Gone

(This story contains sensitive topics such as mental health and suicide/self-harm.)

Fri, May 2 at 6:19 PM

Today I lost my job, I picked

up the phone to call and

tell u, but u didn’t pick up.

I forgot u wouldn’t pick up. I

remembered u never pick up

anymore. I cried myself to sleep

wondering why. I wish you’d

pick up, just once more.

I don’t know what to do.

Sat, May 3 at 1:19 AM

I can’t sleep. I wonder what u

are doing right now. R u thinking

about me? I’m thinking about u.

I can’t believe this, they made

me work my entire shift before

letting me go. I chuckle remembering

how u described the day u were

fired just like this. U completely

crashed out. I remember u saying,

u told the head of HR, it was wild

making someone work their whole

entire shift before letting them go.

Saying they could have fired u

via a phone call, email or txt even,

anything but have u come in (lol).

I laughed so hard picturing u

knocking over chairs, kicking the copier,

punching Jessica in her stupid looking

face and punching Jim in the back

of his big head as u headed out

the door yelling all sorts of curse

words. The best part was when u called

all of them a bunch of losers and

told them u hope they rot in hell (lol).

Who does that (lol). That costed u

14 days of your life and got

u probation but that place is where we

met, bonded, became friends, best friends.

I hate that experience for

u but at the same time, I’m glad it

happened because from that day

forward we had each other.

Together we could do anything.

And we weren’t alone anymore because

we had each other. But now you’ve gone

and left me and I don’t know why.

I don’t understand what I did wrong.

Sat May 3 at 2:19 AM

Can’t sleep, mind won’t stop racing.

Can’t believe it, after 10 years

with the company they just

carelessly and callously let me go.

You’d think they’d at least

give me a severance package,

but no. Nothing at all. I’m so tired.

I’m tired of being tired, nothing

is easy, can’t catch a break, bills are late,

no job, no husband, no sister,

no u, no peace, house is silent, but mind is

so loud. Can’t decipher anything, it’s all

jumbled. Wish I could focus on 1

thought. Talking to u always made

me feel better. Now there’s nothing

but silence, scrambled thoughts and sadness.

Bitterness is forming in my heart.

Why did u leave me. Just like

this stupid job, u just left me without warning,

no safety net, just nothing. Just like

Justin. 5 years meant nothing to him.

He left me for HER, my own sister.

Who does that? Why would he?

Why would she? Betrayal is so real.

It’s almost too much for me.

Everyone always leaves me.

What’s wrong with me? Why

does everyone leave me?

One day, I’ll be the one leaving

everyone. I won’t leave a note,

I won’t give any warning, I’ll just

go and never look back, just like

everyone else.

Sat, May 3 at 3:19 AM

I awoke, my pillow was moist

with my tears. Thought I heard

someone using a key to turn the lock.

Half asleep, in a state of confusion,

ran to the door to see if it was u.

Then I remembered it can’t be

because u never come to my door

anymore. I recall waiting up for

u that night just to see u, only

for u to never come back.

I miss u so much.

Please talk to me, answer me.

I just want to hear your voice,

see ur face. Listen to music,

dance, laugh and cry together again.

Anything. Give me something.

Can’t take this anymore,

at the end of my rope.

So tired and nobody

cares. Wish I could be

someone else, somewhere else.

Do u even care? Come back to me.

Sat, May 10 at 6:19 PM

I was at the hospital all night. My mom

and niece were in a car crash.

My mom didn’t make it, my niece

didn’t make it. Don’t think I’m going

to make it. My mom called and

asked if I’d pick up Tam from

practice, I told her no. I told her

to call her good for nothing

mother. I was just so tired

of running errands taking HER

kid to and from school and

practice while SHE lay up with

my ex-husband, in my old home.

Living the life I once lived. I couldn’t

look in HER face today, I just couldn't

stand seeing HER again today. They

have the same face, the same olive

shaped face, mocha complexion, button nose,

beautifully slanted hazel eyes, they look like

twins almost. I regret that decision

now and I’m mad that I regret it,

Mad that I feel angry with myself

for not going to get her. Mad that

I blame myself. Angry that these

maybe this, maybe that, what if I had

done this or done that thoughts keep

swirling around in my head.

My stupid mind won’t shut up.

It’s broken for sure, my brain is broken.

My sane mind tries to tell my insane

mind that nothing would be different,

it was their time. Yet loud and clear I hear,

maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I was

driving, maybe I would have seen him

coming, maybe I could have swerved,

maybe I would have taken another route.

Wait, for sure I would have taken another

route because I would not have taken

her home, I would have taken her to my

mother’s house. Maybe they’d both

be alive had I not let HER face haunt me.

After all it wasn’t really HER face but

the face of my precious, innocent,

sweet Tam.

Sun, May 25 at 6:19 PM

I buried my mother and niece today.

SHE was there with Justin. THEY are

now married with a child on the way,

I didn’t know. Since SHE is a writer,

we agreed that she’d write the obituary,

which I didn’t see it until today so I

had no idea that HER new husband and

THEIR new baby would be mentioned.

I looked for u but u weren’t there.

Can u believe, SHE walked up to me

telling me not to make a scene at

our mother’s funeral, her daughter’s funeral,

the mother SHE never visited after dropping

HER kid off on. The daughter SHE didn’t raise,

the daughter I financially supported, that

SHE hardly saw. SHE said, “everyone in

the family already knows so don’t try

to get anyone on your side”. SHE said

no one wanted to tell me because they

didn’t want me to “crash out”.

Those were her words

“crash out”. Funny how when u

give people what they deserve

u r the one to be considered

crashing out. I think the “crash out” was

when SHE slept with my then husband,

and HE moved HER into our home,

locking me out then saying, “it just

happened”. To me, that had to be

a moment of insanity. THEY both

had to be crashing out because that

behavior to me was greater than

any “crash out” I could possibly

have or have possibly ever

done. It’s crazy people like us get sent

to a mental health facility while people

like them get to roam the earth

destroying lives with no consequences.

But that last time I didn’t mind

because that’s where we

met and that changed my life. That isn’t

even the point of this txt.

I buried my mom and niece today.

I am sad, He is gone, u r gone,

my job is gone, they are gone.

My mind is gone.

Mon, May 26 at 6:19 PM

Finally figured it out. My mind

has left me but with one thought,

one thought that I can finally hear

clearly. Rest now. So, I will. I will rest now.

Sitting in a nice warm bath, took a

caramel edible, have my glass of wine sitting

by the tub, the bottle nearly empty now.

Purchased a nice sharp box cutter

today, didn’t know why then but I do now.

I’ll be joining u soon, then I won’t be alone.

We’ll be together again. I’ll get to tell

u, that I’m sorry, so sorry, I didn’t see just how

much u were hurting, sorry I didn’t get to u

sooner. I remember it like it was yesterday.

1:19 AM I awoke to an uneasy feeling in the

pit of my stomach. Called ur phone, u didn’t

answer. 2:19 AM called you again no answer,

jumped in my car, sped to ur home, used my

key, unlocked the door with shaky hands.

Smelled something unfamiliar, unpleasant, the

smell made me sad. Walked to your bedroom,

noticed the clock on the wall, 3:19 AM. Stepped

in something sticky, looked down, followed the

crimson trail and found u, laying on the floor

in a pool of ur own blood with the gun still

in your hand. They said, time of death was

the day before, 6:19 PM. Hmm, interesting

I just realized as I sit watching the tub turn

red with my own blood that the smell

that day was that of death.