Pep talk

It took forever to get out of the house. I am late again. I feel every bit of the mess that I am sure I look like. The cuff of my white button-down sleeve is soaked in coffee from my not putting the lid on right and sprintwalking to get to work. Now there's a drip down my light gray pant leg and a splat on my new blue suede shoes. This is why I should stick with an all black wardrobe. Ugh! I feel myself spiraling into a bad day. It only gets worse when I see a sea of people leaving the train station I am rushing toward.

Great.

What's happened? I ask a man walking by from the throng of people. I have never seen this many people in my neighborhood before. The man says "yeah the trains are stopped in both directions," then motions to his ear to tell me he was on the phone and continues speedily walking on. "It's been almost two hours since there was a train," another man says, pushing past a lady with a stroller. Rude. "Then they said we all had to leave the station," said a woman crossing after him. Practically everyone was on their phone informing whoever is waiting for them at whereever it is they are going of the situation.

I reach into my pocket to follow suit. My boss is surely going to make note of these past few weeks. I have been late more days than not. My evaluation is next month. It's not going to go well. Ugh. I turn on my phone to see my screen dim and the battery icon on a sliver of red. I didn't charge my phone.

Great.

I searched the bottom of my backpack, but of course, I don't have my battery pack. I look back at my phone. I have 3%. That is not enough power to call. I texted my boss as fast as I could. "Running late again, sorry. No trains going downtown" and send. The phone shut down.

I don't know if it made it. Great. I sigh.

All I can do is try to figure out how to get there. I push into the crowd and follow the current further up the street. There was a mass of people surrounding the bus shelter. It is at least four bus loads of people waiting. I can't fathom cramming myself in a city bus having to touch people and them touching me. Ugh. Nope.

I continue with the crowd and head towards the express bus stop. They won't fill those busses the same way. It's a little more money than the other mass transit but worth the peace and quiet.

The express bus stop was not so crowded, but it was still going to be a wait. We just missed a bus as we approached. I begin to feel like the rain cloud that is obviously following just me is about to start pouring. What is even wrong with me? Why me? What is even happening?

I feel someone on my left move closer into my personal space. I look to the side and inch away as far as I can. I am at eye level with a man's arm holding his phone to his ear. There's a tattoo on the side that says, "...and chaos ensues..."

Well then, that must be what's happened. I almost chuckle to myself. Like a message from the universe. "Uh huh, yeah, right," the man says, kinda loud, like he's not surrounded by people. I guess he's been listening to someone this whole time. "Well, you know, the whole family is like that, so of course, the kid is going to be like that too. " Wait, what? Now I am wondering, who and what is he talking about? Sheesh. I need my phone, expressly, I need my headphones. I am not sure they would cancel the noise of Mr. Chaos Ensuing here, but I need to focus back on myself and figure out what I should be doing to get it together. I'm falling apart. I need to fix all of this and quick.

"Well, you know," the man starts again. "They are such a hot mess, always late, never doing what they said they would do. There is always an excuse." Oh, no. Who is he talking about? It feels like he is talking about me. But I haven't always been this way. It's not who I am, I am just having a hard time lately. He chimes in, "Yeah, they are out of control for sure." Well, everyone loses control from time to time. No one is perfect. Besides, no one is in control, not really. Right? "No one thinks they are a bad person, no. But, people are starting to give them space or just avoiding them altogether." Oh no. Are people avoiding me? When was the last time I hung out with people? My mind goes blank as a bus pulls up to the stop.

People rush in front of me, attempting to be the first to the door. People getting off the bus angrily weave a path through them all. Once the last one stepped off, the crowd encroached, pushing forward to squeeze into the small bus door. The force of them all is pushing me further to the back. I won't make it on to this bus. I ease on back to the sidewalk and claim a spot next to the bus stop sign so I can have a place to lean. I am feeling kind of wobbly.

Mr. Chaos Ensuing didn't make it on the bus either. Now that the crowd has thinned, he has room to pace somewhere behind me. His barotone voice floats closer toward me. "I think they just need to learn to believe in themself. I don't know if they have ever believed in them as much as others have believed in them." I've had moments of believing in myself. I guess I haven't felt that in a while, though. "And they have got to get back to dreaming. They had plans, always big plans," I had plans, and I had dreams. Somewhere along the way, they got lost and drowned in my life. What if they are permanently gone and never to be seen again? What if I am stuck in this hot mess limbo forever? His voice floats back to me. "You are right. They are full of potential and very talented." Yeah, but what good is that doing me?

I feel myself enter full downward spiral mode. I clutch the poll and look at the sky. It was nice and sunny before. Now, the sky is gray and full of ominous clouds. Or is that just in my mind? I can't tell anymore.

The man paces back in my direction. He is quiet except for the sound of his dress shoes clicking the pavement. He mills about through people he almost seems to be oblivious of and gives affirming acknowledgment sounds occasionally. I find myself waiting for him to say something else in hopes of him having a concrete solution to the issues I seem to share in common with his friend. But he doesn't. He ends his call and puts on headphones, leaving me anxious and depressed.

Another bus comes. I make it on to it and get a window seat in the middle of the bus. I sit down and lean on the cool window pain. I feel the vibrations of the idling bus and pretend it is a massage for my head. I look down to where the seat meets the wall of the bus. I see something round stuck in between. I gingerly pull it out. It is a lapel pin. It says, "Don't Panic." It's from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Hmmm... I think to myself, another message from the universe. A little giggle erupts from deep within me. The bus pulls out into traffic and makes its way down town. The sky clears again. I take a deep breath and clutch the pin tightly. This is me not panicking.