Blue Doggy

           You can't breathe when there's no oxygen, but I'm a special breed of dog which the humans bioengineered for this purpose. So, my erthyrocytes need 80% less oxygen. Not sure what that means, but the Lab Coats have said this billions of times. And my leukocytes don't require oxygen. I hate needles. They always say this shit after they prick me with a needle. So, they've sent me in a vertical aeroplane/airplane and I'm now . . . I don't know where I am, but the dirt is everywhere and it's purple. I think it's purple. It's the shade of gray the humans called purple on earth. I remember strange humans saying they didn't want the S. O. B. to get S. O. B. and then laughing. Didn't know what that meant either. Now, I'm walking on this planet and looking for a tree or bush to mark as my territory, but there are no trees or bushes, just purple dirt. Then, I hear a voice over the intercom from the ship: “How's E3R24 doing?” A pause . . “He's doing fine. Breathing seems to be normal.” They put metal leads parts of my body with contact glue. I tried scratching them off, but after 20 days, gave up. 

           Then, the oddities started. The Earth, or whatever planet this is, started shaking under me and yellow lava started coming out of the purple dirt in smalls bleeds and then stopping, like the planet's veins were clotting. I smelled it and it smelled like hassinthefir. Then, canyons started forming underneath me and beside me, like . . .human armspits with shave stubs. You know, like when human women shave their armpits and the stubble starts to grow back before they reshave it, like that. Then, everything stopped, like when a conductor has a coda on the music sheet. Stopped. Then, the voice from the ship came, “Minor environmental problems, non-life threatening, but the ECG of E3R24 is 160 sys and 95 dys, which is high”. Another long pause, then the other man says, “He's probably just scared”. 

           Then, the weird stuff started to retrogress, the canyons metamorphized into mountains, the purple stuff into yellow indentations and everything happened in reverse. Then, another pause, then, there was a sudden expansion in my duodenum, not good. It felt like what was happening to the world around me was starting to happen to my internal organs: “inward, outward, onward upward” AJD. This was just the start. Then, I felt pain in my veins and heard the intercom: “What's happening? The lead numbers are abnormal?” Another pause, then white noise, the kind when humans don't know how to set up their TV and see something called 'TV snow'. Then, glossolalia on both ends of the intercom aka universal aphasia. The question going through my head was were the intercoms suffering from universal aphasia or had the planet made me have universal aphasia and I didn't know. 

           My other organs started going weird too. My left eye cataracted, then my right. I wasn't able to move my joints to full R. O. M., and I didn't know if I had lost my voice of if the hemisphere of this planet had evaporated. Now, I remember hearing oxygen helps erythrocites. I wish I knew what erythrocites were, but I started having trouble breathing and remember hearing “S. O. B.” Wish I knew what that meant. Then, the gravity shifted. I felt light like balloons, then felt heavy, like weights, but I felt a strange sensation. I was fixed and began to feel stem cells form in my body and my testes reformed, small, but reformed. Then, I felt the urge, but it felt weird and I remembered when my last vet put a metal tube up my rectum for a fecal sample, but it felt like ooze. When it pulled out, I saw something that looked like the outside of a sausage pull out of my body and I felt weak. I listened for the voices over the intercoms, but still heard aphasia. Then, there was silence. My body ached, but I realized the leads on my stomach could be used as intergallactic telegraphs and somehow I knew morse code. I knew morse code and sent out .. …. .. ., but in a different order somehow. Or maybe, like the Ren and Stimpy cartoon, I was suffering from Space Madness. Then, it felt like something like mechanical ants were crawling in my veins and I could see the bitch who was my mother giving birth in reverse to me. Like a vacuum sucking in dirt from the floor, pulling me in. The questions were: is this hallucination from no oxygen? Have I already gone insane? What is happening? Then, half way through the birth canal, everything stopped. I couldn't go forwards or backwards. 

           Then, I had a reverse apport. My atoms seperated and I felt the parts of me sucking through a vacuum and reassembling, like the characters on Star Trek when Scotty beamed them up, but also like a dollar tube at a bank when you make a deposit in the drive through. Then, my body was reassembled, including the duodenum, but as a different species and I could see in colors off the human charts, like us dogs can hear sounds beyond the human spectrum, I could see colors beyond the human spectrum. I checked to see if there was still a ship; there wasn't. I felt the ground underneath my paws, which had the texture of ground beef and I whined since I was alone and scared, but no one responded. I felt for the metal leads on my stomach, but they had melted in the metamorphises and I wondered what what happen next, but I felt satiated, no thirst, no need to void, no need to defecate. Then, it started to rain base rain. Like the opposite of acid rain, base rain. I thought of lapping it up, but but decided not to. But, I could feel the rain on my fur, which means I'm not dead. I could be high on some new drug or maybe this is reality and I can be content forever. 

           Male dogs have nipples the same way male humans have nipples and I could feel the signals from the radio towers sending signals to my male nipples, but since they're skin and not metal, I can't understand the signals. Maybe it's morse code, maybe it's glossolalia again, but maybe it's the humans from the rocket radio trying to communicate with me again. Is this real? No hunger, no thirst, reproduction? Then, I see a blinding light and I hear something which sounds intelligent and positive, like Glenda from The Wizard of Oz. There's a movement in my stomach even though I'm not hungry and I feel movement. It's not a dream. I'm a male dog with amennoria. I don't just not feel hunger and thirst, I don't feel anything; no fear, no lonliness. Everything is static like white noise. Everyone knows dogs can't get schizophrenia. Everyone. It's the lack of atmosphere, but I feel content, but don't feel. Hopefully this is reality this time. Hopefully.