Irrationally broken heart

I sighed as I sat down on the park bench. The chill night air swirled around me, blowing small puffs of snow from the fresh drifts surrounding me. I looked upwards, trying to appreciate the muted quietness of the winter night, illuminated by the dull orange glow of the lamppost across the path.

I often found myself wandering at night. I found that it was both relaxing and freeing. Something about the loneliness of the night, coupled with the quiet allowed my mind to wander freely. I shuddered as a stronger gust than the rest blew snow down the back of my neck past my coat collar. As I turned to shield my face from the temporary onslaught, I nearly jumped out of my skin as a stranger sat next to me. “Holy shit you scared me” I said, voice shaking from the cold and the adrenaline dump. “Sorry” the stranger said. His voice was gritty. He sounded like a heavy smoker.

I was a bit put off that out of all the benches in the entirety of the park, this stranger felt the need to sit right next to me. I tried to get a good look at him without staring. There was something oddly familiar about him, but I couldn’t quite place it. His brown hair was combed perfectly to the side, the snow seemingly falling right off where it stuck to mine. His brown eyes had a light in them, though the way they were shaped made him look sad. I pursed my lips and forced myself to look away. “Pretty peaceful night isn’t it?” the stranger asked, leaning back against the bench and looking upwards. “So far” I replied, trying to hint that his presence was unwanted.

“So why are you out here?” the stranger asked. His eyes locking with mine as I spun to face him. “That’s a rather odd thing to say when you’re out here too” I countered. The stranger grinned. His smile was peaceful, but the sadness emanating from it tugged at my heart in an odd way. “I actually came here to find you” he said, causing my heart to lurch into my throat. “I’m sorry but do I know you? Have we met before?” The stranger laughed this time “I know you very well. It seems however you’ve forgotten me. Though whether that’s by choice, ignorance, or just plain stubbornness remains to be seen.” I raked my brain, looking for where I could place him. I couldn’t shake the feeling of familiarity. Not in a hostile way like some repressed trauma, more like a childhood friend that you know exists, but can’t seem to place a single memory of.

The stranger grunted softly and stood up. “Why don’t you walk with me, it’ll get the blood flowing and warm me up a bit.” I hesitated, but he was already walking slowly away with his hands stuffed in his pockets. I stood up, almost turning the opposite direction towards home, but something stopped me. I had to know why I knew this man. The sadness coming from him was almost too familiar, and I needed to know where the hell I recognized him from. I hurried after him, feet dragging through the snow chilling my feet even through my boots.

“Sir where do I know you from? I can’t quite place how I recognize you” I said as I came up alongside of him.  He smiled as we walked. He took longer to answer that I would have liked. “You really don’t remember me?” he said looking out of the corner of his eye, “I’ve known you for a long time. Though I must admit I don’t know why you cut contact with me.” Panic set in as I desperately probed the corners of my mind. “I’m sorry but I don’t know. Were we close? Are we family?” We continued walking, coming up onto a foot bridge over a frozen stream. He leaned against the railing, as did I, snow falling down and scattering as it hit the ice. The stranger looked over the empty park. His eyes seemed to water slightly and his voice shook as he said “I am you.” Confusion poured over my face, and he must have seen it because he continued. “I’m what you push down every day. What you ignore to get through every minute. You’ve seen me in passing most days, but you always look away. I see you on the train, but you ignore me. I am your sadness.”

“Sir I don’t know how you know me bu-“ the stranger cut me off, “I seem so familiar to you, because I have been a part of your life for a very long time. Just because you choose not to see me doesn’t mean I am not there.” I blink my eyes hard, trying desperately to make sense of what he was saying. “You’re my sadness? That doesn’t make any sense. I don’t have any trauma, I had no reason to be sad. I have a great job, I have a wife, I have fantastic kids, and my life is going great.” “And yet, here you are. Wandering a park at night alone. Not everyone has a reason for their depression. Some people it’s just a part of who they are. Yes your life is great, anyone can see that. But some people are wired differently. You can’t justify me, so you deny me. You pretend I don’t exist. But I start to poke out a little more and a little more, until we finally get to have this conversation.”

I try to deny his words in my head. I start questioning the validity of what was happening. Was this a mental break? Am I having an episode? What the hell is going on? In my silence the stranger continued “people have always described you the same way, funny. You’re a light for everyone around you. Constantly day and night you provide positivity to everyone around you. And you do this hoping it hides the fact that you have none for yourself. A few people can see it and ask if you’re okay, but they always accept your answer of yes. Fewer people still have seen it, recognized it, and still loved you for you. But at night, your shield comes down just a little bit, and the real you starts to poke through. You take these walks at night because you think it calms you. It’s not calm you’re feeling, it’s me. It feels calm for you because you’re not trying to put up a façade for everyone and you can be YOU.”

I grip the railing hard, snow crunching under my hands, “but I’m not suicidal or anything like that” I say as I feel my eyes water. “No you’re not. But why is that? Is it because you’re happy? Or is it because there people counting on you. You have people that love you. You don’t want to hurt anyone. Yes your life is ‘perfect’, and there’s no reason for you to feel this way. You, my dear friend, have an irrationally broken heart. But a broken heart nonetheless. Some people are born just a little broken. And a crack in a glass will still get bigger with time, even if no one is damaging it more.”

I squeeze my eyes shut as the tears start to fall. I hold back sobs and sniff loudly as my nose runs from the cold. I sit there for a minute, taking in what he-what I am saying to myself. After a few long shuddering breathes I open my eyes to find him gone. I take a few steps back, looking around as I wipe my eyes, but he’s not there. I look back down the path and see our footprints in the snow, proving that I wasn’t crazy. I take a few deep breathes to try to calm myself down, and as I do I hardly notice his footprints beginning to fade. I pull out my phone and call my wife as I start walking home. Her cheery answer brings a smile to my face, but when she hears my voice she begins asking if I’m okay. “yeah I’m good just very cold. Could you put some hot chocolate on? I’ll be home soon. I love you!” I stressed the ‘I love you’ so she knew I was okay, and as she accepted my answer, I saw a man walking towards me. He looked strangely familiar, like I should know him from somewhere. His brown hair was combed perfectly to the side and it seemed like the snow was falling right off where my hair was covered. He smiled sadly as he passed me, but as I started talking and laughing with my kids on the phone, I didn’t see him slowly fade into nothingness behind me.