

Mrs. Sorenson stepped over and peered at the woman. “Why are you here now?”

The woman glanced at her and lifted one hand to her necklace. “I knew I was needed.” She looked back at me. “I should have come sooner, but…”

“My mom’s not here!” I nearly shouted at her.

“I know, that’s why I am here.”

I felt like hitting her. I didn’t understand what she was saying, and I didn’t want to. If my mom was here, she’d know what to do.

“Lorraine…”

“My name’s Rainey!”

“Ok, Rainey, I know this is all too much to take in right now, but I am here to help.” She gave me a sad smile. “"I know you don’t know me, but I loved your mother and I promise I'll do my best by you.. We’re family and we are all that’s left. I’d like you to come and live with me.”

 I didn’t say anything, she was an adult, kids don’t argue with adults. I didn’t even know this Aunt Maggie. She said she was mom’s sister, but they must not have liked each other much. At least mom had never asked her to come visit and never talked about her.

At the funeral, everyone stared at me and I thought if one more person gave me a hug I’d throw up, but then Aunt Maggie put her arm around my shoulder and after that people just patted my hand. When it was over, we got in the car and sat there for a little bit.

Aunt Maggie looked at me, "I've had movers come in and pack up everything in the house and it will all go to storage, except the stuff in your room. I'm having that delivered to my place. The house will be rented out until you are old enough to decide what you want to do with it."

 She wasn’t asking me, she was telling me, so I just sat and listened. At this point I didn't really care about any of that. I just wanted my folks back.

When we got to her home, I felt like I had arrived in another world. I had lived in a housing development in Southern California with neighbors 10 feet on either side. Aunt Maggie lived in a big old house surrounded by woods in a small town that barely made it on the map of Western Washington. I think the nearest neighbor was about a mile away. I had never felt so lost and so alone. Not only had I lost my parents, but now I was living in a strange place with a strange woman. For a little while there I almost wished I had died in the accident along with my parents.

"This house has been in the family for quite some time. Your mother and I grew up here. It wasn't easy for her. People were not always kind to us."

"My mom grew up here…in the country?"

 I couldn’t picture my mom living here. Mom was a city girl. She always wore dresses and often high heels. She worked in an office. She and dad had lots of parties at our house. I can’t remember it ever being quiet at our house. Mom would have the radio on or have someone over to visit.

When we went inside, it was so different from anything I had ever seen in a home before. There was so much color and so many things to see. And even though it was strange, it wasn’t scary. Aunt Maggie led me to a bright sunny room painted a soft coral color.

“This was your mother’s room. I had all your things put in here and I left some of your mother’s things in here too. You can decide what you want to keep and where you want things to go.”

I just stood there and stared. There were some beautiful watercolor paintings on the wall and one big window looked out onto an orchard of fruit trees. Another looked out over a lush garden and the third looked out on a pasture with some animals quietly grazing. This was so far from the mother I had known. Our home in California had been all beige and grey. If she had grown up with all this color, how could she turn away…block it out?

On the big bed was a quilt with all these colorful patches. It was almost like a fairy tale was being told right there.

“Your mother made that quilt herself. Later I’ll tell you the story behind each patch. It’s the story of her growing up here. For now, we need to go check on the animals. A neighbor has been taking care of them while I was gone, but now I need to see everything is as it should be.”

Everything as it should be? That kept spinning around in my head. Nothing was as it should be.

As I followed Aunt Maggie around and met the animals, I felt like I was Alice in Wonderland.  This was a world I had never seen, except maybe in books. Maybe this was all just a dream and I’d wake up and I’d be back home with Mom and Dad. I pinched myself once, hard, but it didn’t change anything.

 Aunt Maggie was so different from my mom. She wore jeans and loose shirts and had long hair which she often wore in a braid down her back. She talked in this soft voice and did more listening than talking. Aunt Maggie would often just sit outside, absorbing things she said. She liked the quiet. I was having a hard time adjusting to it. I mean, birds singing is nice, but Aunt Maggie listened to the wind.

"Listen to the leaves as they dance in the wind. They are talking to one another." She told me.

I just rolled my eyes. Not where she could see me, but leaves talking, come on!

Aunt Maggie was strange, but she was good about a lot of things. She took time to explain stuff, sometimes more than I wanted to know. She even got me to lie out on the ground and look up at the sky and the clouds.

"I see a dog!" She’d call out. Then I was supposed to find the cloud that looked like a dog. Pretty soon I could be the first to call out, "I see a cat!"

Once she called out "I see a bird!"

I looked and looked and couldn't find the cloud, then she laughed and pointed to a nearby tree where a robin was sitting watching us. I laughed then too. I think that was the first time I laughed since my folks died.

I found another difference living here in a small community in the country. I rode a bus to school! At home, my friends and I walked to school. It was just a few blocks away. The first day of school, Aunt Maggie drove me, and we went to the office to get me registered. The woman in the office looked funny at Aunt Maggie, not really looking at her face. She didn’t look at me at all. Aunt Maggie signed some papers and then walked me down the hall to my classroom.

“It’s not going to be easy, but you are strong, and you can do this.” She handed me a slip of paper. “You’ll ride the bus home today, bus 16. The teacher will help you find the right bus after school. Just give her this note.” She patted my shoulder, “You’ll get off at the corner down the road from our house. I’ll be watching for you.” She turned and walked away just as the teacher opened her classroom door and looked at me.

“You must be Lorraine.” She gave me a small smile and gestured me into the room. It was quiet in there and I felt a million eyes staring at me.

“Class, this is Lorraine. She just moved here from California, so let’s make her welcome.”

There were a few voices that said “welcome”, but mostly they just stared at me. I don’t think they were used to new people moving to their town. And it wasn’t long before they all knew I was different because my folks were dead, and I lived with Aunt Maggie.

It was a long day and when I got off that bus, I was relieved the day was over. I walked slowly to Aunt Maggie’s. There were these tall Poplar trees that lined the road in front of her place. She said they were like soldiers guarding us. I looked up at these giants and wished they really were soldiers and that I could just hide behind them forever.

Aunt Maggie was sitting on a small stool in front of the back door when I walked up. She looked up at me and nodded. “Rough day, huh?

I just nodded and stared at my feet. I had tears in my eyes. I couldn’t stay here with this strange woman and all these kids who didn’t want me in their school.

Aunt Maggie reached out and took my hand. “Look here.” She pointed at the door. It took me a minute, but I looked at her bright blue door. She had painted two red hearts on the door. I stared at them, then stared at her.

“That’s your mom and dad’s love shining down on you. You will never be alone, because their love will always be with you.” She pointed to a small heart up near the top of the door. I hadn’t really paid attention to it before, just figure it was some sort of decoration. “That’s my mother’s love. She watches over us all.”

I sat down in the dirt and cried. Aunt Maggie slid off the stool and sat down beside me. She put an arm around my shoulders and laid her cheek against the top of my head. For the first time, it felt good to have her hold me.

Aunt Maggie got up and opened the door. “Let’s go in and have some tea.”

I stared at that open door for a minute and the hearts painted on it. It made me feel warm inside. Maybe I could survive in this new life. I was at least going to try.