Love Is Complicated

In all of my 23 years of life, I’ve had to learn a lot of harsh lessons...The one that hurt the most was about romantic love. When I was around seventeen years old, I met this dude that I’ll call “L”. When we first met in a multiplayer game, “L” wasn’t welcoming to me but something just pulled me towards him. I couldn’t explain it but at that moment I didn’t want to lose him. I asked him if I could add him to my in-game friend’s list. He gladly obliged and said yes so I was pretty happy about that. The days went on and turned into months as we continued to talk to each other. I got to know him more and at some point, we started sexting each other once we knew each other’s interests. I still considered myself a Christian girl at the time so I wasn’t open to anything camera related with him. I would just think about what moans sounded like and somehow it came effortlessly to me. It was an erotic time of exploration for me and I got a high from thinking “Wow! Someone wants me...” As I think about it, I was such a naive girl at the time. I didn’t piece together that friends with benefits doesn’t always work out. That sort of bond can have many things go wrong, especially when the two individuals live faraway from each other.

Nonetheless, my blissfully ignorant self continued to have this sort of relationship with “L”. After a period of us being sexually explicit with each other, he and I decided to date. I did have intense feelings for him, and wanted to stay by his side. He even gave me his cellphone number! We would text outside of the game and talk about the upcoming game developments. Anime was also a topic of discussion as we both liked anything horror related. He made me so happy during that time period and I never wanted it to stop. Then, as time went on, I noticed in him a change in behavior. He would stop being flirty with me and wasn’t as interested in chatting with me. Now, I’m alright with not talking to someone for a day but things didn’t feel right. I listen to my gut feeling ALWAYS as it has proved to be useful again and again. I went into the game and tracked down his character. I believe he noticed me following him as he kept changing channels in the game whenever I’d follow him. I’m not stupid, so I knew he knew he was doing something wrong. Do I wish I was wrong about him being with another girl at the time? Hell yeah, but sadly, I was right.

When I walked into the room and saw his character with a girl character, my mind just went numb and then my body felt cold. I typed in “Hello” to both of those dumbasses and the aura just felt as if two thieves were caught committing a crime. The girl felt really awkward and tried to have a conversation with me. Honestly, back then and even to this day, she was as intelligent as a piece of rocks. I was insulted that “L” would dare cheat on me and have some side piece than just stick with me. After that, I messaged him on Skype and decided to tell him off since god damn I will not be disrespected like that. He and I argued and he was trying to calm me down but fuck that. I deserve to go off on a stupid ass man like him. I told him I didn’t want to talk to him again and I proceeded to unfriend him. He kept wanting to be my friend even after he cheated on me like...No. You can’t just be like “Everything is just fine!“ right after your trust is broken. It takes way more time to heal like that, and even when it’s been a while, it’s YOUR decision on whether you want to talk to that same liar or not.

After a year of me not talking to him; and of me dating an emotionally abusive, controlling ex-boyfriend, I decided I wanted to forgive him. My heart had yearned for his cutesy, stupid texts that he’d sent me. I had blocked him when he kept messaging me before about wanting to remain friends. Today was the day that I felt it in my heart to unblock him and try to remain friends. I wasn’t sure how I should approach him as (at the moment) I thought I had been cold to him. I messaged his friend (referred to in this story as “O”) to tell him that I miss him and that I want to reconcile. I quickly got a message from “L” saying that he missed me too and it’s been a painful year without me. I smirked while messaging him what had happened to the relationship between him and the girl. He said it didn’t work out and I felt smug while reading that message. It feels good to know that karma has got your back, even when you’re not around. I decided to be more brutal with him as I realized he’s a pansy and needed to be whipped. At least that’s what I thought would work...little did I know I was STILL wrong.

As the years went by, I decided to ask him to video call me. He would always straight up refuse which made no sense to me. I hated it and would wonder, “Does he not care about me? Am I not worth the effort to see on camera? Am I just ugly to him?” I know now that that was not the case. You shouldn’t ever question your worth because of a brain dead man. I even remember that on Snapchat, he had a camera and posted a snap. It made me question his motives and if he was a genuine person. That was when the cords started to cut between him and I. I thought to myself, “A man should be willing to communicate with his girlfriend as much as possible. There is no excuse to lie to someone in a relationship because it’ll cause trust issues for that person. I definitely have trust issues now and I’m trying my hardest to work on it.” Even with regular phone calls, I would barely get any. He would promise to call and would just blow me off and say he would next time. I would get mad and tell him, “When is next time? You said that LAST TIME. You know I hate lying and yet you continue to break your promises!” He would just create excuse after excuse and he was such a sorry excuse for a man.

He even exploited my sexuality (pansexual) and wanted me to be sexual with girls. I felt super uncomfortable with doing that since I told him, “When I’m in a relationship, I want to focus on only one person” He said he respected that but that it was okay for me to sleep with women. When I did do it a few times, I told him about it. He wanted pictures of the women and I together but out of the wishes of the women involved, I had told him I couldn’t do that. He suddenly went from being super sweet to being scary and demanding for pictures. It made me feel uncomfortable and I had to reassure him that I wasn’t hiding anything. Looking back on it all, I should not have agreed sleeping with women in the first place. I only did so out of the fear of losing him if I wasn’t “sexually exciting” enough to interest him. Don‘t do things to please a man ladies...only do something if you truly want to.

This asshat even borrowed money from me and “L” still hasn’t paid up my $800 to this day. I stopped giving him money when I told my therapist about him. She gave me a questioning look and told me, ”I want you to try something. See how he reacts when you tell him you won’t be giving him money.” I was reluctant to do this since I was scared of his reaction. I figured my therapist knew what she was doing so I just decided to go along with it. His reaction was way less than pleased and he was complaining about why I wouldn’t give him money. Something sparked in me when I saw how he treated his friends. He wouldn’t even pay them back in-game money in the same game he and I played. That spoke volumes to me about who he was as a person: I knew time was ticking until the bell tolled for the end of our relationship.

One early morning, when I was walking out of the apartment with my family, I had received a text from “L”. I was confused and initially thought to myself, “That’s weird...he doesn’t text me at this hour unless it’s important.” His text mentioned him not being interested in being sexual with me anymore. My mind went blank, I stopped walking, and I just zoned out HARD. I felt unwanted, thrown away, and just utterly sad. What snapped me out of it was my beloved sister and thankfully she did, because this was during the hours when the sun wasn’t out at all. A few days later, I broke up with him and decided to do whatever to take my mind off of things. Sometimes he would text me when I demanded for my money back, but he would be disgusting and say he still touches himself to the thought of me. I was internally appalled and felt violated since that was done without my consent. He told me, “You know where I’ll be if you wanna look for me ;)” I never took him up on that offer...As I am now a more cold woman, I decided to send him one last text message. It was a picture of my current boyfriend and I holding hands.

The text mentioned something like, “T and I are happy with each other! He is truly my wings of words! I plan on having his kids, and he has flown me out to see him. Goodbye.” I know for sure that that text has hurt him intensely because he‘s an emotional person. Will I ever forgive “L” for how he treated me? Honestly, I don’t know still: only time shall tell. “L” and I will never meet in person, and I want it to stay that way, because I know he still pines for me. I’ve learned that you have to question who you are dating because not everyone is who they say they are. Romantic love isn’t one dimensional and if you’re not careful: You WILL get hurt and the pain can last a long time...To those that have read this, thank you for listening. I wish you guys happy love lives.