all part of growing up

"Grow up. Grow UP. You have to grow up", they always say.

I don't want to grow up.

What's the point in maturing. To be exposed to more pain and suffering? To realise that the world isn't like how the fairy tales said it would be? To know that you'll never be enough, despite your desperate attempts to live up to society's standards? I'm not ready to leave my childhood behind. The warm, joyful, carefree days. I miss running across a wide open field feeling as though I had the world beneath my feet. I want to be able to think of all the things I look forward to, like finally being able to go out and party or driving a car, maybe getting a job and getting married. But there isn't any joy in growing up. We are forced to leave all our innocence in the past and become a version of ourselves that fits the conventions of the modern world. Growing up just means getting disappointed more often. Growing up almost never is how you thought it would be. In my opinion, another year is just another batch of problems.

It's my birthday today. I'm eighteen now. The age at which people no longer consider you a child. You are now an adult. I am now an adult. An adult. Someone responsible, someone who knows exactly what to do, someone that is able to look after themselves. Someone I'm not.

Here I am, watching my friends pour alcohol down each others throats while acting like animals. Bodies rubbing against each other as the yelling intertwines with the blasting music. My friend is shaking me. Jumping up and down as the sequins on her dress flitter around her bodice. "What are you doing just standing there?Come dance!" She hollers over the background noise. She looks like she's having the time of her life.

Is this what growing up feels like? The stench is making me nauseous. I can no longer breathe properly. I need to get out of here. I need to leave now.

I run to my bedroom, slamming the door and stumbling until my legs finally give out and I collapse onto my bed. The smell of sweat and alcohol is now masked by the scent of my lavender air purifier. I huddled close to the corner of the wall and hold myself tightly until I finally start to calm down. A single tear rolls down my cheek as a flood of tears follow it, caressing my face and removing the heavy layer of mascara I put on earlier. This isn't how I wanted my birthday to be. I shouldn't be crying in my room. I should be celebrating my newfound adulthood with my friends and having fun. My eyes waver around the room as catch my breath. In a faraway dark corner of my room, I glimpse my suitcase full of sweatshirts and books. Thats right, I'm going to college next month. I spent the first 10 years of my life awaiting the day I finally leave my hometown and move to college. But now I don't feel like leaving at all. College always seemed so far away then. I wish I could just rewind time and relive my whole childhood.

I miss listening to my mom reading me bedtime stories. I miss going to the beach with my dad and my sister and not having a care in the world. I miss not having responsibilities. I miss getting the kids menu at restaurants. I miss playing in the park. I miss going on walks with my puppy. I really really miss how my grandmother would pick me up and hold me close to her. I miss watching Disney films and thinking I was a princess. But most of all, I miss being able to be truly happy.

What hurts the most is knowing that I'll never be that happy. Knowing that nothing will be able to feel safer than being in my parent's arms as they hum lullabies to put me to sleep. I find it funny how people celebrate growing up. When you think about it from another perspective, every birthday is another birthday closer to your death. Every day is another day closer to the day you leave earth. Every hour, every minute, every second. It terrifies me, to say the least. Why are we brought into the world only for all of us to die in the end? I wish I could just be in an endless loophole of age 1-15. Those were the days. It all seems so golden. It's like when a ray of sunlight hits a glass prism and rainbows dance around the room. It's all perfect and beautiful.

But just like all things, those moments will never last forever. I have no choice but to suck it up and face my fears. I'm not ready to face or endure the hardships of the world or the blinding lights and deafening music in my living room. But there's nothing I can do about it. I can't rewind time or pause happy memories. All I can do is look forward to the future and overcome everything that will be thrown at me. I'll be by myself with no support system. But in the end, I'll be ok. I am so much stronger than I believe myself to be. I am capable and powerful. But are those attributes enough for me to cope during times when I feel as though I can't go on anymore? I have no clue.

So I head out. I hug my friends. I laugh and I swallow my fear. I act as though nothing is bothering me. I feel like I'm underwater and I'm struggling to grasp air. I don't know whether I'll always feel like this. Maybe I'll adapt to this new normal. But I doubt it. There are so many uncertainties, unknowns, that I'm scared of. And there's nothing I can do about it.

But I guess it's all part of growing up.