What could have been? An autumn of memories and remorse

By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. I stepped out of the coffee shop with my usual half white chocolate mocha / half pumpkin spice latte. I took a brief moment to savor the blended flavors of my favorite fall drink and the scent of the fiery red and golden yellow leaves that filled the fall air. Although I am running errands downtown today, the streets are dead on this early Sunday morning. There was a feeling that the city is just waking up. This is my favorite time of the week to run errands and let my thoughts wander.

I was in no hurry to run my next errand, so I sat down on a bench to take in the sights of the morning. As the sugar maples lined the street, I admired the shiny dome of the state capital building. As my gaze wandered across the street, a familiar set of brown eyes caught mine. I let out a gasp and almost dropped my coffee as I came to the realization of who was across the street.

The tall, muscular build and the dark brown hair of the man across the street brought a flood of memories back to my mind. My college sweetheart, Oscar, was standing across the street next to his shiny black Camaro. He had just parked his car and opened the passenger side door. A tall, slender blonde woman stepped out. With her model proportions, plaid sweater, leggings, and fashionable tall black boots, she looked like the type of woman that all men would want and all women would want to be. They would have been the envy of any circle of friends.

I quickly looked away and felt embarrassed. Since this was an errand running morning, and I didn’t have many opportunities to run errands without my kids, I didn’t feel like I had anyone to impress in my life. My hair was thrown up in a messy bun, and I had no make up on. I picked at a spot of dried food on my sweat pants, and I immediately started to fidget. It took all the strength that I could to not jump out of the bench and take off running down the street just to get out of sight. I know that Oscar saw me, so I silently prayed that he would just ignore me and walk the other way. However, today would not be my lucky day.

“Madeline!” I heard Oscar exclaim my name in his gorgeous Scottish accent. His deep voice gave me butterflies like he did the first time we met at a frat party in college. I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see him striding across the street with a big smile. He was dressed in a polo shirt that emphasized his strong pecs and some khaki colored Dockers that accentuated his muscular legs. Oscar was always very athletic in college, and he played on the baseball team.

I instantly felt my face get hot, but I tried my best to fake a smile. I stood up and meekly said, “Hi Oscar, it’s been a while.”

Oscar was always in tuned to my emotions, so he immediately sensed my embarassment. His smile instantly shifted to a more sympathetic one, and his voice softened. His female companion remained across the street by the car, looking uncertain but impatient.

Oscar shyly said, “Hey Madeline, how have you been? I hope that you are doing well.”

I didn’t even know where to begin. I didn’t want to rehash the last 18 months of my life, which were super stressful. I have two kids, a two-year old girl and a one-year old boy. I wasn’t married to the kids’ dad, and our relationship had some murky beginnings. He told me that his ex-girlfriend cheated on him and got pregnant by another guy, when in reality, her baby was his and he left her for me. Eventually, after my two kids were born, he left for someone else. The last that I had heard, he was engaged to a woman who had a daughter from a prior relationship. Needless to say, my life was a mess.

I gave a weak smile and said, “I have been doing great. It looks like you are doing well for yourself these days.”

This was a painful reminder that Oscar was the one who got away. We broke up in college when he left for a study abroad trip. We had been together for about two years, and he decided that he wanted to study abroad in Japan. Oscar had dashing good looks back then, good grades, and he was an amazing athlete. He was in college on a baseball scholarship.

My insecurities got the best of me when I thought of how many amazing people (and potentially some amazing women) that he would meet, and I decided that I would be the person to hold him back. From what it looked like today, my intuition was right about him.

Oscar gave me a gentle smile, and he told me that he was out with his fiancée, Rebecca. They were going out to brunch with their family to celebrate their recent engagement. I tried my best to continue faking a smile. I tried to say as enthusiastically as possible, “That’s great, congratulations. Um, I don’t want to keep you from brunch though.”

My eyes shifted to the ground as I got caught up in my words. I glanced back at him and said, “It was great to see you. Take care.” I glanced across the street and gave a quick smile and wave to Rebecca.

As I turned around, I wanted to leave as quickly as possible. The whole situation was embarrassing and uncomfortable to me. As I took a step on the cobble stone sidewalk, I had stepped in a hole in the ground. Before I knew what happened, my ankle rolled and I quickly fell to the ground. As I wailed in pain, my latte had spilled all over my hooded sweatshirt.

I overheard Oscar call out to Rebecca to go ahead to the restaurant, and he would meet her in a while. Oscar knelt down beside me with a look of concern on his face. As the tears rolled down my face, he said softly, “I’m in my residency for medical school now. Let me look at your ankle.”

He held my right ankle with such tenderness that although I was in excruciating pain, a flood of feelings came back for him. Oscar looked at my swollen and bruised ankle for a few minutes. He asked if I could move my ankle and wiggle my toes. Although it hurt, I could. He said, “It doesn’t look broken. Your ankle is just severely sprained. Make sure that you ice it and wrap it when you get home, and keep it elevated.”

I meekly nodded my head and thanked him. As he helped me up, I caught a whiff of his sweet cologne. I sat back down on the bench to rest my ankle for a bit before I headed back to my car. Oscar sat down next to me and looked at me, hesitantly. We sat in silence for a few moments before he softly said, “Maddie?”

I looked at him but didn’t say anything. He continued, “It bothers me the way we left things in college. Why were you so cold toward me before I left for Japan?”

I took a deep breath. I didn’t even know where to begin. That question was one that I least expected. Before I knew what came over me, I started sobbing. Oscar scooted closer to me and put his hand on my shoulder. He looked concerned.

“Maddie, what’s wrong?” He asked.

I tearfully told him that I didn’t want to be the person to hold him back in life. He was so highly accomplished with his baseball, in academics, and in life, and I couldn’t imagine what he was doing with someone like me.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you felt that way!” exclaimed Oscar, in disbelief. He looked like he was searching for the words to say next.

“Maddie….. I loved you so much. Before I left for Japan, I wanted to ask you to marry me.” Oscar said softly.

This only made me sob even harder. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t often that I was at a loss for words, but in this moment, I was. All I could think of was that it’s too late now.  He has a gorgeous fiancée now, and my life was a mess.

After a few more minutes of silence, I gathered my thoughts and emotions. With a shaking voice, I said, “Oscar, I’m so sorry for the way that our relationship ended. I hope that you are happy now, and you deserve all of the best in life.”

After a few more minutes of silence, Oscar said, “Well, that’s it then?”

Remorsefully, I said, “Yeah, I guess so. It was so great to see you, and thanks for stopping to say hi.”

As I looked across the street, Rebecca was walking out of the restaurant. She called out to Oscar and let him know that their families were there and waiting for him.

We hugged good-bye, and Oscar made his way across the street to join his fiancée and their families. I remained on the bench for a little while longer to continue taking in my surroundings. As the leaves around me were on fire, I realized that so was my heart. My heart was on fire as it yearned for the past and what could have been.