A Dream Blown Away

Gasping in mock surprise, staged tears brimming her eyes, Anna clutched at the silver heart necklace adorning her pale throat. “Logan, are you sure?” The ring held out before her was gorgeous: not a huge diamond, barely the quarter size of a penny, but one any girl would still feel lucky to wear on her finger, flashing in the sun for all to admire. 

Yes, she’d be the envy of all of her friends. And not only for the ring. Logan was the type of man girls dreamed of ending up with, the kind of guy you notice across the bar and instantly know that’s who you’ll marry. Kind eyes, a sharp jawline, a bit thin given his tall stature. Not perfect, certainly. Logan would never have the abs of guys who starred as gym models, flexing their muscles against the page, so easy to trace. 

No, Logan was the exact type of man you marry. He held a steady job, had passion for his work, - though Anna could never recall if he was an accountant or part of the Human Resources team; Logan had a habit of droning on and on, so it was easier to pretend to listen - and knew how to be social without stealing the spotlight. 

He was a reliable guy. One whom parents loved to praise. The type to make friends green with envy, wondering how Anna had caught such a specimen. 

Anna knew all of these things about her beloved, had known them from the moment he bought her a drink and walked her home through the busy New York City streets. A true gentleman. 

Still, she hesitated, watching his every eye twitch and muscle spasm, as if watching his body language closely enough would allow her to peer into his soul. “Are you sure?” she repeated, the question escaping her lips before she could reel it back inside. 

Logan reeled back as if struck, a crease wrinkling his normally smooth brow. “What do you, am I sure?” he asked, a thread of doubt in his tone. “We’ve been dating for eight months! Of course I’m sure.” 

Eight months isn’t such a long time, Anna thought, recalling previous relationships that had lasted far longer. 

In high school, she’d had the same boyfriend for three years; Cody, a boy she had met in homeroom when a note intended for a friend two seats over slipped into the debate team’s captain’s hand instead. Realizing the mistake, but feeling too self-conscious to call it an error, Anna had giggled, flashed him a shy smile, and asked what he was doing that night. They dated until the night of prom, when she refused to sleep with him, admitting she wasn’t ready.

In college, there was Malik. A gorgeous boy with soft brown eyes and a quick wit. He was always telling jokes, trying to get her to smile. It had been all too easy to fall in love with over a couple of milkshakes in the dining hall, discussing their mutual adoration of Star Wars instead of studying for an economics final. They had dated for a year and a half, only breaking up when Malik had to drop out of school to care for his ailing mother. Long-distance never worked, they decided. 

Next was Lizzie, a girl with stars in her eyes and poetry flowing from her lips. Anna had loved her fiercely, constantly entranced by Lizzie’s every word. It was music, bright and lovely, and it made Anna feel more alive than ever before, simply to sit on their worn, patchwork couch and listen as Lizzie delivered breathtaking poem after poem. The two of them lasted a year and five days. Anna couldn’t blame Lizzie for breaking up with her. After all, the woman had a gift and needed more time to focus.

There were other lovers, peppered in between her three great loves, some lasting longer than others. Anna had never thought she’d marry any of them. Hadn’t put much thought into marriage at all really. It had always seemed like such a vague concept, an event that would happen much later in life. No need to worry about it. 

Besides, she believed you were supposed to date around when you were young. Get to know people, see what kind of person you connect with, what kind of person you want to spend a slice of your life with. There was never any rush.

“I -” Anna mumbled, forced back to the present, to this reliable and lovely man kneeling before her, ring still extended between his fingers. “I don’t know,” she admitted softly. “I don’t know.” 

Logan’s eyes widened in surprise, making a mockery of Anna’s own fake surprise only moments earlier. “You don’t know?” he questioned, voice cracking with emotion. In one fluid motion, Logan stood, shoving the ring into his coat pocket. “How could you not know?” 

Anna shook her head, brimming tears threatening to spill down her lashes. “I didn’t think you were going to ask,” she tried lamely. Her friends had teased her for weeks, calling her ‘Mrs. Logan Constance’ behind her back. She thought it was just a joke between friends. 

Stepping back from her, Logan’s face fell as he realised she was serious. Any anger that had built up behind his eyes faded, his shoulders slumping in dejection. “But we talked about this...We talked about the future. A house. Kids. You said you wanted a dog.” 

“At some point,” she replied, still uncertain. “I’m not saying no,” she clarified, trying to regain some of the feeling they held for one another, the love that was so often painted across Logan’s face when she caught him staring. “I just…”

“I need to know,” Logan glanced back at her, posture straight and firm. The man was barely holding himself together. “I need to know -- right now.” 

“Now?” She echoed, feeling stuck between a life she’d halfheartedly dreamed of since childhood and the freedom that came with remaining untethered. “Why now? Can’t it wait a few more months? Can’t we just have fun?” 

Out of the corner of her eye, Anna could see a small crowd of onlookers begin to form. Excitement rippled through them, seen in the broad smiles of the older women, the way their hands were inches apart, ready to applaud the moment she said ‘yes’. 

The pressure was all too much. 

“I can’t decide,” she whispered, hating how the words sounded hollow to her ears. Knowing her indecision would cost her another relationship, another apartment where warmth and love enfolded her like a comforter. 

Eyes downcast, Logan nodded numbly before turning away, not letting her see the pain she guessed crossed his face. Trying to retain some small amount of dignity. “Goodbye, Anna.” 

Watching him walk away, Anna clutched one more at her heart necklace, the cool feel of silver a balm to her aching heart. How could this have happened? She hadn’t said no! Though she hadn’t exactly said ‘yes’ either. 

Slowly, the crowd dispersed around her. Their whispered conversations fell short of reaching her ears, but Anna knew they were all wondering how a girl like her, pretty blonde hair clipped to her shoulders, her figure small, slim, what some would consider perfect, could reject a man like Logan. 

She had no answer for any of them, or for herself.