empty pool

She wasn't absent-minded at all. She never was. She was always organized, always put-together, always in charge of things. Always had been and she thought that nothing could change that. She found solace in that state. She had to find solace in that state.  But recent circumstances had changed that. She hadn't noticed it but she was slowly changing. The change was happening at such a low pace that it would be impossible for her to notice it. And because of her loneliness, her isolation from anything alive (if you don’t count her household plants that is), she didn’t have anyone in her life to do the noticing himself or herself. She was alone. But wasn’t everyone alone after all? She didn’t feel like an exception.

That night, that particular night, she was feeling a bit down. Sad even. Maybe depressed? She didn’t have anything to eat, she wasn’t feeling hungry at all. She stood for quite some time by her bedroom window and stared outside. Not one window from the other apartments had lights on. No one was in their balconies, no sign of life at all. She didn’t find it strange and eventually she went to sleep.

The next  morning she woke up screaming with tears coming down from her eyes. What a way to wake up!  She couldn't remember when it was the last time she cried. She couldn't recall the awful dream but she pushed herself to remember. Her heart was beating like crazy. She started breathing in and breathing out. Breathing in. Breathing out. In. And out. In and out. Come on. You can do it. What did she dream of? Blank. She couldn’t remember at all. All she knew, upon waking up, was that she had to find the photo and look at it. She needed to shake off the feeling the dream had given her. She was certain that only the photo could bring her peace.

She reached for the photo album from the top shelf of the bookcase. It had collected quite the amount of dust. She couldn't care less. She just needed, absolutely needed to hold that picture and look at it, for as long as she had to. The photo was the only answer to a question she couldn’t remember.

She started flipping through the pages, carelessly and with much impatience. She got a bad feeling, a little heavy thing on her chest. She was right. Damn it, she was right. The photo was missing from the page it was supposed to be. Why? It should be there. Where else it could be? She hadn’t looked at it for years but she knew it was there. She had put it there. She remembers. But where is it? Where is it? Where? Where? She is certain she put it there with her own hands. Granted, it was a long time ago, but she remembers her motions very clearly as it was yesterday.

She flipped through the album at least three times but the photo was inexplicably missing. "What the hell", she murmured, “what the fucking hell”.

She was close to having a nervous breakdown but wouldn’t let herself go through it again. She managed to pull herself together and started looking for it all over her tiny apartment. She went through everything, every room, every corner of every room. Every cupboard, every drawer, inside the closet, under the bed, under the sofa, under the coffee table, above the fridge, inside the fridge, inside the freezer, under every carpet, under every rug. She searched inside her flower pots, throwing soil all over the place. She looked inside the vacuum cleaner, she even went through the trash. She looked everywhere. Literally everywhere. Every. Where. The sun had set and she was exhausted and unhappy.

She decided to go for a walk. She would search for this photo, the single most valuable possession of hers, everywhere. She meant it. "I have to find it, my life depends on it", she said out loud. No one said anything back. She was used to it by now.

She went out. She started walking. The streets were empty. The shops were empty. The little bakery she liked was closed and empty. The bar at the corner was empty. The park nearby was empty too, and the photo was nowhere to be found. She went everywhere. She attentively searched for it in every corner of the neighbourhood. "It is here, somewhere, I know it, I feel it, it has to be." She never once met a single person. No one. Not a living soul, not even a stray cat or a homeless person. No one.

Her steps lead her finally to the abandoned athletic centre. She hadn't been there in forever. It was where they had last met, and it was insufferable for her. She started shaking and crying. Shaking and crying but she didn't leave. She went inside. She was walking slowly. She tried to remain calm. She couldn't but she tried. She tried. Oh boy, how she tried.

She was somewhat certain that she would find it there. It was impossible and didn't make any sense at all but she was sure of it.

She reached the pool. Empty and dirty. Haunted almost. She looked at the bottom. There it was. There it was after all. God damnit. At last. The photo was lying there. She sighed with relief. She smiled. When was the last time she had smiled? She went down the little ladder to the inside of the pool. Slowly. Very slowly. She approached and her heart was beating like crazy. She picked up the photo. He was smiling at her from it. She smiled back. She kissed the picture. She held it to her chest. She held it so tightly, the picture crinkled. She didn’t mind, as long as she found it and could hold it again, she didn’t mind at all.  She put it in her pocket and decided it was time to go home.