The Spirit Of Love

Kate suddenly looked up from her clenched hands and glanced around, her mind not comprehending the courtroom, the jurors staring on with indifferent faces, the men and women in sharp uniforms that stood around the room watching her with intent, the judge who slammed her gavel with force, making Kate jump and focus harder. “Are you going to answer my question, Miss Doe?”

Kate stared at her, uncomprehending. “I’m sorry, what?”

Kate saw the people in the jurors’ box whispering to each other, could hear more whisperings behind her and only now became aware of the people sitting behind her. The judge looked at her for a moment before shuffling some papers in front of her, presumably searching for something. The judge looked back up at her and said in a loud voice, “what exactly are you confused about, Miss Doe?”

“I’m not sure,” Kate let out a little giggle, still not able to understand. “I mean, what is going on?” going to gesture with her hands, but as she began to move, two of the guards, that she could see, suddenly put hands on holstered batons, and she once again tried to refocus on the situation, tried to gleam something that she was failing to understand. I watched on the other side of the room as she felt a hand on her shoulder and finally realised that she was sitting beside a very nervous, very lean looking man wearing a sharp suit and glasses. He leaned in close to Kate’s ear and whispered, “What the hell are you doing? I can’t just suddenly make a plea for insanity if you don’t tell me.” Kate jerked her head away, while at the same time throwing the man’s hand from her shoulder. “Insanity? What are you talking about, why am I here?”

Gracefully, a woman stood up, her suit dark navy, and she spoke with confidence to the judge, “Your Honour, I think it would help Miss Doe, and the jury, if we were to go back over the crime and evidence again.” The lean man shot up out of his chair, saying, “Objection, your Honour, I see no reason that the court should have to sit through evidence already given.” I moved to across the room. Kate stared at the man with an uncomprehending expression.

“I believe that if not for the benefit of the court, then it would be of benefit to your client who has appeared to forgotten the reasons that we are here.” The lady lawyer looked in Kate’s direction before locking eyes with the lean man, eyes narrowed. It seemed to make him nervous from what Kate could tell.

“Ms Francis, while it is kind of you to think of my client’s wellbeing, I would ask you to leave that to me.” His hands were behind his back as he spoke. He managed to cover up his nerves if not for him squeezing his hands white.

The lady smiled coldly at the man. “Everything I am doing is for the benefit of this court room, Mr Reginald. And that is why,” she said, turning to face the judge, “that I ask that the evidence be brought back for the purpose of jogging Miss Doe’s memory.”

“Objection, your Honour, as I have already stated…”

“Enough!” A bang of a gavel quickly silenced Mr Reginald, making Kate visibly jump again in her seat. The judge took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes for a moment, looking visibly frustrated. I sat amongst the jurors as they watched. The court was silent, and the people were tense with none more so than Kate, who was trying to stop her leg shaking underneath the table. Unless you counted Mr Reginald, who had seemed to stop breathing, Kate noticed.

The judge finally put back on her glasses after dragging her gaze across the courtroom, and I watched from above the judge’s seat as she said, “I will allow for a short recess while I deliberate bringing the evidence back for re-examination. Mr Reginald.” Kate stared as the poor man struggled to draw in enough breath to speak.

“Y-yes, your Honour?”

“I would take this recess to discuss things with your client. I would hope it would be obvious, but even after Miss Doe’s sudden display of amnesia I will not be considering any pleas of insanity. Am I understood?”

“Of course, your Honour. I would never dream of it.”

Kate looked between them as Mr Reginald stood under the judge’s gaze. She could see the sweat stains under his arms as he adjusted his glasses with both hands. She shifted in her seat as a feeling she couldn’t place sat bubbling in her belly. I put my hand on my stomach to quell my nerves.

“I am allowing a brief recess of 20 minutes.” A bang of the gavel followed, and everyone began to rise from their seats and file towards the backmost door, Kate being very nearly shoved by Mr Reginald through the crowd. I followed them through the crowd. Kate could feel eyes looking at her with disgust and pity as she brushed past them. Kate looked down at the floor, the forest of shoes and socks, the looks mixed with the absurdity of her situation making her unable to meet their eyes.

They burst through the last of the crowd, and I watched from across the room as Kate was pressed forward by Mr Reginald’s needling fingers, forcing her towards an empty corner away from the whispering crowd that wouldn’t stop looking her way. Kate stopped and leaned her head against the cool wall, trying to calm her thoughts while Mr Reginald stood looking at her, handkerchief dabbing at his forehead and not so subtly at his armpits.

“What are you doing?” Mr Reginald hissed through his teeth.

“What am I doing, what is everyone doing? Why the hell am I on trial, what the hell did I do?” Kate considered looking at Mr Reginald while she said this, but the cold seeping into her burning forehead felt too nice.

Mr Reginald sighed and put his handkerchief nicely folded into his breast pocket. “I thought I said already that you cannot be trying for an insanity plea at this point. Especially after you practically announced your intent to the entire courtroom.” He started tapping his shoe quickly against the wooden floor, Kate could see the dark leather bouncing from the corner of her eye. Kate sighed and slowly turned to look at him, her face feeling tight from the pain in her head.

“I am going to say this only once. I am not insane. I am not trying to worm my way out of whatever this is,” she waved her hand towards the courtroom doors, hand moving limply through the air, “and I need you to explain to me what. Is. Going. On.”

“You need me to explain it? Fine. I am your lawyer. You are on trial, and the court wants you to go away for a very long time. I am trying to help you, so if you’re trying to pretend you don’t know anything then you need to let me know now.” He reached out to put a sweaty hand on Kate’s shoulder, but she backed away from him, wrapping her skinny arms around herself as she started looking around.

“I need the bathroom.”

Mr Reginald paused, hand still in the air poised to reassure her. If he thought that would work, then he was a fool. “It’s over there.” He dropped his hand, gesturing with his head at a nearby door. Kate said nothing as she walked over and pushed into the bathroom.

It was empty inside as Kate ran into the nearest stall and fell to her knees emptying her stomach. She could faintly hear a tap dripping in between her heaving. Shakily she stood back up, feeling the smooth stall under her fingers as she hoisted herself up and flushed. She walked over to the row of sinks and stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot from the tears she didn’t realise she had been crying, you couldn’t even tell that her eyes were green. She splashed water against her face and looked back into the mirror. I watched from across the sink as she ran a hand through her black locks, trying to convince herself that it was a dream, that she wasn’t on trial, that it was all some big mistake.

“You’re half right.”

Kate whipped her head around, trying to find the person standing behind her.

“Over here.”

She turned back around, and I stared at her as she leaned against the sink and shook her head.

“This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, it isn’t.”

I leaned against my own sink, staring at her as she tried to come to grips with my existence.

“But it is, Kate. You are just failing to believe it.” I said sadly.

She slammed her hand against the sink, and I watched as a flicker of pain danced across her face. I flexed my hand against the pain.

“What are you?” She looked directly at me, and I felt a flicker of something in my chest. It reminded me of a week ago, watching her from a passing shop window, the evening lights casting her in sharp shadows.

“I’m you.”

“No. You’re not. You’re a hallucination, a part of this fucked up dream.” She turned away from the mirror, from me, and strode towards the bathroom door.

“Kate, I am you.” I spoke to her through the reflection of the hand dryer, feeling my face twist and bulge as she turned to look at me in shock, her back pressed against the side of a stall. She put her head in her hands and pressed tight, I could feel the squeeze on the sides of my head, like she was trying to press something back together that no longer fit. I reached towards her and felt cold steel against my palm as I gazed at her. I could hear her whisper something, but I didn’t need to hear it to know what she was asking.

“It was me.” I closed my eyes and could still feel warm skin under my hands, something wet and warm splatter against my face under evening lights. I opened my eyes and she’s standing so close I try to take a step back, but the feeling of steel on my back, the way my hands and body become darker, indistinct, remind me that I’m trapped to be looking at her, mirroring her closely, yet never close enough. Forever and ever.

“What did you… what did you make me do?” She hissed at me, and I can feel the tears welling up in our eyes.

“What I had to. If I could change what happened, I would. But you need to understand Kate.” As I spoke, the memory came rushing back and I’m banging against every lightbulb, headlight, window, every surface she passed where I exist, trying to get her to run, to notice the men walking quick and quiet behind her. Then I felt warm skin under my hands, something snapping, and liquid warm and red under the light of a lamppost. I looked at her and as I spoke, I couldn’t keep the fury out of my voice.

“They deserved it.”

Suddenly, a banging comes from the bathroom door, and we jumped.

“Miss Doe,” Mr Reginald said through the wood, “it’s time for court to resume.”

Kate looked at me and I saw the moment when she realised that this wasn’t a dream. She was going to prison if Ms Francis had any say, and she was silent, but I knew what she was thinking, and she was right. It was my fault.

I saw her exit the bathroom, and I watched from across the hall as she and Mr Reginald walked towards the courtroom door. Mr Reginald stopped them just before they entered and said, “Anything you need to tell me, now is the time.” Kate stood there facing towards the ground and simply said, “Would you even believe if I was to say that another version of me committed the crime. Would you even believe me if I said that I was innocent, and I’m being possessed by some evil monster that made me do it?” She clung to Mr Reginald’s arm, looking up at him, and I looked down at her as she stared into Mr Reginald’s eyes, desperate to be free, to be believed.

“I told you that if you wanted to plead insanity that you had to tell me beforehand!” Mr Reginald pried Kate’s hands off his arm and readjusted his suit. I felt the pain in my fingers and know that he wasn’t gentle about it. He opened the door and beckoned her to go first. “Let’s just get this over with, shall we?”

Kate’s head hung low as she walked into the courtroom towards her table, and I looked at her from the painting’s glass hanging above the judge’s chair, my heart breaking. Ms Francis came swiftly in afterwards and gave Mr Reginald a smile that didn’t reach her eyes as she sat down at her table. I could feel Kate crushing the pain from her fingers as a guard stepped forward and bellowed, “All rise for the Honourable Judge Atwood!” The air filled with the sound of shoes dragging against wood as Judge Atwood walked in and sat down gently into her chair.

“Everyone be seated.” Judge Atwood said, waiting as everyone sat down. I could feel Kate shaking her leg underneath the table. Judge Atwood looked out over the court and stated, “Firstly. After much deliberation, I don’t believe that the court should have to witness the evidence and the testimonies again. I believe that it would put too much strain on the witnesses, and as the jurors have already given their decision, further examination would only cloud the facts. Miss Doe.”

Our heart thumped in our chest as Kate stood up.

“Yes, your Honour.”

“Miss Doe. I sympathize with your experience. As a woman myself, I have been in similar situations and would not wish that on anyone. I believe that you were in your full right to defend yourself.” Judge Atwood took off her glasses and stared at Kate. “However, the level of violence at which you defended yourself… If I had to name it, I would say it was monstrous. Had this been a simple matter of self-defence, I would have considered the matter finished with by now.” She put her glasses back on, and the look in Kate’s face made me regret every decision I made. “But it’s no longer simply a matter of self-defence. So that is why I say this with a heavy heart. Kate Doe, you are hereby found guilty of three accounts of murder of the first degree.”

The court erupted, the jury arguing amongst themselves, people in the pews stood up and demanded retrial, others in favour of the verdict stood and argued justness. All the while I watched as Kate sunk into her chair, the look of shock on her face. She looked up at the painting and I could tell that she was looking at me. Judge Atwood was banging her gavel, yelling “Order. Order!”, but the entire time Kate and my eyes were locked, and I couldn’t look away even though I wanted to. And I could feel it, the way that shock was evaporating in her stomach and becoming anger, drip by drip.

“I’m sorry, Kate.” I knew that she could hear me and yet the anger only grew, and it was justified.

Eventually, order was restored to the court, but the tension was still high. Kate could feel it, even if she wasn’t aware.

“Kate Doe,” Judge Atwood began, “even with the three accounts of murder, since it was done in self-defence, I will be lenient. You will serve ten years in the state prison, and you will have a chance for parole after three years. Guards, please escort Kate Doe to the cell for transport.” Judge Atwood didn’t look at the court as she left, even as it erupted into noise, joy and outrage in equal measure. The guards walked towards Kate and gently grabbed her arms, Mr Reginald moving swiftly aside to let them through. As Kate was lead across the floor, I could tell that she couldn’t feel the hands of the guards. All she could feel was the rage that was flooding her stomach, speeding through her veins.

“Kate. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more.” Mr Reginald had walked up to Kate and once again placed his needle like fingers on her shoulder. I gazed at her through the reflection of his glasses, and I knew Kate saw me.

“It’s your fault.” Kate said.

Mr Reginald took a step back, surprised. “Miss Doe, I am truly sorry, but I did the best I could.”

“It’s your fault!” Kate shouted, and she wrenched her arms free and grabbed Mr Reginald’s suit and stared into his eyes. Stared directly at me.

“Unhand me! Let go!” Mr Reginald struggled against Kate’s grip, but her strength was fuelled by rage.

“It’s your fault! How could you do this to me?!” Kate wept, tears streaming down our face. The guards that had been stunned by the outburst, quickly acted to restrain Kate’s arms and pull her off Mr Reginald, a piece of his suit coming away as he was freed. I looked at Kate as she struggled against the guards and against the verdict cast upon her.

“I’m sorry.” I said, and Kate screamed and raged as she was dragged away, and I disappeared, waiting to see her again, guilt stabbing at my heart. I was the other side of her coin, and I would never leave her side. I would protect her. Forever and ever.