Resolutions for a Baffled Heart

Content warning : Themes of teen pregnancy

1.Change



You always say that Liz. That’s what new years are for, you say. To make some adjustments. Now you are on your second month. You say the fact that this new year has dawned just in time when you need it most is a good sign. A sign that some adjustments will be made and everything will be okay. But I think it is just you trying to suppress your agitation, you trying to turn despair into hope. Because personally, I don’t know what you mean by changing. I can see that you have no idea either. You never had. There is no way to change your deed. It is over now. Now all you can do is try to tackle its consequences.

I wouldn’t brag about my advices. You say you are not a baby any more and that is true. Whether you take my advices and warnings and live by them is your decision. You can take care of yourself. But so far, all I can see is that you haven’t. And I feel no matter what, if I don’t do something about this, I wouldn’t be able to sleep a wink. You are the only one I’ve got. But I honestly don’t know what to do.

You say, keep strong daddy. I’m trying to. I just don’t know how to change this. Perhaps I ought to think out of the box. Perhaps I ought to change your lifestyle altogether. Then this may not be an issue. But you are still young. And he is young too. And I can’t bear to change my little girl into someone different. Not yet.

Oh! How I wish if you thought about this change earlier! How I wish if you haven’t tried to change at all! You are too young to change. But there’s no point in talking about these. You are too late. I am too late. And we don’t have time.

2.Stop

How? That is the problem. You cannot just stop it. Even if you are an adult, you cannot. It is not our system. Do you remember when I took you to the elder’s home in town? You were very little then. You asked me, “Daddy, why are we here?” and I said “They are people just like you and me. And it is our duty to help them and make their lives happy.”

And it is a life you are dealing with, my dear. I wish I didn’t have to tell you how big a responsibility this is. But I would hurt you if I didn’t. That’s why I warned you all the time. That was your mother’s last wish on her deathbed. To protect you. We never wanted anything else but to see you happy. I always knew I would one day see you there. And I would take that special little one in my arms just like I took you. But I am not yet ready. I cannot let you go just yet. Because you are too young and you are still my special little one. I don’t need another. Not yet.

“Stop daddy,” you say. I know you are sick of my preaching. They won’t help you. I know that and I’m sorry. You are afraid Liz. Afraid of what’s going to happen. Afraid that I would stop loving you. That’s why your friends might have told you to stop. But I swear Lizzie, I would not stop loving you. You are the only one I’ve got. And I’m not telling you to stop either. That is problem number one settled.

You are relieved. You always wanted to keep it. You have always been my little girl. You have always had that strength of heart inside you. To do the right thing. To love truly. You don’t know how much I love you for that. But I cannot understand how you got it wrong this time, how love betrayed you into such deep trouble.

3.Start

An obvious resolution.

“But what should I do?” you ask. That is the thing we are going to do. To start. I would have hated it, but it would not do to leave the matter without taking action. To leave you in tears in this ugly world. But it is not easy. You say you are in love and that he is treating you well. But this is serious and important. Do you think he is the right person for you? You say yes. It’s always a yes when you are in love. If you think you have chosen what is good, you will receive my blessing. But I’m not sure. No, I’m not. It’s not that I distrust your choices, Liz, although you have taken the wrong turn once. It is because I don’t want to abandon my little girl with a burden she cannot bear alone.

There are more barriers ahead of us than there are buttresses. We both agree that you cannot change it. We both don’t want you to stop it. It belongs to you and you make the decision. If you are uncertain about it, remember just how proud I am about your decision to go on. So leave those two like hundreds of those to-dos you wrote and forgot in the past few happy years.

We cannot go ahead together. If one takes up the last, the other has to take the rest. You can start Liz. I won’t mind you are my little girl. You will one day change anyway. It is just a bit too early, that’s all. You can move on. And I would stop and take that special little one in my arms. I would tell myself that you are not too young. You just started a little too early. You can start and I would change and stop. But remember, my dear Liz. You can run back to me any day as if you are still my little girl. I won’t mind. I would change and stop yet again.