Discarded Delusion

Derek Erickson had been a romantic dreamer, believing in the power of love to conquer all. But that was before Celeste Spencer broke his heart.

Celeste was everything Derek wanted. For three years of high school and college, they shared dreams, whispered promises of forever, and planned a life together. His heart had belonged to Celeste, a spirited and kind-hearted girl whose laughter and bright eyes could light up a room. They were happy, in love, soulmates, engaged, and placed each other as the most important thing in their young lives. Their parents approved. There were no negatives — none — in their relationship. Everything said they were on a beautiful four-lane highway to eternal happiness.

Then, Celeste shattered his world. She started ignoring him. Well, not exactly ignoring, but not allotting the same amount of time to him as she used to. Her attention was elsewhere, granting less and less time for Derek. Phasing him out. He didn’t know why, and he felt abandoned. That’s when he made the mistake. In a moment of foolishness driven by pride and misunderstanding, Derek made the mistake that tore them apart forever. He broke up with her.

Within a few weeks, Derek realized the mistake and wanted to reunite. He called her. Celeste did not return his calls. He left written messages for her. She did not respond. In desperation, he placed an ad in the university newspaper that said, “Derek Loves Celeste.” 

In his fairy tale imagination, a delusion, Derek believed Celeste would read the announcement telling her and the world that he loved her. She would run back to him, and they would live happily ever after. All fairy tales and love stories ended that way. And this one was supposed to. But that is what they are: fairy tales and love stories. Reality is different.

Celeste saw the ad but did not respond. She had too much on her plate, losing credits when transferring to the new college, changing majors, and her father threatening to withdraw financial support. Indeed, Celeste still loved Derek but could not add any more problems to her life. Besides, she knew he loved her, and when she got things under control, Derek would still be there.

Or would he? Her silence was proof to Derek that she no longer loved him. Not one call from her. Nothing. She was giving him the silent treatment. Three years and his future lost. The psychological pain was excruciating, leaving Derek feeling hollow and, worse, betrayed. Lied to.

Like many others who suffer a broken heart, Derek swore off the delusion of love, vowing never to allow love to break his heart again. He shut himself off from the world, built a wall, guarded his heart, and kept an emotional distance from anything remotely romantic. As time passed, Derek’s fear of heartbreak solidified into a conviction. He saw love not only as a delusion, but a dangerous delusion, a trap waiting to ensnare him. Derek dated, but never allowed his emotions to dominate. 

At first, he was in denial that Celeste did not love him. Derek could not accept that his mistake had led to such a drastic consequence. But, if she loved him, why didn’t she answer? Time passed, and denial turned into anger. Derek resented Celeste for not loving him enough to give him another chance, for not understanding why he broke up, for not answering him. His pleas had gone unanswered. It was true. She must not love him. Maybe she never loved him. Maybe just used him. He would call her name into the void of his loneliness only to hear it echo against the walls of his conscience. Each time he recalled her rejection, it fueled his anger, making him bitter and resentful towards her, himself, the world—and the delusion of love.

Then, one day, at a gathering, Derek met Cassandra Sandrine. She was sensible, a philosophy major with a no-nonsense, unemotional attitude that appealed to Derek. They began talking about philosophy and other subjects irrelevant to love or caring. The ghost of Celeste still appeared occasionally, each visitation becoming more distant than the last. 

This was back when there was a military draft, and the army was trying to draft Derek. He was fighting it through the bureaucratic process, but prepared to go to Canada to prevent becoming cannon fodder in Vietnam for politicians in Washington. Then, the government announced married men would be at the bottom of the list. Derek hesitated. He didn’t love Cassandra, but he reasoned that marrying her would protect him from the draft and, without love being a factor, prevent the anguish he had suffered with Celeste. Love was not a factor with Cassandra. She was practical, reliable, and seemed content with the arrangement.

Their marriage ceremony was a small event without fanfare. Cassandra proved to be everything Derek expected, and more: emotionless to the point of heartlessness. What he didn’t expect was that she was also manipulating and dictatorial. She would say or do whatever it took to achieve her ends. She wanted control of every aspect of their lives and even enjoyed the company of other men. Cassandra’s goals were power and money. She always demanded more of each. 

Years passed until Derek couldn’t bear it. Cassandra’s demands had become unbearable, suffocating him in a life devoid of joy or affection. He missed the warmth of love that was not measured in money. They tried marriage counseling. 

After many sessions, the counselor diagnosed her as having Machiavellianism and said Cassandra would never change. He told Derek he had to accept Cassandra as she was or leave her. There was no middle ground. Derek realized with startling clarity that he had traded one form of misery, loss of love, for another—loss of a happy life.

Derek confronted Cassandra. He told her he couldn’t continue living this way, in a marriage devoid of love and warmth. Cassandra scoffed, dismissing his feelings as insignificant and irrelevant because love was not the basis of their relationship. Such an idea, love, she instructed him, was frivolous.

Derek packed his belongings and left. He moved to a small apartment, determined to rebuild his life. The scars from Hellion Cassandra were deep, ugly, and, like other permanent disfigurements, would diminish but last his lifetime.

Time passed, and Derek rekindled old friendships, found new friends, dated warm and caring women, and slowly let go of his fear of love that had governed his choices for so long. Most importantly, he learned that guarding his heart against pain meant closing it to joy.

Derek carried the weight of his mistake with Celeste like a beast of burden, the regret gnawing at him day after day. He wondered what could have been, how different his life might have been if only he had chosen differently. The “if only” quandary. Celeste remained a specter in his mind, the symbol of lost love and shattered dreams. A delusion. 

Thirteen years after the mistake, Derek fell in love again. The first time since Celeste. His new love was Stéphanie, a gentle and compassionate woman who saw beyond his hard crusty exterior. They married and built a life together filled with laughter, travel, dreams, and quiet moments of contentment. Derek loved Stéphanie deeply, and she loved him in return.

Yet, there were times when Celeste’s ghost lingered in his mind’s shadows. On quiet evenings, when the world grew still, and memories whispered through the rustling leaves outside an open window, Derek thought of Celeste. It wasn’t out of longing for what could have been. He had given that up, but an acknowledgment of the intense love and loss that had shaped him in such a profound way and cost him so much in time and emotion.

Derek reveled in his adventures, dreams, and the innocence of their love, his first love. Tears glistened in his eyes as he recalled Celeste’s laughter and how her eyes sparkled like the stars on a clear night when she looked at him. He couldn’t tell Stéphanie any of this because he didn’t want her to feel threatened or overshadowed by Celeste’s memory, the one who taught him love, poetry, dance, and warmth.

As years passed into decades, Derek and Stéphanie built their life together, weathering storms and celebrating triumphs. They grew old, and their love deepened with each passing year. But Derek never forgot Celeste. Her memory remained a part of him, woven into the tapestry of his life alongside Stéphanie.

Life, Derek thought, has a funny way of teaching lessons, even if it takes years to learn them. One quiet evening, sitting by the sea next to Stéphanie with a Margarita in his hand and watching the sunset, Derek forgave himself for his mistake. He forgave Celeste for not taking him back. He found peace in the memories of their time together, grateful for the love they had shared for three years.

In that moment of acceptance, decades ago, Derek felt a weight lift from his shoulders. Derek reflected on the wise words of Epictetus: To make anything a habit, do it; to not make it a habit, do not do it; to unmake a habit, do something else in place of it. 

Derek had made a habit of loving Stéphanie, and the habit had enriched his life. He could not forgive and forget Cassandra for the years of Machiavellian misery, but he could ignore her—and he did. He make a habit to not think about how horrible Cassandra was. And, when wallowing in the nostalgic memories of Celeste, Derek made it a habit to direct his thoughts back to the present and Stéphanie.

As the sun passed below the horizon, Derek smiled softly to himself. That love was hurtful was discarded delusion. He had returned life and the feeling of love. He understood some mistakes are irreversible but do not define the entirety of the rest of one’s existence. He’ll never forget his first love. Celeste will forever occupy a special place in his heart. A first love does that. Derek embraced the peace that acceptance had brought him and cherished the silent memories of Celeste. With a loving smile, he pulled Stéphanie closer for a hug and kissed her.